Sarah Gelman, DIRECTOR OF BOOKS, PR, AND EDITORIAL, AMAZON

Zibby Owens: Welcome, Sarah. Thanks so much for doing this special webinar, Facebook, podcast, triple threat.

 

Sarah Gelman: I'm so excited. I personally can talk about books for forever. I feel like you can too. The fact we only have thirty minutes is very dangerous. [laughs]

 

Zibby: I know. There's so much I could talk to you about. It's ridiculous, your whole background, everything. Today is such an exciting day for Amazon to have come out with their Best Books of 2020. I've gone through every category. It's so exciting. There were so many books that I had on my podcast, so I'm feeling really excited about that. Wait, tell me a little bit about your role in Amazon and also how this whole Best Books came to be and how you decide on these best books.

 

Sarah: So many things to unpack. To take a step back, I've been at Amazon for eleven years. I came to Amazon, I moved from New York where I worked at Random House. It was just Random House then, no Penguin. I have just been a passionate reader my whole life. I feel so lucky that this is what I get to do for my job and I've always gotten to do it. When my kids are college age, maybe I wouldn't say, "Be an English major," but it has worked out for me. That's been great. At Amazon, I have been on the PR side for a long time, but I've always worked with the books org. Even when I was working with different orgs, I was always working with books and with the editorial team there. About a year and a half ago, I came back from my last maternity leave, last in a lot of different ways. I was approached about this job to lead the books editorial team which is a team that I worked with for eleven years and I admire. I always felt like they were my people. It's really just a dream. We're a team of passionate readers. There are six editors and myself. We all have different backgrounds in the business. One editor is an author herself. Someone is an editor from Random House. We used to work together way back. There are people that have worked at different booksellers, people on the sale side. We all basically are bringing our own background in books and our own expertise and genre knowledge to this team.

 

We come up with a list every month called the Best Books of the Month. Right now, we're reading for February 2021. We read a few months in advance. We're reading books that publishers and independent authors present to us. We all read in different genres. Then once we find something we love, we have someone else read it. Occasionally, there's a book we all read because we're so excited about it. We come up with a list of our top ten books every month. Very rarely, we come up with the top twelve when we can't decide on just ten. This year, we've had five months of top twelve, which is the most top twelves we've ever had. It made choosing the best books of the year that much harder because there were more top ten books to look at. We're doing best books, so top ten or twelve, every month and then top books in every different category, so everything from all the different ages for children, zero to two, three to five, on up to young adult. We also look at cooking, food and wine, literature and fiction, mystery and thriller, nonfiction, memoir. Literally every category, we are reading those books and trying to pick the best books for people so they don't have to do that themselves.

 

It's all based on our taste. It's not based on sales or co-op dollars from publishers. It is one hundred percent the books that we read and are excited about. We're reading every single one of them. You have to love reading to do this job because there is a lot of reading. I love it. I would read all day if I could. Then we do Best Books of the Year So Far in June. That's books from, we start January to June. We look at those six months. What's the best book so far? The best book of the year so far was The Girl with the Louding Voice by Abi Daré. She's amazing. I got to interview her in June. It's such a great book and really an uplifting book too which I felt like we really needed in June. Then we look at the Best Books of the Year, which we release every year around this time period. We look at all the books from the first six months and then everything else. We also ask ourselves, did we miss a book? We never want to miss anything. Sometimes when a pub date changes, we will miss a book because we've already had our top ten list and we can't put it in. Another case would be like the Obama book, for instance. We weren’t able to read that until it came out on Tuesday, so we couldn't consider it because we already had our best books of November.

 

Then we decide on the top twenty the old-fashioned way. We basically sit around. Normally, we sit around a table. This year, we sat around a video call. We argue. We fight about our favorites. This year, we had some very, very passionate discussions that ended with people leaving the call angry, but we all agreed at the end on the top ten list which is, to us, the most important, then the top twenty. Then we work our way up to one hundred. We all come in and we're sort of fighting for our own favorites. Someone on the team once told me when I just joined the team, "You can't fight for every book that you love. Really be strategic about it." You're basically making your case to the other members of the team. We really aim to have something for everyone too. They're not all fiction. They're not all nonfiction. We always have a debut book every month in our top two. We take this curation really seriously because people just don't have that much time to read. We want to help them discover the very best books.

 

Zibby: I'm glad that you are reading now for February because my anthology is coming out in February. [laughs]

 

Sarah: I actually have it digitally. I think that an advance copy is on its way to me. I'm so excited to read it.

 

Zibby: Good. Awesome. Let's talk about the winners if you don't mind. Can we go through?

 

Sarah: Yes.

 

Zibby: You have one overall winner, but then you have the top twenty books in general. Before I go through the whole list, I just wanted to tell you which ones from all the categories I've had on my podcast in case people want to go back and listen and maybe so you know which ones I thought were really awesome too. In addition to the twenty you picked per category, Good Morning Monster, The Beauty in Breaking, Wandering in Strange Lands -- I should probably say the authors. Beauty in Breaking by Michele Harper; Good Morning Monster by Catherine Gildiner; Wandering in Strange Lands by Morgan Jerkins; All Because You Matter, the children's book by Tami Charles; Black Brother, Black Brother by Jewell Parker Rhodes. I wonder if no one can remember all these while I'm rattling them out. I'm going to publish these somewhere. Caste by Isabel Wilkerson, I'm about to interview her; Memorial by Bryan Washington; Writers & Lovers by Lily King; The Jane Austen Society by Natalie Jenner; Luster: A Novel by Raven Leilani; Oona Out of Order, Margarita Montimore; The Last Flight by Julie Clark; Pretty Things, Janelle Brown; Long Bright River, Liz Moore; Uncomfortable Conversations with a Black Man, Emmanuel Acho; Wine Girl; Can't Even; Beach Read; Party of Two; Dragon Hoops. Those are my category. I just had to get those out there.

 

Sarah: You were listing those books and they feel like my friends. I wanted to jump in. I love the book Oona Out of Order. It's one of my favorite books of the year. I love that idea of no matter what you do, you sort of end up in the same place. I feel like we saw a lot of books with that theme this year, whether it was Rebecca Serle, the In Five Years book; also, The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue, which is another book I love that's in the top twenty. I love that trend. Sliding Doors is my favorite movie.

 

Zibby: Me too.

 

Sarah: No way! Oh, my gosh.

 

Zibby: Yes. I say that all the time.

 

Sarah: The best movie.

 

Zibby: I always think, is this one little, tiny decision I'm making going to affect my entire life? That movie was like, yes, it will. [laughs]

 

Sarah: I don't know if you've interviewed Jay Shetty, the author. He wrote this book, Think Like a Monk. He was amazing. That book gives me chills. It literally changed my life. He talks about trying to find the silver lining or the positive in things. Honestly, since I've read that book, I am always looking for the reason behind something and trying to put a positive spin on it, whether it's something really tragic -- I know that you have kids that are sick at home right now. What is the good that is coming from this right now? That book has helped me a ton this year.

 

Zibby: I'm trying to find the meaning behind all of it. I actually said to my husband the other day, I was like, "You know, maybe all this is happening, you losing your mom and your grandma and the kids all getting sick, I feel like I'm meant to be a messenger to let people know." He was like, "Everyone on the planet knows about this. I hate to break it to you, but anyone in the world already heard about it. That can't be it." Who knows? Who knows why things happen? The top twenty that you guys picked including the number one -- I should do this backwards. Number twenty, Midnight Sun by Stephenie Meyer; nineteen, The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue, you just discussed, V.E. Schwab; Deacon King Kong by James McBride; Pretty Things by Janelle Brown, I already said that; Sigh, Gone: A Misfit's Memoir of Great Books, Punk Rock, and the Fight to Fit In by Phuc Tran; Oona Out of Order, which we were just talking about; Luster, Raven Leilani; A Burning, Megha Majumdar; Dear Child, Romy Hausmann; Mexican Gothic, Silvia Moreno-Garcia; Hidden Valley Road: Inside the Mind of an American Family by Robert Kolker; Memorial by Bryan Washington, which I had on; The Girl with the Louding Voice, Abi Daré; Caste, Isabel Wilkerson; Fifty Words for Rain, Asha Lemmie; The Vanishing Half, Brit Bennet, I've had her on; Group by Christie Tate, her too; Blacktop Wasteland: A Novel, S.A. Cosby; Migrations by Charlotte McConaghy, I had her on. I haven't read this book and I'm now so excited to because it's your number one, A Knock at Midnight: A Story of Hope, Justice, and Freedom by Brittany Barnett. Oh, my gosh, tell me about this book. I don't even know about this book.

 

Sarah: First, before I tell you about it, I will say that last year's number one pick was Margaret Atwood's The Testaments. That is an amazing book. It was a moment in publishing, sort of like the Barack Obama book -- yes, I just compared Margaret Atwood to Barack Obama. It's a thing, a moment. The New York Times are writing trend pieces about it. It definitely deserved to be number one, but it was, I don't want to say an obvious pick. This is a little less obvious. You are a reader that reads a ton, and you haven't read this book. It makes me really happy that we picked a book that we can help people discover for the first time, I hope. This book is a memoir. Brittany Barnett is an incredible person that I'm talking to later today. I'm absolutely in awe of her. She grew up in Texas. Her mother was a drug addict. Her mother was a nurse, I should say. She was also a drug addict. She was incarcerated when Brittany was young. Brittany then, I think she saw -- obviously, she saw people that were incarcerated as people and not just as statistics. When she was a little bit older and was studying to be a lawyer, she came upon the case of a woman named Sharanda Jones. Sharanda reminded her so much of her own mother and her family. She was a young woman who was given a life sentence based on the war on drugs, this harsh life sentence for doing something that was not worthy of a life sentence. It was driving drugs down the highway, essentially. She wasn't expecting to get this sentence. She even left her purse in the car when she went in for her final sentencing.

 

Brittany basically, while she's being a lawyer at a corporate firm and working in tax law, she dedicates the rest of her life to helping these people that were served life sentences because of the war on drugs and the disproportionate amount of black Americans that were given life sentences. She changes the world. It's absolutely amazing. It's a heartbreaking story. For me, I grew up in the eighties and when I hear the war on drugs, I thought, yeah, war on drugs. Now I feel ashamed when I think about what that meant for so many families and black families in America. It was really eye-opening for me. Even for people who it's not eye-opening for, you cannot walk away from this book not being affected by it. It's also hopeful. Yes, it's incredibly sad in places, but it's a really helpful book. It just felt like it came at the right time. There was no other book that we read this year that we felt like really captured what was going on in the country, what we felt like we needed to learn, and what was important to read about.

 

I don't want to say it's a hard book to read. At times, it's hard to read it because it's really true. It's really sad at times. Read it because she's an amazing person. She writes about this idea of representation for children, black children. When she was growing up, there were no models of black female lawyers. Even though she thought she would become a lawyer, she kind of thought black women don't become lawyers. Then she met her first black lawyer. Basically, it changed her life. She has changed so many lives. It's really just an amazing story. Even for people that don't follow this prison reform or criminal reform -- most recently, President Trump pardoned someone through Kim Kardashian. That woman is in this book. You don't realize it until the very end, but she's someone that Brittany becomes friends with through her visits to these prisons. For me, that was like, oh, my gosh, I remember watching this on the news. It's really timely. It's really important. It's incredibly inspiring. It made me want to go back to my twenties and say, what else should I be doing with my life? It's really, really remarkable. I'm so in awe of her.

 

Zibby: As soon as we finish this, I'm going to email her publicist to try to get her on my podcast. Thank you for that.

 

Sarah: Beyond doing all of this and being a lawyer, she also started all of these foundations. One of them is called the Buried Alive Project. We're interviewing her later today. People that watch the interview can actually donate to it. I was looking at the website yesterday. She has these videos of people coming out of prison and seeing their families for the first time. One of them is so recent they're actually wearing masks. Whoever is filming it is filming it from inside of a car. You know that they can't get out because they can't get too close to the people that are coming out of the prison. I told my son, my four-year-old, "Mommy cried happy tears." I'm sitting in my office, tears streaming down my face. Knowing that I was getting on a conference call in five minutes, I was like, what's my mascara doing? That idea of taking what you think of as statistics of just nameless people and putting this human face on them, it's so important.

 

Zibby: Oh, my gosh. Speaking of your son, by the way, I love that in your bio you mention jumping on the trampoline with your sons is one of your biggest pastimes. I feel like if there's any hope for the muscles in my legs, it is because of that. [laughs]

 

Sarah: It is hard work.

 

Zibby: I know.

 

Sarah: We got the trampoline during quarantine. We were lucky to get one. I remember one of our neighbors stopping by our yard. I was jumping on the trampoline. It was like I had done a HIIT workout. I was pouring sweat. I was so embarrassed. I was like, this is really hard work. Yes, we bounce a lot.

 

Zibby: Just had to get that out there. In terms of for authors out there who are like, I really want to get on this list, what can they do? What are the exact criteria? I know it has to come out in the calendar year 2020. You all have to like it and respond it to and find it relevant and timely and everything, but what else?

 

Sarah: That's really it. That's it. It sounds sort of unscientific. It's really books that we love and we want to share with people. We all do have genres that we sort of specialize in or tend to read in. Really, the aim of the list every month, and then I think a little less so at the end of the year because obviously top one hundred is a little different than a top ten, is that if you are someone that says, I only read mysteries and thrillers, that you could pick up this book and still find something in it and still think it's great. The crossover appeal that people talk about in the industry or genre bending, we look for that too. One of the books that we had talked about that I loved, The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue, she has a really hardcore fanbase of fantasy fans. This book crossed over to this general reader. I'm actually not a fantasy reader, and I loved this book. It's also such a physically beautiful book. I read it on Kindle. I was like, I have to buy this book to have on my shelf. It's a great gift.

 

That sort of thing, it's just a book that you could give to anyone, someone that loves fantasy, someone that loves mysteries and thrillers, someone that loves nonfiction. It's funny. We were talking about A Knock at Midnight on the team. There are times that you forget that it's actually nonfiction. It reminds me of another one of our number-one picks, Educated by Tara Westover. I recommended that to my stepmother. She came back and she said, "That was an amazing novel." I said, "That's not a novel. That's nonfiction. That is her life." You forget. I think the best books sometimes make you feel sort of disoriented. You're not sure, are you reading nonfiction? Are you reading fiction? The number-two pick, Migrations, is a novel that at times reads like it's nonfiction, and not in an overly cerebral or dry way. It's so lifelike. She's a videographer, filmmaker, so she has that visual attention to detail. That's a whole other incredible book.

 

Zibby: That was also a great book. I interviewed her as well. That was great.

 

Sarah: That was one of the hardest books to describe, I find. It is very hard to come up with the succinct -- you don't want to say it's a novel about climate change. I don't think that that hooks people. This is a good example. The package of the book, I think, is a little unassuming too. I have it here. I can hold it up. This doesn't, maybe, scream the next huge book, but it's so good.

 

Zibby: I don't know if I have it here or another shelf. I love the cover, though. That's my favorite color. I try to get rid of my bias to blue when I look at books. I'm like, stop, you're only liking this cover because you like the color blue.

 

Sarah: All of my boys' clothes are blue. People are like, wow, they love blue a lot. I'm like, yeah, they sure do love blue. I'm the one that buys all their clothes.

 

Zibby: [laughs] What is your go-to genre? I love memoir. I love fiction too, but memoir is my go-to. What's yours?

 

Sarah: I love fiction. I love, I guess I would say, book club-type fiction. I love a good family saga. I want to get in with these characters. I want to live with them for like two hundred years. I want to meet everyone in their family. I want to know about every issue they’ve had. Who's an alcoholic? Who had an affair? Who said what to whom? That, to me, is why I love reading so much. I just want to get out of my life and go into this other place and just be absorbed by these characters. I love stories. I love good TV too, a good TV story. I just watched The Queen's Gambit. I know that's a novel too. That sort of character development and surprises, stories are so amazing. One of my friends just had a baby. I gave him three books for his baby. I gave him The Going to Bed Book. I gave him Giraffes Can't Dance. I love that book so much. I gave him Little Blue Truck. I wrote the note from my children to this baby. I said, "These are books. When you learn to read, you'll never be lonely." That's how I feel. You can never be bored and lonely when you're surrounded by all of these people and all these stories.

 

Zibby: I feel like we are sharing a brain or personality or something. Some of the things you're saying, I'm like, I say that all the time. That's my favorite movie. I feel the same way. I even had a therapist say to me at one point, you will never be lonely if you have a good book. I'm like, I know, I've been reading my -- I'm sure, like me, you were a bookworm as a kid, right? Reading is something that you just always go to.

 

Sarah: The idea of being bored is not -- I mean, I wish I were bored right now, frankly, but that's not something that I've ever -- I don't think I've ever felt. I obsessively plan books for -- I was even going through my journal. It's like, books to read on the long weekend. I read workbooks. They're for pleasure too. Conversation with Friends by Sally Rooney, I have never read that book. I love Normal People. I love that book. The show was incredible.

 

Zibby: The show was incredible.

 

Sarah: It's not something I want to watch with my mom or anything, but it's an incredible show. I've never read her second book. It's a ten-dollar book. I should just buy it. I keep saving it for, I'm not sure, vacation that I'm not going on. There's just always something to read. It's amazing.

 

Zibby: Are you a Kindle person, or are you more a hardcopy person?

 

Sarah: I'm both. I really like the convenience on reading on Kindle. When I used to on vacation back in the -- I was going to say back in the nineties. Not in the nineties. In the early otts when I was in my twenties, I would go on vacation and I would literally take one bag that was all books, all hardcovers too because I worked in publishing. We would trade hardcovers with each other. I love the convenience of going on vacation and just bringing my Kindle. Like a lot of parents, I wake up frequently in the middle of the night. Being able to read my Kindle and having the light built into it that's not the bad light is amazing. I love the sensation of a physical book too. Like I mentioned, I love the beauty of the Addie LaRue book. I got my Obama book in the mail yesterday. That's a book that I bought in hardcover and then I bought on Audible too because I love listening to books, mostly memoirs, read by the people that wrote them. I had such a profound experience listening to Michelle Obama's book. I had just had my second baby. It was winter. We were going on a lot of walks outside. I just listened to that book while I was pushing him in the stroller. I felt like I was absorbing her wisdom. She seems like such an amazing mother and person. I was like, this is making me a better mother as I listen to this. I really want to listen to his book too. Then the other night, I started Kristin Hannah's new book.

 

Zibby: I did too. I started reading that a week ago or something, two weeks ago, something.

 

Sarah: We need to talk about it. I don't want to ruin it for people.

 

Zibby: I know. I was so excited when it came. I felt like a kid in a candy shop. I'm like, I cannot wait.

 

Sarah: We have a blog called the Amazon Book Review that's on Amazon. I wrote about this on the blog. It was my weekend reading last week. I started it last Friday. My colleague, Erin, who manages the Best Book program and keeps us all on task, she knows how much I love Kristin Hannah. She would not let me read the book when I received it a month or so ago. She was like, "You're not caught up on your December reading yet." I actually listened to her. I'm such a rule-follower. I caught up on all my reading so that I could start it. On Friday nights my older son sleeps with my husband in our playroom. They have campouts. He's a terrible sleeper. He normally ends up in our bed. Our baby sleeps through the night, thankfully. Friday nights are the most exciting night for me. I get to watch my shows and read and do whatever I want. Friday night, I opened up the advance copy. I just had that feeling that washes over you of the feeling of opening the new book when it's really big and it's a big fall book or something like that. I feel that way about Jonathan Franzen's books. They're moments. It's just so satisfying. I was like, I'm so happy right now. That's great. I'm very happy that all it takes to make me happy is opening a book. I like all formats. It really depends. I love listening to audiobooks when I walk. I do podcasts when I drive. I'm not driving that much these days. It sort of depends on the format. I only do cookbooks in print. I'm not a digital cookbook person. I love style, wellness books. I usually like those in print because, A, they tend to be beautiful, and B, I want to be able to reference them easily. I'm probably more a visual person that way. I would say I probably mostly read digitally. That was a very long answer to your question.

 

Zibby: I loved it. By the way, if you're looking for a new -- I listened to Jodie Patterson's A Bold World on audio. You should try that. I did a lot of car rides back and forth. I interviewed her, and I felt I completely knew her. I think that probably creeped her out a little bit. I love listening to memoir in Audible. I'm just curious, with independent bookstores struggling -- you're working for Amazon. Obviously, Amazon is amazing. Everybody shops there. How could you not? What about all the independent bookstores out there right now who are going through a really hard time? Some, I would say, maybe blame Amazon for their demise. As such a huge book lover like I am, how do you deal with that issue?

 

Sarah: I have two different responses. One is a story. I was at BookExpo a couple years ago, which is, for those that don't know, it used to be the big American publishing conference of the year. I was at a party at night with some of my colleagues. No one's wearing nametags at that point. It's a party at night. I ended up in a conversation with a bookseller from Rainy Day Books, actually, in Kansas City. She said, "I'm so-and-so." I said, "Hi, I'm Sarah Gelman from Amazon." She kind of said, "Oh. I'm not going to talk to you." I can't believe I'm forgetting her name. I'm not going to say it anyway. I said, "I'm Sarah Gelman. We worked together when I was at Knopf. I helped bring Anne Rice to you." She was like, "Oh, Sarah!" I am the same book lover I was twenty years ago, but I work for a different company. What I see at Amazon is a group of people that care so much about reading. My team especially, again, when I say we're passionate, we fight like family. I always say that they're my dysfunctional family, my other dysfunctional family. The things that people are going through now with the pandemic are just unprecedented. It feels like the only word that I can say.

 

Independent bookstores do so much good, whether it's their staff picks and people being able to have the serendipity of walking in and seeing a beautiful book in person and wanting to pick it up, being a place for community, a place where they can have book clubs, have different kinds of meetings, and readings of course. They add so much value. I think they're incredibly important to support. It's funny. I just sent emails from some of my local stores -- my local store where I live right now is called Island Books. It's an awesome bookstore. I'm on Mercer Island in Washington outside of Seattle. Then actually, a former Amazon editor from this team that I'm on now, Tom Nissley, owns a bookstore in Seattle called Phinney Books. Then there's one now in a neighborhood. I think it's called Madison Park Books. I just sent their newsletters out to some people on my team because I just love how they're still -- Island Books, they're amazing. They have always had a program where if you order a book either online or by phone, they will deliver it to anyone on the island. For people that are older and can't actually get to their store so easily, they get in their car and they drive it to you. They have a box outside where you can, again, order online or call and order, and they have a no-contact pickup box outside. They're doing an amazing job.

 

Zibby: I feel like you should do a reality show of your group of editors sitting around talking about books.

 

Sarah: You have no idea.

 

Zibby: Seriously, that would be so fun to watch.

 

Sarah: I think we're endlessly fascinating, but I'm also a total book nerd. There are book jokes. There are a lot of book jokes.

 

Zibby: Someone in the comments here asks, where was Dear Edward? That was one of my best reads. Was that on there?

 

Sarah: That was top one hundred. I love that book.

 

Zibby: Maybe I missed it in the category when I went through one by one. Maybe I missed it. Anyway, good. I'm glad it's on there. That was really good.

 

Sarah: I really love that book. It's funny. I don't know if you had this experience. I loved the when they're on the plane part better than the part that took place when he's growing up. It reminded me of that book, The Fall. Is it Noah Hawley? I loved that book so much. It's sort of like that and Lost put together. That's a great book. This is so subjective. There are books that were huge books that aren't on this list and books that people might not have heard of. It's not necessarily about name recognition. It's an imperfect, unscientific process.

 

Zibby: The thing I like about books, airplane-type things or crowds, why people randomly get thrown together and then all their backstories. I always wonder when I'm in a trapped situation like on a plane or somewhere, what's everybody else going through? Or in a spinning room even or something. Everyone has so many stories going on. If only we knew when we saw them or could press play and watch them.

 

Sarah: That book and, not to bring up another TV show, Lost, perfect example of that. It's been a while since I read Dear Edward. Someone is reflecting on this woman that seems like they're not feeling well. Then you learn later that she's pregnant. It's like, yes, you have no idea what these people are going through and what their morning was like. That's a pretty important lesson to take through life right now in general. You never know what the person behind you at the grocery store just experienced. They might be being nasty, but...

 

Zibby: My dream is one day people walk around with shirts that say, going through infertility treatments; my mother just died; having horrible stomach pain for six months, what's going on with me? or just all these things that you wouldn't know and nobody would tell you, but as soon as you saw that, you would have immediate empathy and compassion for the person. Maybe if they were in line in front of you, you wouldn't be so annoyed and rude about it.

 

Sarah: I feel like reading sort of teaches you to look for that in people. You're getting into someone else's thoughts in a way that you can't even -- for people that are big TV watchers -- again, I love TV. I feel like -- I don't want to say nosey. That feels like a bad thing to say. I'm a very curious person. I want to know everyone's backstory and all of that stuff that you only want to talk to your therapist about. That's one of the reasons why I love reading and why I love those big family sagas.

 

Zibby: If we weren’t talking so much about books, I would be trying to find out all of your sorted past and your personal life. [laughs] No, I'm kidding.

 

Sarah: We're going to do that over a glass of wine another time.

 

Zibby: We'll have to do it another time. I don't want to run over. I know you have a big interview coming up.

 

Sarah: Can I answer one more question? Do you mind?

 

Zibby: Do I mind? No, of course.

 

Sarah: [laughs] I saw the question come in, when do you read?

 

Zibby: Oh, where is that question? Sorry, I missed it.

 

Sarah: Oh, no, I saw a couple questions coming in.

 

Zibby: Sorry, yes, in the chat.

 

Sarah: I was an English major. When do you read? This is something that I love to talk about because much like the name of your podcast, people are always like, I never have time to read. I am here to tell you that you do have time to read. I feel like I have a pretty full life. I have two little kids. I have two dogs and two cats and a job and everything. My secret is I read every night before I go to bed. That's when I do all my work reading. I don't, unfortunately, sit around during the workday and read all day. I am at my computer and in meetings. I make it a point to read every night. I can capture an hour of reading. Sometimes I read for five minutes. Then I literally fall asleep with the book waking me up when it hits my face. I don't feel guilty about the amount of time that I spend. When you say something like, I can only work out for five minutes, you're still working out for five minutes.

 

Just make it a habit. You'll start seeing that you can do it. Also, you'll start seeing that you will fall in love with that story and want to spend more time doing it. So often, people that say they don't have time to read are scrolling their phones before they go to bed. Put your phone away. It is a drug. It is giving you the effects of a drug. Just pick up a book, whatever it is. Then also, the idea of recapturing time in your day -- I know that you listen to audiobooks when you walk your dog. That's a perfect time. You mentioned you interviewed the author of Can't Even. I interviewed her over email. I asked her what she does to avoid burnout. She said that she doesn't like to multitask. She likes to singularly focus on one thing. Now I do feel a little guilty because I'll walk our dogs and I'll listen to a book at the same time. I'm listening to The Chiffon Trenches, the André Leon Talley book, right now.

 

Zibby: I had him on.

 

Sarah: Oh, my gosh, if anyone's looking for an audiobook. I want him to read everything to me, his French accent. I want to meet him. I don't know what I would wear.

 

Zibby: I'm going to send you the link. I have it on YouTube also. I'll send it to you. He's so funny. It was great.

 

Sarah: I take back that walk time. I'm spending time with myself, exercising my dogs, exercising my body, and reading. It's just really all about that. My other easy tip -- I have so many more too. I am a huge Goodreads Reading Challenge person. I set a goal at the beginning of the year. I log every single book that I read. My secrets are, I only log books that I know I'm going to finish. With my job, sometimes I start a book that I -- I hate this, but sometimes I don't finish them. If I don't love them, I just don't finish them. Once I start reading enough that I know I'll finish it, then I will put it on "currently reading" and then "read." I also have a rule that I don't log parenting books or relationship books because I know that other people follow my book picks. I feel like that's private. You don't need to know my issues with my children and my husband. Other than that, I log all my books there. It keeps me accountable. It's just like having any sort of goal and answering to it. I have done very well this year on my reading goal. Just setting that goal and working towards something, it's accountability, the same as anything else.

 

Zibby: Do you include children's books? One of the questions.

 

Sarah: I don't, actually. I would include a young adult book that I'm reading for myself. Black Brother, Black Brother, a book that you mentioned, I loved that book.

 

Zibby: So good.

 

Sarah: I find myself bringing that book up, weirdly, all the time and talking about fencing and how there's something so poetic about, in fencing, everyone looks like same. I interviewed Chelsea Clinton earlier this year. She writes about the female Muslim Olympian who is the fencing athlete. That idea that fencing was something that she could do and still be in the dress that she needed to wear for her beliefs but also be athletic and be the best in her field, I just think there's something so beautiful about that. That book, I would record. When I read my kids -- I'm trying to think what they're super into right now. Oh, my gosh, one of my sons is really into The Nightmare Before Christmas. I think other people are horrified by this, but we keep reading the book that is sort of the kids' version of it. I don't log those. Thankfully, my kids both love to read. I think part of it is they see me doing it, and so they want to model. They also, frankly, see me on my phone. They’ll pick up my phone and say, "Hello?" which I think is cute but also sort of sad. They also just pick up books. They want to read. I'll say, "Time for dinner." My little baby will say, "Jaime reading." I love that.

 

Zibby: That's amazing. I was reading a book, Danny and the Dinosaur, to my littler guy. My seven-year-old daughter was like, "Wait, I missed the beginning." She grabs it out of our hands. She's like, "I'm just going to take that and read it. Bye. I'm reading." I'm like, you know what, you stay up as long as you want if you want to read. That's fine by me. Just one other question if you have two more seconds. Other than bookstore newsletters, what are other ways you get books on your radar?

 

Sarah: Amazon is one of them. Obviously, through work, publishers are sharing books with us and pitching us, probably the same way they pitch you, Zibby. I learn about a lot of the books that I want to read then. Literally, my job is then to share that wealth with other readers. Like everyone else, I listen to recommendations from people I trust. Actually, all three of the top three of these books are books that I read later than the rest of the team, and especially Migrations. My teammate, Al Woodworth, she's such a great reader. She has amazing taste. She told us early in the year when she read this, "This is my favorite book of the year." I feel like that's something I listen to, when someone whose recommendations I trust and who reads -- I don't even know how she reads so much. So much. When she says, "This is my favorite book of the year," I listen to that. Same thing with Blacktop Wasteland. Actually, when I started it, I didn't love the first twenty pages or so. I told my team that. They were like, "You got to keep reading this." I got to a point in this book where -- I'm usually literally correctly here -- I literally stayed up until I finished it. I could not put it down. My heart was racing. I'll hold it up just so you can see the jacket, Blacktop Wasteland. People always say, what should I bring on the plane? This is the book that you want to bring on a plane when you're in planes again. You pick it up. You open it. Then you'll look up, and you'll be across the country. No time has passed, except you'll be dripping sweat because it's a crazy ride. Those are all books that, they're our top three of the year. They're books that I learned about because my colleagues, whom I trust, were telling me that they thought they were amazing. I listen to recommendations.

 

Zibby: I felt the same way about The Vanishing Half and also Writers & Lovers by Lily King. Both those books, it got dark out or I stayed up late at night. I just couldn't stop. I could not stop reading. It's the best feeling.

 

Sarah: I love both of those books. I saw that Writers & Lovers was on your list of books to help you through grief. I love that book because it's sort of like her mother's death is there the whole time and is arguably the biggest theme in the book, yet it's talked about the least. It shows how something like that just seeps into your entire life and takes it over even if it's not what you're seeing every day. I just love that book.

 

Zibby: It's like grief goes with you. It's how to integrate grief into your life, not what you do when you're sitting crying at the very beginning. Anyway, Sarah, thank you so much for all of your time. Please, let's continue this. I could talk about a thousand other books with you. Oh, my gosh, please. This was so fun. Thank you. Thanks for all your time.

 

Sarah: Thank you so much. This was really fun. I can't wait to talk again.

 

Zibby: Me too. Bye.

 

Sarah: Bye.

Sarah Gelman.jpg

Natalie Portman, NATALIE PORTMAN'S FABLES

Zibby Owens: Welcome, Natalie. Thank you so much for coming on "Moms Don't Have Time to Read Books."

 

Natalie Portman: Thank you so much for having me.

 

Zibby: I read Fables to my kids. They were obsessed. They loved it. I don't say that all the time. I have lots of children's books. Sometimes your kids just relate to ones or they don't. My daughter was like, "You're talking to the woman who wrote the new Three Little Pigs?" They thought that was the coolest.

 

Natalie: I appreciate that so much. Thank you.

 

Zibby: What inspired you to write Fables, to reimagine some of these classic fairy tales from our youth and do them over? What was that about?

 

Natalie: I was reading books to my kids. I have a boy and a girl. I realized that, first of all, for my girl, the kinds of presents she would get, the kind of books that were given to her were often feminist baby books. I was like, why didn't my son get any of these? I was like, the boys need it as much as the girls. I felt like, I want something that everyone will read. The classic books that I had been reading both of them, of course, I started noticing that all of the characters, or predominantly, were male. I thought, oh, my goodness, the books that both of them are reading are telling them to prioritize male character stories over other stories. I thought, what if I took some of these classics and just made it more reflective of the world where there's lots of genders in the animal kingdom and let the stories that are still morally resonant, the morals that really resonate today like The Tortoise and The Hare and The Three Little Pigs and The Country Mouse and The City Mouse, those could still hold up and even have new meaning in today's world?

 

Zibby: Now the bad guys are actually bad women. Is that really a good message? I don't know. The wolf is a woman. Are we happy to be including her in our clan here? What do you think?

 

Natalie: [laughs] I think that the more women are seen as human and capable of anything, capable of being good or bad, capable of being smart or not smart, or strong or lazy, the more possibility women have to just be human and be seen as human first and judged by their character, their virtue, their accomplishments, not by their gender, that's where we reach equality. It's like the RBG quote. Putting women on a pedestal is just another kind of cage. Paraphrasing, of course. That's not the exact quote. When people say women are much better than men, that's another harmful stereotype even masquerading as a compliment.

 

Zibby: Very true. I feel like throughout your Instagram, you've done such a good job of trying to highlight all different types of women in all different areas and talking about the things that are really important, everything from Serena Williams and why are there not as many women tennis matches per day than men's tennis matches? to different political candidates, to homeschooling, everything. You're just digging deeper and deeper into every industry. It's not about authors. It's about, really, critical thinkers. Tell me about how you started doing this whole interview series as well.

 

Natalie: Really, I've just been led by curiosity and the things in interested in. I thought, if I have this way of talking to people directly, then I might as well talk about what I'm curious about, learn things, and share what I'm learning or the people I'm lucky to meet, whether it's about food, which is super interesting to me, and obviously, the environmental impact of food is really interesting, but making it delicious and fun at the same time, or whether it's writers. I love reading. It's such a great opportunity to get to discuss books with writers after you read them. It's the coolest opportunity. Or activists from whom -- I feel like the big change for me on going on social media was it opened up my understanding of the world in such a new way. I was exposed to so many incredible people doing so much really world-changing, world-bettering work. That's been really wonderful too as an opportunity. It's been really interesting.

 

Zibby: Social media obviously gets a bad rap, but I feel like I've met people from all over the world. I can talk to an author in Nigeria about how they're handling COVID. I can talk to someone in LA. There are no barriers anymore. You can connect with people anywhere. I think it's one of the biggest perks.

 

Natalie: It's all how it's used, it seems. Also, of course, it can be very addictive. It can be very, living in a virtual state as opposed to the real-life state. If you're able to use it in moderation, it certainly is an incredible portal into so many different places we wouldn't normally have access to.

 

Zibby: Back to your cooking, by the way, now I'm feeling totally shamed. Not only do you have your whole professional life and all these great activist, thought-leadership type interviews, you're cooking all these amazing foods too. My husband cooks, and that's fine. Matzah lasagna, that looks amazing.

 

Natalie: Oh, my gosh, you're so sweet, but please, not at all. My husband is really the cook in the house. He really cooks well. I'm very amateur, but I really like it. For me, why I like sharing it is because I'm not very skilled. I know if I can do it, anyone can do it. I'm usually doing it in fifteen minutes holding a child in my hands. I'm like, this recipe, you can do. If I can do it, you can do it. It's not complicated. I feel like those are the kind of mom things we need to share with each other because that's how we get by. It's those tips that we spread from mom to mom.

 

Zibby: It's true. The whole whisper culture of, this is how we do it, yes, I'm upheld by comments like those and little tips. The messages in Fables, though, go beyond typical kids' books, I would say. You have so many things. I don't know if you intentionally put in all your values and just shoved them in a little children's book, if you started with the values and you were like, how can I fit these? There were so many things like, "See, you don't need all that stuff. True friends are more than enough." You have all these things. "Sometimes, more isn't better. A bragger cannot persevere. A life lived attentively is the completest. To have strong foundations, you cannot be lazy. Waking up early is an energy booster. You want to have friends who will stand by your side." I could be reading a quote book at the checkout line with little flowers or something. Instead, they're interspersed in the book. It's very clever how you did it.

 

Natalie: Thank you. That's really nice. I think when you have a clear audience -- here, it was for my children. I was like, what do I want to give them in tangible form of what I think is important? It's not all in there. Certainly, there's a lot that I care about that I wanted to give to them. Secondly, I find that reading books to kids, it's kind of the only time I read books over and over and over again. My kids both have had favorites over the years. They make me read a book a hundred times in a row. It really gets into you. As a parent, you kind of want that to be meaningful. There are certain things I feel like I even wrote for myself, like in The Tortoise and The Hare. "Honey, move slowly, and it is the sweetest. A life lived attentively is the completest." The attention, it's so noisy. It's so busy. You're running around all the time. You know that when you really pay attention, when you really focus, when you really spend time, when you take things slowly is a true expression of love and meaning. That's where your most fulfillment -- it felt like both for them and also for myself, I was like, what do I need to remember? Also, what do I want to imbue in my children?

 

Zibby: I know in the back of the book you included a portrait that your mom had done of you and your brother as kids. I think it's so sweet. You have this whole big shout-out to her.

 

Natalie: That's my kids.

 

Zibby: Oh, that's your kids. Oh, my gosh.

 

Natalie: Those are my two kids, yeah. It's my son and my daughter that she drew.

 

Zibby: Aw, so sweet. Tell me about, what did she do right? What do you think she did in her parenting to you that gave you the values that you're now passing onto your kids? Or maybe not. Maybe it's a reaction against.

 

Natalie: She's just the most attentive and the most focused with kids. She was like that with me. I'm an only child. Then she's like that with my children now. You couldn't even imagine. I feel like I'm constantly running through lists of stuff that I have to do and trying to fold laundry and cook dinner and get the kids homework done at the same time. I mean, not get their homework done.

 

Zibby: I can imagine.

 

Natalie: Supervise them doing it. I mean, him. I only have one kid doing homework right now. My little one is in preschool. I feel so scattered as a mother. I feel like that's the central characteristic. My mother, I always felt that she was just so focused and present and attentive. I try and conjure her energy, which I don't have. I'm more all over place.

 

Zibby: I'm the same way. Sometimes even when I'm with my mom, she'll be on her phone or something. I feel so hurt. It's so silly. I'm forty-four years old. I'm like, but we only had an hour together. Why are you on your phone? What are you doing? What is so important? I think it's the same thing. Let someone occupy a hundred percent of what you're doing. That's what great conversation is about. You just pay attention. There's nothing like it. When you don't feel like you're necessarily getting that -- I try to remind myself of that when I'm with my kids. How do I feel when my mom seems distracted?

 

Natalie: Absolutely. My husband always says it to me. These smart phones were supposed to make our lives so we could have more free time because you could kind of be portable and whatever. Then instead, it just makes us work all the time. It makes us half working all the time, half on our phones all the time, half not present all the time. It's one of the biggest challenges of modern parenthood among the other seven thousand things.

 

Zibby: Let's pick. I know. Every so often, I'm like, maybe I'll just try to email on a computer today. Let's see how that works. [laughs]

 

Natalie: It's actually really good. I've done that a few times where I've taken breaks and just taken email off of my phone. It actually makes a huge difference.

 

Zibby: You can be so much more productive on a computer with an hour than all day long, these little dribble drabbles of emails that never stop. Not that I will change my behavior, but you know. Tell me about this new LA women's soccer team. What is that about? That's so awesome.

 

Natalie: We're so excited. Angel City Football Club is our official name. We're launching in 2022. That's when we'll start playing games. It's just really thrilling to bring women's soccer to LA. There's two men's soccer teams. We have such incredible players in this country. We have the best players in the world in the most popular sport in the world. It's super exciting to get to celebrate them and amplify their virtuosity because they're extraordinary. It's really fun. It's an incredible group of people doing it. It's Alexis Ohanian and Serena Williams and a bunch of actress friends I adore, Jess Chastain, America Ferrera, Eva Longoria, Uzo Aduba, and just countless others and sports legends like Billie Jean King and Lindsey Vonn and fourteen former women's national team players like Mia Hamm and Julie Foudy and Abby Wambach. It's an insane, insane group of people. It's so exciting.

 

Zibby: You all get a box and you can hang out every game? Is that how it's going to be? [laughs]

 

Natalie: That's the goal. Get through this pandemic. Then we can all hang, hopefully.

 

Zibby: Actually, I was chitchatting with my husband as I was coming down here. I was mentioning your soccer team. My daughter who we were putting to bed was like, "Wait, women have soccer teams?" I was like, "Yeah, women can have soccer teams." She's like, "Can women have football teams?" I was like, "No, not football." She's like, "Okay. Basketball?" We watch so much sports here. I don't. My husband does. Somehow, that was really inspiring. She's a great little athlete. You're setting [indiscernible/crosstalk] role modeling.

 

Natalie: I know. It's amazing for our girls to have professional careers to aspire to if they are extraordinary athletes, to have athletes to look up to and admire, and also for boys. It's the same things we're talking about with the book. It really had similar impetus. I was inspired to have the soccer team when I saw my son watching the Women's World Cup. He was looking at Alex Morgan and Megan Rapinoe in the same way that he looks at Messi or Ronaldo. I was like, that's change. That really feels like a completely new world. How many male athletes did we look up to as little girls?

 

Zibby: I had a secret girl crush on Chrissy Evert, I have to say, the tennis player. Everybody else is a blur of men. She was my childhood hero.

 

Natalie: We also had female athletes that you looked up to. I think women are often asked to empathize with or see themselves in men. I don't mind that. I think it just also should be that young boys see idols in women too, that they don't just have to look at greatness in male form.

 

Zibby: A hundred percent. Totally agree. Speaking of idols, tell me a little bit about Natalie's Book Club and the books that you've been picking and how that’s been going and all the rest.

 

Natalie: It's been so fun to get to share and hear people's opinions about books. It's brought me to so many interesting corners. I'm kind of an eclectic reader. I don't have a genre that people can rely upon. I hope that is okay for people following. Sometimes it's fiction. Sometimes it's nonfiction. Sometimes it's poetry. It's been really interesting to get to talk to all these different writers and understand more about their processes and, of course, read some great books along the way.

 

Zibby: Are you reading anything great now? Anything amazing by your bedside?

 

Natalie: I finally read Untamed. I know I'm so late to the game. So many people had told me how wonderful it was. They were all right. It's so rare when something lives up to the hype. It really did. Of the book club books that really have stuck with me in such a deep way, I would say the Lost Children Archive. That Valeria Luiselli book is amazing. That's really, really affected me deeply. Girl, Woman, Other was incredible, the new Elena Ferrante. I'm picking all fiction books. Then surprises too like the Robin Wall Kimmerer book, Gathering Moss. I was rapt. It was so incredible. Patrisse Cullors' memoir, When They Call You a Terrorist, is really, really moving and world changing. It completely changes the way you see the world through one person's story. It's really a wonderful book. So many. Every one has been an incredible adventure.

 

Zibby: I have a whole new stack of books now. I have to make a new little shelf here for you.

 

Natalie: What about you? What are you reading?

 

Zibby: I recently read The Vanishing Half by Brit Bennett which, like Untamed, everybody had already read. I was so late to it. I almost didn't want to read it because I'm like, it can't possibly be this good. Then it was. I was like, how great is that? Lots of different books. I'm reading a new book coming out called The Push by Ashley Audrain about a mother who's been a victim of abuse through the generations, her mother, grandmother, and how she mothers. It's a thriller. It's really good. That's what I'm reading right now, and Fables. [laughs]

 

Natalie: Yes. I'm constantly reading a whole variety of children's books.

 

Zibby: We just finished Lady Pancake & Sir French Toast. That's really what I'm reading. I was reading that. That's a really good one.

 

Natalie: I don't know that one.

 

Zibby: It's good. Do you have any advice, I would say both to aspiring authors, and especially children's authors, but also just people who want to emulate your activism and how to make a difference in terms of advocating for women especially in getting equal footing?

 

Natalie: For kids' books, you just have to imagine and maybe practice with kids, what keeps their attention. I know I need to mention farts and burps and boogers. That's what keeps my children's attention. Not that you have to do that, but I think that the silliness always helps with the kids' books and practicing on them. I definitely read them the book so many times to find the parts I needed to change, what they understood, etc. In terms of activism, I feel like what I've learned the most is to listen to the people who've been doing the work and follow them and not trying to invent anything yourself. There are a lot of people who are doing it really well. Not to put anyone down. Obviously, if you want to devote your life to it, go do it. The thing is, when you're new to it, the best thing to do is find the people who've been doing it for decades, who've been organizing, who've been leading. Then listen to what they say and go with that. I mean, when you believe in what they're doing and their actions. I learned the most by listening. I guess that's always true.

 

Zibby: Can I ask one last perhaps inappropriate question? How do you stay looking so young? You do not age.

 

Natalie: Are you kidding me? That's so nice.

 

Zibby: I'm just looking at your skin. This so creepy of me. I'm like, what is she doing that I am not doing?

 

Natalie: All I do is go, look at all these -- I have lines everywhere. Every day, new ones. I'm trying to just embrace it and feel like I earned it. My best friend and I, we were talking last night. We're both turning forty this year. She was like, "Ugh, forty." I was like, "No. Forty, that's an achievement. You know how many people don't get to reach this? How lucky are we? How cool is this? Look what we did to get here. This is amazing." I don't want to look inexperienced. I'm not inexperienced. I am full of experience. I am full of joy and wisdom and curiosity. If that's what my lines represent, then great. Let that be a signal. Looking young is overrated. [laughs]

 

Zibby: Thank you. That was just what I needed to hear tonight. Thank you for that. Looking young is overrated. Wasted on the young. Forget it.

 

Natalie: Let them enjoy it. That's the best part about being young. You don't know anything at that point. Being young was so painful for me. I feel like it's such a painful, not knowing, searching, figuring it out, feeling uncomfortable in my skin time. Give them the clear skin. They can have it. It's the bonus prize for having to deal with all the --

 

Zibby: -- No clue what's coming next and nothing being settled at all. Every day is a question mark. Now we have everything settled. Here come the lines. So, fine, or for me anyway. Awesome. Natalie, thank you so much. Thanks for all your time. I really appreciate it. That was really fun.

 

Natalie: Thank you. You too. Be well.

 

Zibby: Thank you. Stay safe. Buh-bye.

 

Natalie: Bye.

Natalie Portman.jpg

Jean Kwok, SEARCHING FOR SYLVIE LEE

Jean Kwok: Hi. I'm so honored to meet you. Hello.

 

Zibby Owens: Hi. It's so nice to see you.

 

Jean: It's great to see you too. I am such a fan of yours and of your show. When they said you were interested in talking to me, I was just thrilled.

 

Zibby: Aw. I'm a fan of yours too, so this works out perfectly.

 

Jean: You're so kind. How are you?

 

Zibby: I'm okay. Thanks. I'm okay. How about you?

 

Jean: It's a crazy time, right?

 

Zibby: It is a crazy time.

 

Jean: Especially today. I just have to survive this.

 

Zibby: I know. Being mid-election results is a tricky time to have anybody focus on anything else.

 

Jean: It's a great break. It's great to do something else for a little bit because I'm just obsessively watching CNN. What's going to happen to us?

 

Zibby: I know. I know. Finally last night, I was like, I'm just going to go to sleep. I can't do this anymore.

 

Jean: I have to put it away. I have to not keeping looking at it every two seconds because it feels like the fate of the world is in the balance.

 

Zibby: It certainly does.

 

Jean: It's really, really hard, but thank goodness we have books. We have other ways of reaching people.

 

Zibby: I completely agree. Let's talk about your book because that's why we're here, give you some more room to promote your amazing work of fiction. Would you mind telling listeners what Searching for Sylvie Lee is about? Then I want to hear what inspired you to write it.

 

Jean: Searching for Sylvie Lee is the story of two sisters and a mother. What happens is that the dazzling, beautiful, successful, older sister, Sylvie, goes to the Netherlands to visit her dying grandmother, and she just disappears. Her younger sister, Amy, who's always been in her shadow -- Amy's the stuttering, shy one. Amy has to pull herself together and try to find her beloved older sister. It's this story about these deeply rooted secrets that tie these three women, Sylvie, Amy, and her mother, together.

 

Zibby: Amazing. How did you come up with the idea for this book?

 

Jean: The inspiration for this book was actually deeply personal. My brother, Kwan, who was the dazzling, brilliant one in our family, disappeared about ten years ago. He was the one that we had always looked up to. He was the one that we always went to when there was a problem. I was the black sheep of the family, so nobody ever listened to me. I grew up in a very conservative Chinese family. I am the youngest of seven children.

 

Zibby: Oh, my gosh, seven children.

 

Jean: Exactly, and I'm a girl. The two markers of hierarchy were age and gender, so I was at the bottom of the bottom my entire life. My brother and I, we really loved each other. He always was so great. There was never any jealousy between us, maybe because there was a ten-year age gap as well. When he disappeared that night, I really thought, oh, my god, there's nobody to turn to. The person who has to figure out what happened and take charge is me. That is the beating heart of this book, that feeling of loving someone so much and having relied on them your whole life and then needing to grow as a person in order to try to help them.

 

Zibby: What happened with your brother?

 

Jean: What happened was that -- it happened right before Thanksgiving, so right around this time of the year. At first, he hadn’t called home when he was supposed to call. That's the kind of thing where you think, for a responsible person, that's strange, but it can happen. You can get really busy. You could forget. Nobody had been able to reach him. People were kind of alarmed, but not really panicked. When he didn't come home for Thanksgiving, that was a true sign that something was wrong.

 

Zibby: How old was he at the time? How old were you? When was this in life?

 

Jean: I was in my thirties. He was in his forties. I was already living in the Netherlands. I was getting these panicked phone calls from my family in New York. As you may know, I was born in Hong Kong. I grew up in New York City. We grew up extremely poor. We're a working-class immigrant family. I lived in an apartment in Brooklyn that was unheated for most of my childhood. I worked in a clothing factory with my brother and with my family from the age of five through, really, most of my childhood. That was our background. Kwan had always been the person that I looked up to and who kind of showed me a way out of that circle of life at the factory where you'd go in as a child and you leave as an old woman dragging plastic bags home to your apartment because you really never leave the factory.

 

Zibby: Sorry to keep interrupting. Wait, so did you go to school, or were you working? Did you go to school, or not?

 

Jean: I did. We all went to school. What would happen is that my father would pick me up -- I would wake up. I would go to school. My father came and picked me up after school. I would go to the factory in Chinatown and work until nine or ten at night. All of my homework, all tests, everything, had to be on the subway or during breaks at the factory. My brother, Kwan, and my other brothers who were ten years older, they were in the high school phase at that point. They did the same thing. They had, of course, much more pressure. They had SATs. They had papers, projects, tests, all of which could only be squeezed into those train rides or breaks at the factory. What was even worse was that, for them -- I would go home around nine or ten at night with my parents, which is late for a little kid. For my brothers, they actually went on to a second job waiting tables at a restaurant until the middle of the night. In fact, that was how I actually began to write. I didn't decide to be a writer, but the moment I began writing was when -- I remember one night. I was sleeping on my mattress on the floor because we didn't have beds. Oh, my god, you do not want to be sleeping on a mattress when your apartment is overrun with vermin the way ours was because you would just hear the mice racing past you in the night. I'm a very terrified-of-vermin person to this day. When I go in the garden, I put on a radioactive suit. I was the same when I was a kid. I was just terrified of things crawling on me. I would be constantly making noise and banging around me to try to keep things away.

 

In any case, I was already asleep. One night, Kwan came home. It was the middle of the night. He laid a package on my pillow next to me. That was so unusual because we were paid one penny per piece of clothing that we did at the factory. After a long process of processing the clothing, we were paid one penny per piece. Of course, piece work is also illegal, but that's a whole other story. There are a lot of things in my childhood that were illegal. We were paid by the piece instead of by the hour. You can imagine. We had debt. We had rent. We could barely afford food. It's a hundred pieces of clothing before you have a dollar. I really didn't have toys or anything like that. It was amazing to get this gift. He had somehow managed to save enough to get me a gift. What amazes me to this day is that he had not given me a toy or a piece of candy, but he gave me something that would change my life. He got me a blank diary. He said, "Whatever you write in this will belong to you." That was just a powerful idea for a kid who had changed countries, changed culture, changed languages. I didn't speak a word of English when I came to the US. I suffered for it greatly in school. It was just amazing to have a place where I could put down my thoughts and my dreams.

 

My parents had gone from being parents to being people who were even more scared and confused than I was. Kwan was a really important person in my life. He was the first person to leave the family. He went to MIT. He showed me that there was a way out. He would help me by giving me things like a typewriter to work with. Eventually, I followed him. I went to Harvard as well. I kind of began the rest of my life in his footsteps. The fact was still that he was the older brother. He was the one who was listened to at home. When things went wrong, he was the one who stepped in and fixed them. When he did not come home for Thanksgiving, I remember I just thought, oh, my god. I realized that this was something that was going wrong on a level greater than any I had ever experienced before. This was not failing a test or the normal things that go on or some guy breaking up with you. This was really serious. We didn't know what had happened to him. He wasn't in a relationship at that time. It wasn't like we had a girlfriend or a wife who would know what he was doing day by day.

 

Finally, we found out from a friend that he had flown to Texas to buy an airplane. We'd grown up. He became quite successful. He was a scientist. He loved everything that went really fast, so he was a pilot as a hobby. He'd gone to buy an airplane. That was all we knew. Of course, I start trying to call small airports in Texas. Do you know how many airports there are in Texas? There are really a lot of airports. He picked the wrong state to disappear in. That is not a good place to disappear. It was just impossible to figure out where he was and what had happened. Finally, I hacked into his email. Once I did that, I was able to retrace his steps. Of course, all these things are going through your head. What happened to him? Was he kidnapped? Did the sale go through? Did they trick him? So many things could've happened between that airplane purchase and his disappearance. We found out that what had happened was that he had bought the plane. Everything had gone well. He had taken off, but he had not landed. That was the next stage of the mystery, was to try to figure out what happened to the plane. Something that I never realized before was that if you have an accident in a car, you are found because you are by a highway or you crash into someone's house.

 

If you crash in an airplane, actually, a lot of people who crash in those small planes, especially if something happens in a wooded area, they're never found. An airplane may seem large to us, but it's actually nothing compared with the forces of nature. They can just disappear into the woods. You never know what happened to that person. There was a period of a couple of weeks when we were trying to track down what had happened to him, amazing volunteers, search and rescue. You're thinking every day, oh, my god, he might be dying of thirst with a broken leg next to that plane. That's the worst thing. You don't know if any delay is making the difference between life and death. What happened eventually was that they did find his body. He had been flying it home to West Virginia. Somehow, in the mountains, a sudden storm had come on. He had to lower the plane to escape the lightning and thunder of the storm. In doing so, he nicked a tree and crashed into the side of a mountain. When that happened, he had died instantly. It was, of course, the worst thing that had ever happened to me, to hear this news. In a way, it was also a relief to know. Just the act of knowing is a gift in a time like that. It's a tremendous loss, but I was really grateful to all of the volunteers and the air force and everyone who had looked for him and actually found out what happened.

 

When I set out to write Searching for Sylvie Lee, which is my third novel, I wanted to talk about this story, but I couldn't do it. It was so painful. There was so much that was tied between me and story that I just couldn't move forward. Then I realized I need to not make it a man who disappeared. It has to be a woman. The moment I made the story about two sisters, it changed everything. Sylvie and Amy took on their own life. Of course, the emotional engine is still there because that's at the heart of why I wrote this book, and also, many issues about language and culture. How well do we really know the people that we love most? What secrets are we hiding from the people we love the most? What secrets are they hiding from us? Once I made that change, then the story just flowed and came out as if it were complete.

 

Zibby: Wow. What a story. First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. Second, I'm incredibly impressed by your detective skills and ability to have figured out what happened at the time. I'm just so sorry that that all fell into your lap and that you had to live through that. Also, going back to your childhood, the fortitude and immense mental willpower and just strength to get through that type of childhood and still end up at Harvard -- I went to this cushy private school, and kids couldn't even get into Harvard, falling over each other to try to get in. I am just so impressed. I didn't know that entire backstory. The novel, which I did read, I didn't even realize -- now it, of course, all has so much more meaning to me. Thank you for sharing that story. Then I also saw that your mother has passed away. Not to open up every old wound you have, but I wanted to hear what happened with her. I know it was about ten years ago. You've written a lot about that. I wanted to hear about that and how maybe that affected this other trauma. When, in sequence, did everything happen? This is a lot of questions. How were you able to move on and go back to writing, go back to focus after everything that had happened?

 

Jean: Zibby, this is what I love about you and why I'm such a huge fan of your work. You go right to the heart of why people do the things they do. I think that I kind of write from trauma to trauma. If I try to write about something too directly, then I can get blocked. Writing, for me, is a way of transforming the things that happen to us. I think that's what books are about. Books are about connection and communication. Yes, maybe you went to a cushy private school, but you had your own problems. Life is hard for us all. Life is hard in so many ways. The great thing about books is that you can live somebody else's life, but you can also connect to them and realize how much they are like you and how many struggles they’ve gone through that are actually, at heart, similar to the struggle that you went through yourself. My mother is indeed a very big influence in my books. Tragically, my mother died after my brother. This is how life is so unexpected. It's one of the things I say to people. Love the people you have around you. Try to appreciate having them around you because you can never know what's going to happen. I never ever anticipated that I would lose my young, healthy, vibrant brother before I lost my mother.

 

My mother was, of course, a tremendous loss and influence in my life. When I was little and we were working in the factory and I was going to sleep on that mattress on the floor, I would look up and every night of my childhood, my mother was sitting up late falling asleep over these bags of clothing that she had brought home from the factory. Because the apartment was unheated in New York City, which is, of course, incredibly cold in the winter -- in the back of the apartment, in fact, people had thrown bricks through the windows. The landlord hadn’t bothered to fix it like the landlord had not bothered to fix many things. In the front, they did fix the windows because, obviously, they didn't want a complaint. In the back where nobody could see, they didn't. Our windows there were only covered with black plastic bags and duct tape. The wind would gust against them all winter. We did the only thing we could, which was that we turned on the oven. We left it on day and night throughout the winter so that it was this little source of heat in the kitchen despite the lack of glass in the windows. My mother would just sit by that oven and fall asleep next to the oven every day working hard.

 

In my books, of course I talk about language gaps and about the differences between the first generation and the second generation, but I have a lot of sympathy for the first generation. I am a first-generation immigrant myself, and I know what my mother went through. I know what it's like to be the person on the subway who is dressed weird, who maybe smells weird, who's carrying a lot of plastic bags, and oh, my god, does not even speak English. To us English-speaking folks, it feels almost like an insult that somebody didn't bother to learn English because English is the universal language. We have the luxury of traveling everywhere over the world and everyone bends over backwards to speak English to us. We never have to think, how good's my Russian? What if I had to speak Russian to everybody in the world? How well would I be able to do that? It's very easy to make a judgement about somebody based upon how they speak and what level their English is at. I saw people making that judgement upon my mother my entire life. She never learned to speak English. The only words she ever learned of English was, when boys would call the house, she would pick up the phone and she would say, "She not home." Then she would hang up the phone. That was the only bit of English she ever learned.

 

I saw what she looked like from the outside. I knew what she was like in Chinese from the inside. When I wrote Searching for Sylvie Lee, for example, the narrative is told by these three women, Sylvie, Amy, and Ma. They're all thinking in their own languages. Sylvie was raised in the Netherlands with her grandmother. Sylvie is thinking in Dutch, which I also speak because I married a Dutch guy and I'm now living in the Netherlands. Amy is thinking in English. Ma is thinking in Chinese. You have moments like when Amy goes to see Ma and we see Ma for the first time. We see how Ma, from the outside, is this quiet, beloved-but-simple woman who's kind of getting berated by the customer in the dry cleaners. Then we open into Ma's chapter, and we realize this is a completely different person in her own language. She's deep. She's poetic. She has a wealth of feeling that she cannot communicate in English and that she also, tragically, cannot even really communicate to her own daughter. That's what happens in an immigrant family. We come to the US. Oftentimes, the younger generation does not know the original language as well as the parents. The parents don't pick up the new language as well as the kids. Then you have this huge language and communication gap between the people who actually love each other the most.

 

Zibby: Then what ended up happening with your mom?

 

Jean: My mom died of cancer. We knew that she had been sick for a while. She was doing really pretty well until the very end, so she didn't suffer very long, for which I'm glad. We knew she was getting old and getting frail. When she passed away, it was a different kind of grief. It's always a huge shock. It's always really terrible. I still have dreams where everybody's alive. Then you wake up and you're just confused by what's reality and what's not reality. It was different. My brother, who disappeared so suddenly out of nowhere, that was just such a shock. You're knocked for a loop because you did not see it coming.

 

Zibby: Wow. I, again, am just so sorry for all the stuff that you have been through. I'm curious about your family. I know I'm barely talking about the book now, but you have such a captivating story yourself. Was your mother still working in the factory? What happened to your older siblings? Were they able to achieve a point of comfort in their financial situations that your parents could stop working? What ended up happening?

 

Jean: We all, luckily, wound up doing well and getting out of the factory. Because I have these older siblings, they worked really hard. They were actually able to take my parents and us out of the factory. My mom had a lot of happy years along with my father. My father was pretty sick when I was a kid. He died when I was pretty young. My father wasn't as much of the day-to-day life of the family as my mother was. My mom had a lot of happy years. I remember, my brother, Kwan, and I understood she was getting old even before she began to get sick in any way. We would make sure to take her on trips to Las Vegas. Can I just tell you, don't go to Las Vegas with your mother. [laughs] I love my mom. It was great to be there with her. She was like, "Those girls are not wearing anything. Don't look." We would go through the casinos blind. She's like, "They're gambling, oh, my god. Come on." She really liked the food. She liked all the buffets. She liked the big hotel and stuff like that. We had a good time. We took her on a lot of trips. We had a lot of really good times with her. I guess it's one of the ironies of life that when my brother died first, I had all these photos of the three of us that I had taken, really, to remember my mother. Then instead, it was my brother who had gone.

 

I will say that that was the time in my life when my debut novel, Girl in Translation, was published. It was surprisingly very successful from the moment it was published. I was really happy that they were able to see that. They just saw the beginning of that. At first, my family was kind of surprised that I do write about my past. Searching for Sylvie Lee is, of course, in many ways, about the disappearance of my brother, but also the price of the American dream. Who pays and how do you pay for achieving that type of success? What happens if you're not capable of achieving the American dream, of achieving that success? That's what Sylvie Lee is about. My first book, Girl in Translation, is really about those years when we were really poor and living in that apartment and working in the factory. I remember they were a little bit surprised that I had written about it because people who come from a background like mine don't usually grow up to become writers. I had that instinct as well for a long time that if you're able to escape that life, you want to put it behind you. You want to forget about it. You feel ashamed of it. It feels like nobody else ever had anything comparable to what you went through. You just want to move on.

 

I had written the book as fiction thinking that nobody would ever read it and that nobody would ever ask me, is this based on your real life? Then of course, my books became very successful. Everybody was asking me, are your books based on your real life? My family, they were a bit in a shock when that came out. Then I think it really turned to pride because so many people were so kind and had the generous reaction you just had which was, how amazing that you survived that and managed to come through whole and in one piece. I think that that shame has turned into pride. I give a lot of credit for who I became and coming through as, I hope, as a kind person as opposed to a bitter, hard person -- that can also occur when you reach success. I really give credit to my mother because my mother really brought us up to say, the most important thing is who you are and the people you love. The things you have -- yes, it's nice to have enough. It is essential to have enough. Once you have enough to eat and to live, after that, it's really all about who you love and who you are.

 

Zibby: Wow. That's so nice. It's so important. It's so important to get that message out and find what unites all of us. In a time of such divisiveness, stories like yours are so important to hear. Messages like your mother's, they just go to the root of what is common and shared among everybody no matter what the background or circumstance is like. Jean, I am just in awe and so impressed. Now I have to go back and read your first two books which I haven't read yet. You're giving me more work here. [laughs]

 

Jean: I think you are so right. We are in a time of such divisiveness. This is a moment when books can do so much for us. It's something that I think about when I'm writing. I don't want to preach to anybody. I want the book to be a really fun read just by itself. It's a page-turner and a mystery and suspenseful. You can turn the pages just enjoying the story. I also think that the reason I do these things with language and with culture and race and immigration in the books as underlying themes is that I hope that somebody who's reading the book just for enjoyment and pleasure might pick up something else about, what is it like to not speak the language? What is it like to be judged? The great thing about novels is that it's the one medium where you are really placed inside someone's mind regardless of gender, color, race, socioeconomic status. It does not matter who you are. You really walk a mile in someone else's shoes. That's an opportunity for the author to show the reader, this is what it's like. This is what happens.

 

Especially since Searching for Sylvie Lee was a Read with Jenna Today Show pick, I reached a wider audience than I had before. I reached some people who had really not read books like mine. It was really great. They say, wow, I had no idea that somebody who might be of another race but who might speak English perfectly could still encounter racism the way that your characters did. I had no idea how frustrating it must be to be Ma and to be kind of trapped within this bubble of not being able to express yourself truly the way you want to, to the world and to your own children, to listen to your children be on the phone and not know what they're talking about. That's just so difficult. Yet so many people go through that. I do see a book as a means of connection, absolutely.

 

Zibby: It's great. A lot of books serve as a tool to share your voice, to find your own voice. I feel like your book actually helped you find your mother's voice, the voice that maybe you never got to experience and that you didn't want to be lost. That’s just beautiful. That's amazing. I say this, by the way, to my kids a lot. How would you like to be dropped in Tibet? You try to talk. I took French in college or whatever, but I'm not particularly good at languages. To drop me in another culture, no matter what people said about the importance of that language, it's not going to make me be able to learn it or master it any faster. Everyone has skills. Some people are foreign language people. Some people are not. To have that one skill out of so many be the thing that determines your intelligence is something that not enough people think about on a day-to-day basis. You're absolutely right to highlight it and all of that. Now I have to find out, what's going on now? Are you writing another book? What's happening with you in the future? Sorry, I've been captivated. I'm running long on this interview, and I didn't ask you anything I wanted to ask you.

 

Jean: I'm loving our conversation as well. I am actually finishing my next book. I'm really excited about this book. It is a mystery, thriller, an immigrant story kind of like Sylvie Lee. What happens is that when the book opens, we are reading a letter from a Chinese woman to someone she loves. We don't know who she's writing to. She is begging this person for forgiveness for her role in a murder. We know that somebody was killed. We know that she was involved in it. It was a person who was very important to the person she's writing to who she loves more than anything in the world, but we don't know who any of these players are. She says, I hope that when you hear my full story, you will forgive me and that maybe you will come to me and we could be reunited. Then we rewind fifteen years, and she starts to tell the story of what actually really happened all those years ago. It's only at the end of the book that we find out who she's writing to, who got killed, and why she really did everything she did.

 

Zibby: Oh, my gosh, now I can't wait to read that.

 

Jean: We'll send you a copy as soon as [indiscernible/crosstalk].

 

Zibby: Please do. Do you have any advice for aspiring authors?

 

Jean: Yeah, I have a lot of advice. To go back to my own problems with writing Searching for Sylvie Lee, I think that, as a writer, you kind of have to walk this line. On the one hand, you need to write from your burning passion. You need to write from your trauma. You need to write the things that make you uncomfortable, that hurt you. What I do think is wonderful about that is that -- sometimes stuff happens to us and it just seems like, why is this happening? There's nothing good in this. There's nothing redeeming. This is so unfair. This should not be happening to me or to this other amazing, kind, wonderful person. I find writing to be a kind of magical thing. I guess it's giving your attention. When you pay attention to something like that, when you describe it, when you tell it to someone else, it transforms something that is senseless into something that is a means of connection that we can learn something from, into a thing of beauty. I would say that as a writer, yes, you need to write to that place. You need to write that truth. On the other hand, sometimes it can be too right on the nose. It can be too hard to go forward in that way. What you have to do is just change the thing that's silencing you. It could be a change like I did from changing from a man to a woman and letting the book take on its own life. It could be that you have a character in your book that is a censoring character that might be connected to somebody in your own past that didn't want you to speak. I would say, just kill that person off. There's nothing wrong it. Just kill them off. It's fine. I mean, not in real life.

 

Zibby: [laughs] I know. I know.

 

Jean: In your book, just get rid of them. Sometimes if you do that, that can be pretty magical. Suddenly, you're able to tell things that you were afraid to speak about before or change them enough that you can deal with having them in your book. That is what I would say. Maybe one last thing to say to aspiring writers. Sometimes it's very hard to know what advice to take and what advice not to take. I would say, yes, absolutely, be as open as you can. On the other hand, you wrote what you wrote for a reason. I always think that it's better to have a living, vital, imperfect creature than a perfect corpse lying on a slab that is maybe in total proportion but is no longer alive. Whatever that vital spark is that is making you write what you write, you have to nurture that and keep that alive.

 

Zibby: Wow. This is amazing. I feel so fortunate that we got a chance to talk. I just wish we could talk longer. Now I want to stay in touch and meet you and all of the rest. I'm so glad our paths have crossed in life. I'll email you after. [laughs] Thank you, Jean. Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for showing everybody what's really important about life in so many ways and also for the entertainment that your books provide. It’s a one-stop shop with you.

 

Jean: Zibby, thank you so much. I do want to say before we get off that you do so much to promote reading and authors. You have incredible, impeccable taste. I have been a really big fan of yours for such a long time. I'm so happy we got to meet and that we had this chance to talk.

 

Zibby: Me too. Thanks, Jean.

 

Jean: Take care. Bye.

 

Zibby: You too. Buh-bye.

Jean Kwok.jpg

Suzanne Nossel, DARE TO SPEAK

Zibby Owens: Welcome, Suzanne. Thanks so much for coming on "Moms Don't Have Time to Read Books."

 

Suzanne Nossel: Thanks for having me. It's great to be here.

 

Zibby: Let's discuss your book, Dare to Speak: Defending Free Speech for All. Amazing that you wrote this. There is so much information in here. It must have taken you a really long time to write and research and get it all perfect with all the bullet points. I feel like it's almost like a -- a textbook sounds pejorative in some way, but it's the resource on free speech. That's what it is. Every lawyer should have it. Everybody should have it on their shelf in terms of any questions related to this whole topic. That wasn't really a question, just a rave.

 

Suzanne: Thank you so much. Moms don't have time to write books is more like it. [laughs] It was a bit of a high-wire act.

 

Zibby: Tell me about it. You're also a CEO of PEN America. When did you decide to write this book? How did you decide what form it should take? Then how did you get it done?

 

Suzanne: The ideas, I would say, were germinating for some time. In the daily work of PEN America, we confront so many free speech controversies. We began work on free speech on college campuses several years ago. Whether it was professors being disciplined for something that they said in class or controversies over messages chalked on walkways on campuses, demands for trigger warnings, arguments that the campus should become a safe space, all of that really came to the foreground. What I saw was a real generational and cultural divide in how people thought about these issues. A lot of older people are really pretty horrified that young people seem so unfamiliar with and even alienated from the concept of free speech and are ready to ask to be protected from uncomfortable ideas by their institutions even if that meant letting the institution, the university administration, have more power over them. Young people ready to do that, and older people saying, have you lost your mind? This is freedom of speech. You ought to be more resilient. If you hear ideas you don't like, you just push back. The answer to offensive speech is more speech.

 

I felt like the two sides were really sort of talking past each other. That was something that has guided our work on campus free speech where we really make the argument time and again through trainings and workshops and engagements on individual campuses that the drive for a more equal, inclusive, and just society, which is what a lot of young people are striving for and working towards, is compatible with robust protections for free speech. In fact, free speech can be an enabler of those social justice causes. That basic idea which undergirds the book was something that I came to feel very passionate about and feel like it needed to make its way out more widely into the world. I really conceived the book in the beginning part of 2019. It was an editor, honestly -- I had a morass of ideas. She, when I met with her, said, "Why don't you make it into a set of principles?" The moment she said that, suddenly something clicked. I felt like, okay, I could imagine doing that. I could see how that seems like a manageable task, whereas wrestling to the ground all these complex issues without a clear structure felt a bit overwhelming. That's how I started.

 

Zibby: Wow. Then what happened? How long did it take to write it? How did you structure it and fit it into the rest of your life?

 

Suzanne: It was hard. One really important thing was I hired two really smart research assistants. It was a process to find them. I had to test out a lot of people. I knew, sort of, what I wanted the twenty chapters to be. I had ideas for each one, but I needed them to pull examples of different kinds of phenomena and to look through the secondary literature. I put them to work. They helped by creating memos. Then I took five weeks off last summer. My job is really busy and demanding. There's a lot of evening work and weekend work. I knew I needed a concentrated block of time. My kids were at camp, which also really helped. I was pretty free and clear. I worked in the Performing Arts Library on the Upper West Side. I would just force myself to be there when it opened. I basically had to rough out a chapter each day. It was really pretty grueling. By the end of that five weeks I kind of had a skeleton of the whole thing. Then it was months of revisions and back and forth and engaging with different experts who I wanted to review different parts of the manuscript. The psychological hurdle of climbing the mountain was really last summer.

 

Zibby: Tell me also a little more about your amazing background. You worked within the White House for the UN. You have done everything, Harvard -- two Harvards, right? You went to undergrad and the law school. This is an amazing career trajectory that you've had. Now it's ended -- not ended. Now we're at the steppingstone of your career where there's a book and you're leading this great company helping enhance speech and thought throughout the world, really. Tell me a little about, when you were a kid, did you think this is what you wanted to do? When did you know this is sort of the path you wanted to be on? How did you start out? How did you end up here?

 

Suzanne: I was always sort of interested in human rights issues, international affairs. As a young child, I was involved in the movement to free Soviet Jews who were stuck under that authoritarian government, couldn't practice their religion, weren’t allowed to emigrate. There was big movement here in the US to support them. My family, at one point, traveled over to meet with some of those, they were called refuseniks. I think that made a big impression on me. My parents were also from South Africa. They grew up in apartheid South Africa. I had a lot of relatives in South Africa who we would visit growing up. My parents were not terribly political. For me, it was jarring growing up in the liberal suburbs of New York and then going to visit what was still apartheid South Africa in the 1980s and seeing segregated buses and beaches and water fountains and trying to make sense of that. Actually, after college, it was in the beginning of the opening up in South Africa, and I spent two years working in Johannesburg. Most of the time, it was as part of an effort to combat political violence in the townships during the transition. It was working with all the different political parties, the police, the churches, the businesses, civics unions. That was amazing and really inspired the rest of my career in human rights and international affairs. Being part of that momentous transition and how it teetered on the precipice of erupting into explosive violence but managed to push it through relatively peaceful and just being very close to the action with that, which was the luck of being in the right place at the right time, I would say kindled a fire that sort of kept me going my whole career.

 

Zibby: Wow. That's a very unique way. I remember in fifth grade we all had these political prisoner bracelets. Do you know what I mean? They were copper. Everybody had a name. My guy's name was David something or other. I wore it around my wrist for like a year because it was such a big thing. It was just the issue of the time. It was captivating everybody's consciousness then, for people who might not have lived through that.

 

Suzanne: It was a great movement. Those bracelets, I remember as well. They really did find ways to engage kids and people from all walks of life and make -- I don't know if you ever did the marches that they would do down Fifth Avenue to [indiscernible] Plaza at the UN. Those were really inspiring. It was the same feeling you have if you go out on the streets to protest today as part of the Women's March or the Black Lives Matter protests, that energy. You're all together. You're chanting. It's a huge release. Getting a little flavor of that for a kid, for some people, and I think I'm one of them, ends up being something very powerful that you are drawn to try to come back to at different points in your life.

 

Zibby: As you navigated through your career decisions, was there any one point that you feel like looking back led you to where you are? Is there any job you took or anything where there were two forks in the road and you went this way and that's how you ended up here and how you ended up at a nonprofit at this stage?

 

Suzanne: I had a corporate career. I was at McKinsey and then Bertelsmann Media and The Wall Street Journal and learned a lot. I really enjoyed it. I still have friends and colleagues from each of those stages who I've remained close with. Then there was a certain point where, in my head, I was doing that to gain skills that I thought I ultimately wanted to use in another arena, in something that was more human rights or public service oriented. There was kind of a turning point where I left The Wall Street Journal and went to Human Rights Watch to become the COO which was really using my management skills. It was kind of a breaking point to decide, if I'm saying this is why I've taken the time to be in the private sector and it's for another purpose, I need to make good on that. If I stay here too long, that might really fall away. I might end up with a very different career than what I thought I was embarking on.

 

Zibby: How did your having kids fit into any of this?

 

Suzanne: I have two kids who are teenagers. It's been amazing but also challenging. When I had my son, I was actually fired when I was on maternity leave. It was a complete shock and really unsettling. I was very career oriented. Then suddenly, there I was back at home. I thought my maternity leave was going to end after three months. It went on for a while. I had to find a new job. I experienced firsthand these very real conflicts. My boss was sort of forthright. He was like, "You weren’t here, and so we reconfigured this and that." I said, "Would this have happened if I hadn’t gone on maternity leave?" He's like, "Oh, no, definitely not. You were doing a great job." That was quite eye-opening. Then I would say the other piece that was a little unusual was during the first term of the Obama administration. My kids were very young. My son was in kindergarten. My daughter had just started nursery school. I was offered a position. I wanted to join the administration. I was hoping to be placed at the UN in New York.

 

Instead, I was offered a position in Washington, and so I commuted for a year when the kids were very little. That was very tough. I was constantly coming and going. It was a lot for my husband to deal with. We were very lucky that we had a great nanny. We also had a neighbor downstairs who conveniently was willing to be a helper in the early mornings to get the kids off to school at seven AM. That was kind of miraculous. Then I did work a day or two from New York at the end of the week. It was a real high-wire act that I wouldn't necessarily recommend anyone do. It was something that was very important to me. Then after that year, my husband got a fellowship in Washington, so the family moved to Washington. We spent a wonderful year there. It's tough because the years when you're career-building coincide very often with the years when your kids are young. There can be some real challenges and dilemmas. I think a lot of women would not have ever contemplated commuting with kids so young. We made it work, but it wasn't easy.

 

Zibby: Wow. Your ending up at PEN, did any of it have to do with your love of books? Do you love books? If so, what do you love to read?

 

Suzanne: I do. I'm a huge reader. I actually read mostly nonfiction. I like historical biography. I like to read about US foreign policy. I love diplomatic memoirs. My husband is a historian. He reviews a lot of books. We have a constant flow of new books into the house. In that sense, it was very natural for me. I knew a lot of writers. I felt like I had some connection to their concerns and the debates that take place within the literary and intellectual community. What I hadn’t really done is worked with writers. In my job, especially with our board, I work very closely with writers. It's been a great pleasure because they're just such interesting people. I've been really fortunate with all of our board leadership that they’ve been wonderful to work with and so insightful and fun. Every lunch and meeting and encounter is a little bit richer and more unpredictable than what you might have with somebody who is a human rights expert or a policy expert.

 

Zibby: What are you going to read tonight? Do you read before bed? When do you read?

 

Suzanne: We're talking the day before the election, so it may be a little hard to peel myself away from the -- I'm actually trying to get through Nick Lemann's article in the New Yorker about what's next for the republican party because I'm very curious about that. That's what's on my nightstand right now.

 

Zibby: Nice. Yes, this will come out later, but as we're recording, it's the day before the election. I almost can't even believe that we're finally here. I felt like it would almost never come. It was like, we're only eighty-three days away or something. I'm like, what? Now here we are.

 

Suzanne: By the time this comes out, we will know a lot more about the future of this country.

 

Zibby: Perhaps, or perhaps not. Who knows? These things sometimes drag on. We'll see what happens. We'll see. So what's coming next for you? What are you looking forward to in this crazy time of life that we're all living through without planning being immediately accessible to us all?

 

Suzanne: For us, organizationally, it will be a significant pivot no matter how the election comes out. Having worked on free expression for many years and then over the last four years, an intensification of our work here in the US because of these divisions over campus free speech, attacks on press freedom, this challenge to the truth -- we've been doing a lot of work over the last few months on the rise in disinformation and how to inoculate people through disinformation-defense training and really spreading the word about what to anticipate with this election so that people are less vulnerable to conspiracy theories. That's been a huge focus. All of that work will continue in different ways. It's figuring out what the new paradigm is going to be like. I feel very certain that the challenges that have led up to the last four years and that we've lived through over the last four years do not evaporate no matter what happens tomorrow. I think some of the ways in which we need to engage must evolve.

 

We've done a lot of work at PEN America across the country really mobilizing over the last four years recognizing it's just not enough to do this work in New York or Washington or Los Angeles. We have chapters in Detroit; Dallas; Austin; Birmingham; Greensboro, North Carolina. Talking with those people about how we mend this fractured society, how we can use the power of the written word, of great literature, the stature of writers to commence a process of coming together, I'm hoping a lot of people feel that's necessary. That's going to be a big focus for us over the next few months. Then there's just also the human level of getting through the pandemic. I live in New York City. We lived through this in a very tough way in the spring. I know you've been very hard hit personally. I think we're tired of it, but we're also extremely leery and really thinking through how we sustain ourselves, and the human connections in particular. I've realized I'm an extrovert and I really miss seeing people. This has been hard for me. I need to probably come up with a plan for how to get through the winter. The summer was a lot better with ways of being together out of doors.

 

Zibby: I'm a little nervous about the winter coming. These first cold days that we've had are really worrying me. No kid playdates. How do you take a walk? and all these things that are the keys to my sanity. I guess we'll just have to see, particularly here. Who knows? Lots of question marks. I have to say, I was so lucky to have been invited to the PEN gala last year back when galas were a thing. I felt like a kid in a candy store because everywhere you turned you were bumping into amazing authors. I didn't even recognize, I'm sure, three quarters of them, which is the crazy thing about authors. You can sit and read for days or weeks, somebody's work, and then pass them crossing the street and not even realize. It was so amazing to just be in that environment. To have so many authors support an organization is really unique and amazing. Then you were so nice to let me cohost the Brit Bennett PEN America Virtual Authors' Night. I'm excited to do more of those. PEN's just been this nice bright light in all the darkness that we have these days.

 

Suzanne: It's nice to hear you say that. We obviously can't do the huge gala with all the finery of the Natural History Museum this year. It's sad because it's a great party. It's a lot of people's favorite party of the year. We really miss it. We're doing a virtual version that will be at the beginning of December. We've got Patti Smith. Actually, Bono is coming. Not entirely public, but I'll let your audience in on the secret in the hope that that news will be out by the time this podcast is released. We just announced last week we're giving an award to Darnella Frazier who is the seventeen-year-old girl who picked up her cell phone camera and recorded the murder of George Floyd and then posted it on her Facebook. The rest really is history. She performed that catalytic act. We have an award that every year goes to recognize somebody's courage in the exercise of free expression. She just felt to us like a perfect recipient. We're also giving that award -- we have two recipients this year. The other is Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch who was the US Ambassador to Ukraine who faced this withering scorn from the White House when she spoke up about interference with US policy on Ukraine.

 

Two very powerful women, totally different. We're extremely excited to recognize them. Darnella in particular has not really spoken publicly about this. It's going to be, nonetheless, a special event. I also invite your listeners to check out -- you did that wonderful event with Brit Bennett. We have many other Authors' Evenings that are these intimate, small-scale, really interactive give and takes. It's not like your typical webinar when, as an audience member, you're just in receive mode. Maybe you're lucky enough to put a question in the chat. You can actually, with our events, have a bit of a dialogue with a famous author, whoever it may be. We had Bob Woodward. We've got Susan Glasser and Peter Baker. We're going to do one with Isabel Wilkerson. I encourage people to check out our website and join us for these events. They're really a ball for book lovers at this time when so many of the book parties and readings and things that we normally enjoy are off-limits.

 

Zibby: If you need a moderator for Isabel Wilkerson, if that's available, let me know. [laughs] I'm kidding. Anyway, congratulations on your book, Dare to Speak: Defending Free Speech for All. This is really fantastic. I am wearing red to match your cover today.

 

Suzanne: Thank you so much. I appreciate the color coordination. It's great to see you.

 

Zibby: Great to see you too.

 

Suzanne: Happy election day. Happy winter arriving. I feel for you. I share the same feelings about the walks and the ways that we've stayed sane, but we'll find some new ones. It's going to work out. We'll be okay.

 

Zibby: Lots of hot chocolate.

 

Suzanne: Yes. We're attracted to the same creature comforts, it sounds like.

 

Zibby: Exactly, yes. Bye, Suzanne. Thanks so much.

 

Suzanne: Thanks a lot. Bye.

 

Zibby: Buh-bye.

Suzanne Nossel.jpg

Jennifer Risher, WE NEED TO TALK

Zibby Owens: Welcome, Jennifer and David, to "Moms Don't Have Time to Read Books." I'm so excited to have both of you here with me today. Thanks for joining.

 

David Risher: Thanks, Zibby.

 

Jennifer Risher: Thanks for having us.

 

Zibby: This is a dual-purpose interview. The two of you, this power couple who now I know the most intimate details of your life because of Jennifer's book -- I'm almost embarrassed. The book is called We Need to Talk: A Memoir About Wealth, but it's really also a memoir about you. It's about your success in life and how things have developed and your relationship and family and struggling with everything from, am I spoiling my daughter by going to Hawaii when she's eight months old? to all these big and small questions in life. Then David is here, A, as your husband and the central character in this book aside from you, and also because he's doing such amazing things, as you both are, for reading worldwide. Lots to discuss. Why don't we start with the book? Jennifer, would you mind just telling listeners who aren't aware and who might not have gotten the full scoop from my brief summary there what your book is about? Also, what made you write this book? What made you write it? Why now?

 

Jennifer: Zibby, I'm really lucky because when I was twenty-five, I joined Microsoft and I met David. I also got stock that ended up being worth hundreds of thousands of dollars. Six years later, Dave and I were married, expecting our first child. Dave had started this job at an unknown startup that was selling books on the internet. He loves books. He wanted to try this thing out. It was Amazon. We were in our early thirties. We had more money than we could wrap our heads around. Wealth surprised me. I didn't find myself in a big, sparkly, private club hanging out and sharing financial secrets. I found myself kind of alone in a strange, silent space where no one talks much about money at all. I felt the resentment of friends. I was worried about raising spoiled, entitled children. I wasn't sure how to give to family members or how to approach philanthropy. No one discusses these things even though most people are new to these challenges. Eight out of ten people with wealth grew up middle class or poor. I was surprised that wealth felt so isolating. Normally, if I have a problem or a question, I turn to friends. If I want to figure out, should my sixteen-year-old have a curfew? I ask everyone I know. I get their ideas. I hear about their experiences. I get advice. Just talking about something like that is helpful because it lets me know my question is normal, that it's shared. The same doesn't happen with money. I couldn't talk to people about having a lot of it. I thought, I'll turn to books. I wanted to find a book, but there were no books.

 

Zibby: Where is the bookshelf for people who have won the lottery? [laughter] I can't find the book about this.

 

Jennifer: I needed that book. Actually, I wrote my book because my story is one I'd want to know about if hadn’t happened to me. I also wrote my book for the millions of Americans like me who have more money than they had growing up or they have more money than many of their friends or they have more money than others in their extended family. I'm sharing my story as a way to help other people understand their own. We have this fairy tale idea about wealth in our heads. The reality feels strange and lonely. I'm not trying to show people how to do rich right. I don't have the answer for that. I am offering up this story that hasn’t been told.

 

Zibby: I feel like you came in, also -- sorry, I hope I didn't interrupt you. You came in with this bias. I feel like your family was particularly, not anti-wealthy, but there was such a judgement attached to spending anything. I feel like you had such a chip on your shoulder. Maybe not everyone coming into wealth is that almost disdainful of it or, I can't enjoy this house or I can't get a connecting flight or whatever it was. I feel like you had a particularly strong background against it. Then when you found yourself in it, you had to do a lot of mental work. It was like cognitive dissonance in a way.

 

Jennifer: Absolutely. To become something that you're biased against is tricky. I had to really work through that. I do think that we have a very narrow and incomplete view of wealth in our country. We see the stereotypes. We know the Kardashians and the Real Housewives and the men of Wolf of Wall Street. Of course, we've heard of Jeffery Epstein or the parents who illegally try to get their kids into schools that they're not qualified for. We see these stereotypes. I don't think I'm the only one who has this view of what wealth is all about. It doesn't look or feel like what Hollywood sells us. Eight out of ten, like I said, people with wealth grew up middle class or poor, so they are you.

 

Zibby: I feel like so many people would be like, really, so it's hard for you to be suddenly wealthy? I'm really sorry about that. [laughs] That's why you can't get a normal conversation going about it. It's something that people would really like to have even if there's a bias. It's a woe-is-me problem. Woe is me. Should I go to Aspen or not? These are the tough questions. I think people are very quick to mock it and not understand it. Then there left a big hole for your book, so there you go.

 

Jennifer: I think there's a reason this book hasn’t been written. It's because of that. I think it's important to start conversations. No matter how much you have in your bank account, if you have parents, if you have a partner or siblings or friends, you probably know that money is uncomfortable to talk about. You probably have faced that awkward money moment or you have some money issues hanging over your head. It's emotional. These emotions are universal. No matter how much you have, we have a lot of fear. It's fear of being rejected, fear of hurting other people's feelings, fear of not measuring up or of sounding unknowledgeable. We all have money shame and money guilt. We all have that money story that starts in childhood.

 

Zibby: David, I don't want to leave you out here. I have all of Jen's views of her family and her wealth and all this stuff and some of yours. What was this whole experience like for you? Do you share the, let's talk about it, let's let other people in, mission of Jennifer's right now? How do you feel?

 

David: [laughs] For sure, the answer is yes to that question. I do. My growing up was different. I didn't grow up with a lot of money myself. In fact, I was raised by a single mother. Our big event for the week was going to the library and coming out with a big stack of books. That’s how we explored the world. It obviously has something to do with what I'm doing now. For me, there's probably less emotion, in a sense, tied up. What my mother would say is, we're not poor, we just don't have any money, just a neutral statement. I didn't have this kind of bias coming in. At the same time, I had no preparation for what we've gone through at all. As Jen said, this is the book I would've looked for in the bookstore if it existed. Instead, she had to write it.

 

Zibby: Wow. By the way, I used to work a company called Idealab. I don't know if you knew it. It was a big deal in 2001 for a hot minute. I had a moment with stock options because I was the twenty-fifth employee. All of a sudden, I was like, oh, my gosh, this is going to be amazing. I'm going to have this huge pile fall into my lap. It didn't happen. When you were saying how people had the stock price in the office, checking all the time, that sort of became the culture of some of the operating companies. Anyway, I don't even know why I bothered sharing that. I want to hear about the new nonprofit and #HalfMyDAF and all these things that you guys are doing to change the world, Worldreader and everything. When did the nonprofit element, giving back, start bubbling up in your lives? How did it come to this?

 

David: It's something we can probably both talk about. We have maybe a little bit different perspective. Neither one of us really grew up in a family that gave a lot of money away. We didn't have any money to give away. Jen's parents weren’t really wired that way. For us, Jen talks about this, our first philanthropy was our children's school asking us for donations and these sorts of things, which, looking back on it, are fine on-ramps, but it's kind of incremental. It's not really going to get you over the hump. About ten years ago, we decided to spend the year traveling around the world with our children, with our two daughters. We have two daughters. At the time, they were very young. We were their teachers, which is a whole separate experience, just infuriating and fantastic and everything you can imagine. We also spent every afternoon and often entire days or longer working with them doing service work. We taught at a school in China for a couple weeks, taught English there. We helped paint a house and actually helped someone buy a house in Vietnam and so forth. Along the way, we were reading. That's a separate story about Worldreader. I think both of us at that point were looking for a little bit of the next thing. I, in particular, was very much looking for the next thing. I'd been at Amazon for many years. Again, I can tell you the story of the beginning of Amazon separately if you're interested.

 

Zibby: I would take that. [laughs]

 

David: You got it.

 

Zibby: Finish this one.

 

David: Maybe I'll tell you just the beginning of Worldreader which will help tie a couple threads together. We actually ended the trip in Ecuador. We were at an orphanage. It was a girls' orphanage. Our daughters had volunteered. We had the spent the day working with the young women there. As we were walking towards the exit of the orphanage, the woman who ran the orphanage was looking around. I was too. I saw a building with a big padlock on it. I asked the woman, "What's going on with that?" She said, "That's our library." Here, my ears are perking up because I'm the library kid. I wasn't good at a lot as a kid, but I knew something about the library. I said, "Why is it locked?" She said, "Look, the books take forever to get here. They come by boat. Often, by the time they get here, they're not very interesting because they're out of date or maybe they started out as being someone else's almost trash books type of thing. The girls just aren't very interested in that anymore." I said, "Gosh, that doesn't sound good at all. Can we take a look inside?"

 

She said, "I think I've lost the key to that place." When she said that, now we're looking at our two daughters. Each of our daughters has a Kindle because of my Amazon background. We use that to read around the world. Every place we went, we would read books that were local books. I just said, this is crazy. One thing led to another, and we started Worldreader with this notion that everyone can be a reader. Readers build a better future. They're healthier. They're more prosperous, more empathy. If we can get a billion people reading someday, this world will be a better place. That's been what I've been focused on these last ten years just as Jen has been focused on for fourteen years, writing this book about money and philanthropy and doing more in the world. It's been a really interesting both parallel path, but then paths which keep crossing in all sorts of fun ways.

 

Zibby: You must have really great, inspiring conversations at the dinner table about what you guys have been doing during the day. That's pretty awesome. Insider look at the formation of Amazon, I'll take a snippet of that if you're offering it.

 

David: For sure. All I can say there is -- you were the fiftieth employee at Idealab.

 

Zibby: Twenty-fifth.

 

David: Twenty-fifth, so you know what it's like to be part of a company that's still figuring out what it's all about. I was number thirty-seven at Amazon. At the time, it was, as Jen said, a tiny little internet bookstore. We had sold $15.6 million of books in 1996. In 1997, after some conversations with this crazy guy named Jeff Bezos who actually literally called me one day checking the reference of someone who used to work with me when I was at Microsoft -- anyway, joining this company, he had this huge vision of, I want to be the place where you can find and discover anything you want to buy on the internet. That was his early vision. Maybe, if we're lucky, we'll get to a billion dollars by 2000. I just said, look, how could I not do this? It's technology, which I'd grown to love at Microsoft. It's books. There was a bookstore. We could become earth's biggest bookstore. That was our tagline at the time. We could maybe do something that really did change the world.

 

It was exhausting and crazy. Frankly, we didn't know what we were doing half the time. We almost ran out of money a couple times. Again, it's probably a whole separate podcast. All I can say is that from the outside today, Amazon looks like this incredible machine. I will tell you, when you're employee number thirty-seven and you're literally putting down the train tracks as the train is just barreling down the tracks, it's pretty frightening. Last thing I'll say, my mother, she would call me and she would say, "David, what have you done? Why have you left Microsoft to go to this crazy thing?" The papers would be calling us Amazon.bomb. That was the thing. Anyway, no one knew why I'd made this crazy decision. I just said, "It was kind of about books, kind of about reading, and almost a passion [indiscernible] for me to see if this was going to work." Luckily, it did.

 

Jennifer: At that time, people weren’t going to their computers to buy things. I was like, oh, my gosh, who's going to go to the computer to buy a book? Then he was going to add music. He was going to add toys. I'm like, no one is going to go to their computer. [laughs] Luckily, someone else had a better vision than I did.

 

David: Actually, Jen was a huge advocate of my going. We were just about to have our first daughter. It was kind of crazy. People would say, maybe you should just have one child at once, not have a child and a [indiscernible]. It worked out.

 

Zibby: Wow. That's nuts. What a story. I feel like, though, the startup life and the parenting life, you're probably up at all hours in both cases. It must have been a nice symbiotic relationship.

 

David: Right. Neither one of us slept for about seven years. It was fine.

 

Zibby: Who needs sleep? Nobody needs sleep. Jen, in your book, I found it really interesting that interspersed with all of the personal stories and the thought-provoking issues you brought up, you had little pages with discussion questions as if you wanted us to stop and literally -- little conversation starters. All right, I better stop and talk to my husband about what about the parents about Emily's new independent school, what are they doing with each other? and all the rest. Tell me about putting in the questions at each chapter, and not even bullet points which I feel like other books do, but almost like reading book club questions as you go. Tell me about that.

 

Jennifer: I do want it to be a conversation starter and get people talking about money. I talk about private school auctions and private jets. I talk about the luxuries money can buy. I also really take a look at the human aspects and the emotions that arise. Even though the specifics might be different for people, I think people can relate to my stories. I'm hoping that they can understand their own in a new way. Those questions really are prompts to get people to -- like you reading it with your husband or giving it to your parents or giving it to your sibling or giving it to a good friend. Then it becomes the catalyst for conversation. It makes it easier to start those conversations. I'd love for people to use those questions not only to think about for themselves, but to share and start these many conversations that are so needed, start them happening. I think my book is the ideal book club book. It's not easy. I always tell people, this is really, really uncomfortable. I'm sort of inviting people to get uncomfortable. In a book club, for example, it could be like, let's acknowledge, let's give each other permission to fumble around, to get it wrong, to get messy. That's what we're going to be doing together. If you can create that safe space, it really can bring people closer. I think on the other side of those fears is a real connection, a sense of relief, and then a chance to really learn from each other and collaborate.

 

Zibby: I have to put you in touch with -- have you heard of Emmanuel Acho? He started something called Uncomfortable Conversations with a Black Man. He's doing all of that about race. Now he has a book coming out, I think this week, that Oprah is helping publish. He's a big deal. He's only twenty-nine.

 

Jennifer: Wow.

 

Zibby: I know. I know. I know. Let's put that annoying fact aside. He literally was saying the same thing. You need to feel a little uncomfortable. You have to have a conversation that gets you out of your comfort zone. That's how we make change. You're doing it about wealth. He's doing it about race. Now we need somebody about uncomfortable gender conversations. I can do a whole panel. [laughs]

 

David: That's a great idea. There's not a lot of examples of people growing without a little discomfort at some point. There just aren't. That's what Jen's really trying to do, is push you into that zone. Then hopefully on the other side, there's a better connection.

 

Zibby: It's like working out. It doesn't feel good, necessarily, but afterwards, you feel -- I mean, sometimes, as I hobble around today. Sometimes you feel better. What do the two of you think about how much anti-wealth sentiment there is in the United States right now? I feel like being wealthy is the worst thing you could possibly be. So many, even, politicians and everybody want to take wealth away and redistribute it. What is your view on all that?

 

Jennifer: I do think it's a huge problem. I think maybe it's the biggest problem our country is facing, this disparity. There's a lot of resentment. I don't think the resentment helps anyone. It doesn't help those who feel it or the people on the other side. When there's a huge and influential segment of the population that isn't talking to each other and who feels attacked by this and isolated, it's not making them empathetic or generous. We need to start closing this gap. Our silence, it has a lot of power. It helps keeps the status quo in place. I'm hoping to get conversations going that can shake things up, help us recognize our own privilege in a new way, help us feel more accountable through conversation, help us collaborate. We have the power to do amazing things and help bring this country together. It's what we need right now, to be united. To shy away from the resentment and the huge disparity I think is not a service to anyone. People are going without housing, without healthcare, without food. There's an education crisis. This is the moment that we need to face this. If we're just going to turn our back or pretend it doesn't exist or accept it, that's not okay with me.

 

David: Just to add super quickly, just like growth doesn't come without some vulnerability and awkwardness, I don't think change comes through shame. It doesn't work. That's not helpful as a country. It just doesn't work.

 

Zibby: What do you think about the fact that so many of the people -- I shouldn't say so many. See, I'm having an uncomfortable conversation in my own head. What do you think about the fact that -- if given the choice and you said, do you want a million dollars? most people would be like, sure, hand it over. They're talking on one side about how it shouldn't be that way, but if they were to have that happen to them, they would gratefully accept it, perhaps. Not to get too political, but obviously, there are societal issues. Whose job is it to redistribute that wealth? Is it the individual, or is it from the government? I don't know. What do you think?

 

Jennifer: I think philanthropy's wonderful. I think we should all be filling that responsibility, but it's a drop in the bucket compared to what needs to happen. It needs to happen at a governmental level, policy level. We need healthcare for all. We need to ensure that there's a strong social safety net for people. I don't want to live in a society where people are living on the street. That’s a disaster to me. We need a huge structural change. I'm very thankful for our new leaders.

 

Zibby: Me too. I'm very excited. I'll air this later, but we're talking now right after this historic, exciting weekend. I feel like I've been bouncing around my house or something. Just so much optimism right now, so much excitement. I'm so ready for it, which is great. Wait, there was something I wanted to ask about wealth. Oh, I wanted to know how you're handling your daughters at this point. In order to not spoil them, today, what is your approach to parenting without spoiling? What are the rules?

 

Jennifer: The groundwork's already been laid. I think it happens early. I don't think it's a conversation. It's living your values day to day, week to week. They're watching you. Kids see how you interact with other people. They see how you make decisions, what you prioritize. Even just thinking about going into the grocery store with your kids, what do you do when someone cuts you off and takes the parking spot? How do you react? Are you deserving of that parking spot? Do you accept, maybe they're in a rush, let's find another one, it's okay? Going into the grocery store, it's an opportunity to show your values. Are you choosing things because of the value they have or the price? How do you make decisions? How do you make choices? That's an opportunity for teaching your kids too. When you go to the meat counter, how do you interact with the man on the other side? Are you gracious? Are you thankful? Same with checking out. All these small details add up. I think that's what kids really -- how they learn is through watching us. It's about not only values, but our attitude. A sense of gratitude is really important. Even if you're traveling to amazing places, if you don't take things for granted, if you show appreciation, all these things are important. You need to walk the walk, and your kids will learn from that.

 

Zibby: How about entrepreneurial ways versus not? Are you trying to imbue that as something that's -- maybe just by modeling your kids absorb this. Being a Silicon Valley family, perhaps it just goes without saying. What do you think about entrepreneurship in the family?

 

Jennifer: I want both of our daughters to find themselves and follow their own path and figure out what's right for them. We're modeling what's right for each of us and as a couple. Now they're in their early twenties. This is their moment to find their own path and find their own passions and find out where they can make their impact and difference in the world. I want to support them to be their best selves.

 

Zibby: Just putting my own two cents into your parenting, I think that even though they're in their twenties, there's still a lot of parenting left in terms of --

 

Jennifer: -- Oh, yeah.

 

David: There is.

 

Zibby: Especially in terms of the financial side of life. I think back to my twenties. I feel like my parents were like, okay, she's good. She knows. We can't spoil her. She's off on her own. Now that I'm in my forties, I'm ready to go. [laughs] I don't think I was in my twenties, necessarily.

 

Jennifer: No. I realize this more and more. Especially, this is where the wealth gets layered on. I'm reading a really wonderful book by James Grubman called Strangers in Paradise. It really talks about the stereotypes of wealth and the attitudes that we both brought to wealth, which is middle-class attitudes. Those served us well, but now we have to think about how to use our wealth in society and with our kids. It's more inclusive. It's more interdependent. It's starting those conversations. We have started to have family conversations and talk about our values and our mission as a family who has this incredible resource. How do we make sure we harness that for good in the world and that our children buy into the philosophy that we're doing this as a family? That is a piece that, it's in process right now. It's a big question, and a big question for anyone who's come into more money than they had growing up. The big worry, of course, is initially, am I going to spoil my kids? Are they going to be entitled? Are they going to be ambitious and motivated? I feel like we've checked that box, but then there's this whole new, how are they going to be as people, as stewards of wealth in the world?

 

David: Sometimes it's just better to be lucky than smart. The fact that we started Worldreader ten years ago -- at that point, they were in fourth and sixth grade or fifth and seventh grade. They were young at the time. I think that's right. They’ve had ten years to watch how to steward not just the wealth side, but how you spend your life side of things. Sometimes people ask me about philanthropy and rolling up your sleeves and starting a nonprofit. My basic advice is, do it, and do it earlier than you think you should. Just get into it. First of all, it takes some time to get halfway good at it. Here we are ten years later, and it still feels like a work-in-process, for me at least. Also, it gives your kids and your whole family a way to experience it over a long period of time. As Jen was saying, it's not just about that. People want to diminish these sorts of things as a one -- what does the talk look like with your kids about money? It's not like that. It's years of experience and watching and absorbing. I agree. Our older daughter, actually, was just up here for dinner a couple days ago. She actually brought up wealth herself and the relationship that she has with her boyfriend and so forth. She's twenty-three, so it's still happening.

 

Zibby: That's a whole nother thing. That's another podcast. [laughs] What advice would you both have both to aspiring authors having written this book -- I'm sorry we didn't talk a lot about your process. I'm interested in all that. Next podcast. Advice to aspiring authors and then advice to people who really want to use their wealth for good, both.

 

Jennifer: Aspiring authors, have a lot of tenacity. Keep going. I really enjoyed the process of writing. I found it fascinating as a puzzle. How was I going to piece all these pieces together? How was I going to talk about money in a way that wasn't off-putting or offensive? I had those pieces to wrestle with. I have been rejected so many times. Believing in yourself, believing in the process, and just keep going. You can do it.

 

David: That's good advice. [laughs]

 

Jennifer: It took me many, many years, so I'm very happy to have it out in the world.

 

David: On the putting money to work for good, I would say it really starts with looking in the mirror and thinking to yourself, what do I really care about? It's so easy to get confused. People ask you, if you have money -- even if you don't have money, people ask you for things all the time. You have to remember that's a difference sometimes between what they want and what you want. If it comes to doing this sort of work -- Worldreader now, as I say, we're ten years old. We've reached fifteen million kids. We're using technology and local books all around the world. Actually, today -- this is fun. I know the podcast will air in the future. Today, Monday, November 9th, is the day we're announcing that after ten years, we're finally bringing our program to the United States to help vulnerable communities here in the United States. That's going to have huge ripple effects on the organization. It's hard work. It's hard. Running a nonprofit is not easy, and doing good in the world, whatever that looks like for you. These are big problems, the problem of literacy, the problem with the environment, the problem with, pick your favorite. You better care about it a lot. If you don't care about it a lot, you'll give up too fast. If you give up too fast, you'll get nothing done.

 

Zibby: That is true. Nobody ever won the race they didn't go on, or whatever that expression is. Thank you both so much. I really appreciated hearing your story from the proposal at dinner to now. Thanks for letting the rest of the world in on your lives and trying to help others in the many ways you do. If people want to support Worldreader, David, how would they do that?

 

David: They go to worldreader.O-R-G, worldreader.org, on your phone or on your computer. Come on in and take a look at what we're doing. We'd love to have all the support we can get. It's the only way we're able to do our work.

 

Zibby: Amazing. Great. Thank you so much.

 

Jennifer: Thank you, Zibby. Really enjoyed it.

 

David: Thank you, Zibby. Super fun.

 

Zibby: I'll send all the lottery winners your way. You should just put it in the convenience stores. If you win, here's the book.

 

David: It's the ticket. [laughs]

 

Zibby: Just a thought, marketing opportunity. Bye.

 

David: Thanks, Zibby. That was a lot of fun.

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Michelle Buteau, SURVIVAL OF THE THICKEST

Zibby Owens: Welcome, Michelle. Thank you so much for coming on "Moms Don't Have Time to Read Books" to discuss Survival of the Thickest. I'm so excited to be talking to you.

 

Michelle Buteau: I'm excited to be talked to.

 

Zibby: [laughs] Oh, my gosh. For people who aren't familiar with your work, could you give us a little background on why you wrote this book and what it's essentially about?

 

Michelle: What a loaded question. I've been doing stand-up damn near twenty years. I know I age really well. I've sort of made the jump into acting and hosting and TV and film and all this really fun stuff, but my true love is stand-up. I've been doing a lot of podcasts and storytelling shows. I realized, wow, there's other things I could share with people besides these funny, ha-ha, sassy-girl moments. Especially after going through a five-year battle of IVF to try and have children, it was really hard being the happy clown with big titties and freckles. As I quietly was going through these really painful experiences, I was also out and about probably working the most I've ever worked. Now that I feel like I am healed and on the other side of the mountain, I can look back at my experiences and my pain and my grief and properly write about it and share it because I'm realizing it's not about me. It's not about, how long can I talk about myself? I'm not some reality show. No shade to reality show hoes, lol.

 

I feel like the more I share, the more people feel less alone or just simply educated. There's a lot of, that would never happen to me, and then it does. I was like, wow, what would happen if I actually wrote a book? And so I did. It was wild. I never want to read or write a book again. It is so much work. I just remember taking care of teething twins who were about ten months old, still had them in the same room, didn't separate them yet, didn't even realize that was a thing I could do. Then I would go to set to work on a movie called Marry Me with J Lo and just be in awe of Owen Wilson and Sarah Silverman and be like, this is crazy, and then go to my trailer and try to get an essay done. I'm just like, what is this life? Then go home and go to the store to pick up baby Tylenol and just keep it moving and write this book until I would fall asleep. Then I remember one night, I even realized I had shit stuck in my nail. I'm like, god, why does it smell? Checking under my shoes. It was so dumb. Anyway, I don't even remember the question, but thank you so much for having me. [laughs]

 

Zibby: It was great. I have twins, by the way, who are now thirteen. Yes, it's true.

 

Michelle: I can't wait.

 

Zibby: Well, pros and cons of every age. [laughs] I also did not realize that I should separate my twins. I kept them in the same room for a really long time. Once they were napping in beds, essentially, I was like, oh, okay, maybe I should split them up. One of these million things you learn as you go.

 

Michelle: Are they boy/girl? Who are they?

 

Zibby: They're boy/girl. They're thirteen. The boy was first by a couple minutes and lords that over her head constantly. In reading and seeing your Instagram, it's taking me back to the very beginning. It does get easier in some ways, a lot less physically demanding at least.

 

Michelle: I do feel like that I Love Lucy episode where I'm trying to keep all the chocolate on the conveyer belt. I'm just like, get the diapers! I want to say I'm looking forward to them talking, but from what I hear... [laughs]

 

Zibby: Talking is good. Walking is good. There's a lot of great things coming up. I feel like by the time you're here, it's more like psychological warfare that we have going on. Being a twin mom, people would be like, but my kids are really close in age, so I get it. I'm like, no, you don't. Sorry, it's different. [laughs] Just a little different.

 

Michelle: Puerto Rican twins, Irish twins, yes, yes, yes.

 

Zibby: Different.

 

Michelle: It's not the same.

 

Zibby: Anyway, go back to the IVF part and the pain and having to sort of mask the pain and keep on keeping on. This is something I find so fascinating. How do you keep all of that emotion inside and just come out of the trailer, as you were saying, or head to work when all of that stuff is brewing inside? Did you always talk to your colleagues about it? How did you process it? Did you write personal journals? How did you get through that period of time?

 

Michelle: That's a good question. Now that you are talking about it, maybe I should've journaled. Maybe I should've talked to more people. I felt I couldn't, though, because no one really knew what I was going through. They're like, what do you mean hormones? What do you mean shots? What do you mean? That doesn't sound right. They would get defensive. Why are you doing that? You know what you should do is just eat clean. Maybe lose weight. Maybe don't work as much. I felt sort of attacked and shamed from people that I love who just simply didn't know or understand. It felt like I was in a marathon of an emotional cardio wind tunnel where I'm just like, get the fuck through. Get the fuck through. You will be a mom. This will happen. Get through. After the first miscarriage, I was heartbroken. I'm like, let's go again. I realize that was normal for my other friends who are talking to me about their miscarriages. Then by the third one, you're like, okay, let's just wait a second. Let's take a beat and really figure out what's going on because it's something other than a nature takes care of itself type situation. I think because I was so busy and had such a huge to-do list workwise, I was able to compartmentalize all that was going on. I'm like, okay, I'm going to LA to pitch the show I just wrote. They're interested in it. Fly yourself out. Get a doctor's note. Get the needles. Get the this. Get the progesterone suppositories. It became my life and my to-do list.

 

Then I would cry over the weirdest things. Somebody would cut me off on the road or my Uber driver didn't feel comfortable with me putting my window down, and I would just cry. My husband would leave crumbs from his sandwich on the countertop. I'd be like, I want a divorce. I'm like, oh, or maybe it's the hormones. It was crazy. Then as I started working more, I started giving zero fucks. That's when I really started to book, when people are like, wow, she's so edgy. I'm just like, no, I'm broken, but I will definitely wear the statement lip. When I would improve a scene, it would be ridiculous. Then I would just start crying. I'd be saying the most dumb things but crying because I didn't know how to manage all that was going on. It really resonated with people. Even my First Wives Club audition which was over Skype because Tracy Oliver, the creator and producer, was in LA and I was in New York, she was like, "Look, your husband who you've known since college has cheated on you, finally. You are coming to terms with it now. You guys are going to therapy. You feel broken. You're trying to put yourself together every day for your two kids." I'm just like, oh, my god, that's all she needs to say. Then waterworks. She's like, "Phenomenal acting." I'm just like, I got to go to the bathroom. And so on and so forth. To be honest, I don't know how I managed. In life anyway, I'm day by day. Now with toddling twins during quarantine and still working, I'm hour by hour.

 

Zibby: Yes, that's all you can do. Go back to what you said about being edgy versus being broken. Tell me more about that. How do you know which one you are? What causes what? Tell me about them.

 

Michelle: Again, it's a case-by-case basis. Everyone has their opinion of you. You could walk in a room and feel ugly, but people see a confident person. You never know what you're giving off or what people see. People are like, whoa, I can't believe you said that. I'm like, yeah, because I don't care if you like me or not. I just don't care if you like me or not. I know that I'm actually better than this and this project and this material. It did help me in a way where I'm like, I just want to go home and cry right now, so let's get this shit over with. I was also so happy to have things to go to because that gave me a sense of normalcy. Life is still going on. If I didn't have anywhere to go, I don't even know what I would be like. It also gave me a sense of, damn, bitch, you can get stuff done, which is probably why I decided to write a book. So stupid, so stupid.

 

Zibby: A lot of the book, though, goes all the way back. You take us all through your life and being raised by your parents and all the little things that happened to make you, you. You go into that in a lot of depth. I don't want to mislead that the book is all about IVF or anything like that. You have a lot, also, about your body in this book and your relationship to your body and your family's relationship. There was this one passage I wanted to read with your dad. You said, "There was this one time when I was about fifteen and my father said to me, 'Stop eating pasta in front of your boyfriend. You should lose twenty pounds because then you'd be so beautiful.' I stopped right there. I told him off. I said, 'I'm beautiful no matter what, twenty pounds or not. If someone is going to love me, they are going to love me for me.' His look changed immediately, and he said, 'That's my girl.'" [laughs]

 

Michelle: Ugh. Isn't there a better way? Do we have to be GI Jane right now at the dinner table, Dad? It's too much.

 

Zibby: Oh, my gosh. You're very open about your relationship with your body. Tell me how you feel about it now, especially after having twins.

 

Michelle: I didn't have twins. I had a surrogate. For me, I was like, how am I going to feel taking care of these babies if I didn't carry them? That lasted for like five minutes because I'm like, oh, no, they are mine. I am theirs. She is a part of our village and extended family, chosen family, which is amazing.

 

Zibby: I'm so sorry. I totally knew that. I remember reading all that. I don't know why I said that. I apologize, but I did know that. Keep going.

 

Michelle: No, that's okay. I still feel like a warrior princess because I went through five years of fucking crazy rigid hormone taking, spreading your legs three times a week to get tested, blood three times -- I feel like I've done it all. To get back to what you were saying, I did gain weight during IVF. I was so used to it by then, fluctuating, because I have been since I was eleven that I'm like, it is what it is. I'll do what I can. I didn't get that overnight. I developed quite quickly. I talk about wanting a banana seat bike for my twelfth birthday, and I ended up with woman-size tits. To get unwanted attention from older men is gross. To be shamed by older women is also really disgusting. I feel like we have to help kids shape who they are in a positive way. Our bodies are all different. There isn't one way to look or be. That's okay. Also, how to speak up for themselves. Yes, definitely respect your elders. Say please and thank you, but you don't have to take people's criticism. That's wild. I think that was the hardest part, actually, writing the book, was trying not to make it sound like I was mad at my parents because there was a lot of shame from them to not stick out my chest. I'm like, I'm standing up straight. You told me to stand up straight my whole life. Why are you wearing that? I'm still wearing the same thing I've always worn. It's just, this is how my body is. By the way, everyone in my family looks like this. Why all of a sudden is it a thing? For me, it definitely is survival of the thickest in terms of having a thick body, but also not shaming people for who they are or what they want in life. That is, I hope, a takeaway, whether it's wanting to be with multiple partners to figure out -- like they're Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride, how they like their eggs.

 

Zibby: I refer to that scene all the time.

 

Michelle: Thank you!

 

Zibby: All the time. I'm so glad you said that. I think about that all the time. I mention it to people. Yes, so true.

 

Michelle: Thank you. Nobody ever understands.

 

Zibby: What? No. It's one of my favorite scenes.

 

Michelle: Thank you. Where are they now, her and -- is it Richard? What's his name again, with the gray hair?

 

Zibby: Yeah. Richard Gere? No.

 

Michelle: Oh, my god, I was going to say Richard Marx. That's where my brain is at. It is Richard Gere. They should get together and do something else. They're going to be cool grandparents.

 

Zibby: Yeah, the grandparents. They’ll be the new Diane Keaton and [indiscernible/laughter].

 

Michelle: Exactly, without the white, ripped turtlenecks, but yes.

 

Zibby: I do think, though, that girls developing early is something that not enough is said about. Not that I should be revealing this, but I was definitely wearing a bra by the time I was ten. I've never felt comfortable in that regard ever since. My mom took me to buy a bra. I hid between all the robes in the store. I was like, I don't want anyone to see me. With you too, age twelve, you're not necessarily ready for that. How do you then deal with your body the rest of your life when something -- it's almost as if there's this something that's out of your control from the minute you get going, and you're struggling to catch up after ever since.

 

Michelle: Yeah. Not only are you struggling to catch up, but you also want to fit in because you're at that age where you don't want to be different. Then you become a teenager, young adult. Everyone has a different relationship with sexuality. Because we were religious, it was just shame on shame on shame. I knew deep down inside that I wanted to be this happy, vivacious, sassy, let's see what it looks like naked person, but those people sounded like mean and bad people. Then when I finally moved away and had sex, I was like, no, this is great. This is amazing. There's nothing wrong with that at all. In fact, it was a great lesson in speaking up for what I wanted, whether it was dating somebody casual or we were serious or whatever it was. There's no classes in school that will tell you how to speak up for yourself, at least when I was going to school. I don't know about now. There's a class for everything. I think it's a wonderful lesson. In comedy, they always tell you to learn from the good and the bad. Learn from when someone's killing on stage and when someone's just dying, which is very violent now that I'm saying that out loud. I feel like the same could be said from your childhood experiences.

 

Zibby: Do you feel like, when you were writing the book, that it always had to be funny? As a comedian, do you feel like, I better make this section funny, or how do I turn this piece -- a lot of it was very funny, but there was pain beneath some of the humor. How did you [indiscernible/crosstalk] in terms of tone?

 

Michelle: I couldn't answer that. I was just truly, these are the stories I want to share, get it done on paper. It's easier to do a show or host a dinner party or a storytelling show and just talk it out. To put it in print, I'm all over the place, as I am on stage. I'm just like, what's the beginning, middle, and end? I never thought about being funny because I feel like that's there no matter what. Even the way I describe something, everyone's like, who the fuck? I was like, me. That's how I describe it. Emotional cardio's the only cardio I'll be doing. Everyone's like, who says that? Me, bitch. I already knew it'd be funny, but I also knew that I want to share these more painful, more sincere moments. I was just like, get it done. That's been a big thing for me. It doesn't have to be perfect, but it's just got to get done.

 

Zibby: Why did you say that this is the worst thing you've ever done and that you would never want to write [indiscernible/crosstalk]?

 

Michelle: The hours, the sheer hours, that it takes to write something is crazy. For me at least, I have every hour booked in my life, in my day. I even have an hour to relax, if I do. I will say, I'm going to go in this dark room. It's usually my closet. Let me do my thing. It was just an added thing that I had to put in the schedule of already crazy. Then also, be vulnerable in a way that I never had before. What if I just made an album, a singing album, and I'm like, okay, Christina Aguilera, listen to this? I'm not a writer. I've written. TV and punch-ups is so much different than an author. I can't even say author. Then the edits where you have to go back and read it. Then the notes where someone had read it, it's so crazy. It does feel like you are fully frontally naked and getting a pap smear in Times Square.

 

Zibby: Wow, that would not be on my list of things to do. I can see why you wouldn't want to do it again. I know how busy you must be because we scheduled this at ten fifteen. I'm like, that is a really busy person who's scheduling things on the quarter hour. [laughs]

 

Michelle: I'm in England right now.

 

Zibby: Oh, my goodness.

 

Michelle: I'm in Manchester. Off the record -- is that how you say it?

 

Zibby: Sure.

 

Michelle: Filming The Circle, which is the show I host on Netflix. It films in England. I managed to bring the kids and our nanny with us because I'm here for six weeks. Well, two more weeks. Four weeks down. Can't wait to go home.

 

Zibby: At least you got to travel. I feel like there's been no travel allowed for so long. Anyway, what is coming next? You're always doing a million things. Now you've got this book launch on top of everything. What is your next year? Do you have any idea? What's it looking like for you?

 

Michelle: What's next? I feel like something is next, but I don't remember. I'm also, for once in a long time, not living in the, what's next? What's next? I'm just like, this is dope. Let's just enjoy this. I'm not hooked up to a ventilator. I've just dropped some really important black joy content that I've worked really hard to put together. Sucks that there's a quarantine, but also amazing that people are enjoying it within a pandemic and a race revolution. Fuckin' bananas. For me, I really enjoy acting and hosting and all of the above. I really also enjoying being the bridesmaid, but I can't wait to be the bride.

 

Zibby: Amazing. What advice would you have to aspiring authors? Don't say, don't write the book. It has to be a little more positive than that.

 

Michelle: Oh, my goodness. I said it already. Don't worry about it being perfect. It doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to be done. You can always go back and edit. That, and also, don't do whatever you think people want to hear. That's whack. Do what you are passionate about. That could be anything. It could be knitting or snails or beaches or whatever time in your life or just a collection of essays and short stories. No one is Stephen King out the damn gate.

 

Zibby: Very true.

 

Michelle: Start somewhere. That was more than one piece of advice, but here we are.

 

Zibby: People need all the advice they can get. I think that's awesome. Thank you. Thank you for talking about your book. It was so good and so funny and a really refreshing style. You just tell it like it is.

 

Michelle: I know. I'm trying to go through the essays and figure out what I want to do as a promo video. If your relationship stinks like fish, it's probably extra pussy; that's something I wrote. I'm someone's mom. I'm a good person. Nice to meet you.

 

Zibby: [laughs] Nice to meet you. Best of luck with the launch and everything else. It was so nice to share some time with you today.

 

Michelle: Likewise. Bye.

 

Zibby: Bye.

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Tod Jacobs and Peter Lynn, NOT A PARTNERSHIP

Zibby Owens: Welcome, Tod and Peter, to "Moms Don't Have Time to Read Books." Thanks for coming on my show.

 

Tod Jacobs: Thank you so much for having us.

 

Peter Lynn: Thank you so much.

 

Zibby: Thank you also for your contribution to married couples everywhere with your book, Not A Partnership: Why We Keep Getting Marriage Wrong & How We Can Get It Right. Tell me about how the two of you teamed up to write this book to help everyone else.

 

Tod: Maybe I'll jump in here. Peter and I had been working together, teaching, counseling at an institute in Jerusalem that I cofounded back in 2005. It was not our intention when we opened up this institute to primarily deal with issues of marriage and relationships. What the institute really is based in is best and brightest young men in their, let's call it the twenties and thirties primarily, average age around there, close to thirty -- these are guys who want to take about a year off minimum, two years maximum. They want to come and they want to delve into classical Jewish text, philosophy, Jewish law, Hebrew language, character building, leadership training, ethics, things like that. One of the things we found over the years was that these guys were amazingly well-prepared for pretty much everything in life. They had, many times, Ivy League backgrounds. They had incredible academic backgrounds, incredible professional backgrounds in a whole host of professions. Yet there was kind of a common theme. Everybody seemed woefully unprepared for something that they all claimed was the most important thing that they were looking forward to. That was their married life someday. Yet they didn't really have a clue how to do that successfully. I think that's a common theme that we see in our society almost no matter how well-educated you are and what kind of professional background you have.

 

Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. Then of the other fifty percent that remain married, how many of them are really sparkling, perfect role modeled kind of marriages for people to grow up and say, aha, that's what a great marriage looks like? People are marrying later. It's a bit of a mess for many, many people. We just started delving into a combination of things. One was, Peter has an incredible background in positive psychology. I started delving into a lot of the classic mystical works and later what's called works of character building that are classic Jewish ways of preparing people for marriage, young men, young women. We found that pulling those two things together, we started doing marriage education. After doing that for a decade and a half, we looked back and we saw, wow, the couples that were formed out of the training that we were involved with have a divorce rate that is one tenth of the national average, which means some people get divorced. Still, it's a five percent divorce rate instead of a fifty percent rate. We thought, this is maybe something that we should be sharing more broadly. That was really the decision to think about doing a book, which we subsequently did.

 

Zibby: Did the people who came to the counseling opt in? Is it a representative sample, or is it people who are particularly already invested in making their marriage work?

 

Tod: This is mostly an opt-in group. In other words, ninety-five percent of the students who come to us are unmarried when they come, again, whether they're in their twenties or in their thirties. Very few of them are already married or have been married. It's almost like a clean piece of paper, a clean piece of parchment to start writing some of the foundational ideas of marriage on. Obviously, they have to unlearn lots and lots and lots of bad paradigms we all grow up with and got used to, whether it's from Hollywood movies or social media or all the kind of influences that have an influence on the way we think about relationships. We just found that, A, they got more interested in having a real relationship as they became less fearful of it. B, we found that by having some level of preparation for what a great relationship looks like and what the role of a spouse is, we found that people were way more ready for it and then when issues came up, much more prepared to deal with the issues as well. By the way, we've been kind of holding the hands of those who invited us to remain part of the counseling in their relationships as time went on. We've seen the ideas not only play out in terms of preparing for marriage, we've also seen them play out in fixing problems that have come up and dealing with problems that have been difficult in the early years or even, in some cases, the middle years of marriage by this point.

 

Zibby: About how many people do you think you've counseled in person at this point?

 

Tod: Probably upwards of a hundred and fifty, something like that, different couples.

 

Zibby: That's great. Amazing. The part that spoke to me right away that I just loved -- you give so much advice, obviously, in the book. You were talking about how in order to invest in a marriage, you have to give more and how people have the wrong framework to think about marriage and how the way you love a dog, the more you take care of something, the more you love it, or him or her or whatever. You said, "There was a great rabbi who pointed out that people have the concept of love exactly backwards. We go through with the assumption that if someone will do for me, will care for me, will give to me properly, then of course, I will love them in response. But the truth of the matter is that it's exactly the opposite. We love where we give. Why do parents love kids more than kids love parents? Because they give more." You keep going. You say, this is the rabbi, "You have to flip the whole paradigm and start giving and giving and giving to her, and then you'll love her. Then you'll have a real marriage." Actually, you had said this to a group. Someone responds by saying, "Whoa." [laughter] This is a highly educated group. You were on a roadshow, right? You were in finance before.

 

Tod: Yeah, we were on a roadshow. It was three or four of us from JP Morgan -- my background was as a Wall Street analyst -- and a few senior consultants from McKinsey & Company. Again, high-powered, highly educated group of people. I think everybody on the plane was married at some stage. The oldest person on the plane was probably in his late fifties. It went down to this young guy who I was talking to in that story. The beginning of the story was, we're thirty thousand feet in this private jet and this young analyst starts complaining about his wife. She's just not doing it for him anymore like she used to. She doesn't take care of him. She's not as kind to him. She's not as sweet to him. He's falling out of love with her. He's just kind of tired of it. That's when I told him, "You got to flip your paradigm. This rabbi taught us that you love where you give. If you want to start loving your wife, instead of waiting for her to give to you so that you'll love her in return, try giving to her. See what happens." The beautiful ending of the story was that two months later, he comes up to me in the office. He says, "You won't believe it. I'm madly in love with my wife again. I've fallen in love with her again because I decided I had nothing to lose by taking your advice. I started giving and giving and doing things for her and buying her things and taking care of her and taking her out," and whatever it was. He said, "Suddenly, I find that I'm totally in love with her again." We've seen this play out just countless times. You want to love, start giving.

 

Zibby: Wow. It seems so simple and so obvious. Yet it's just not how any of us think about it. How crazy that you can literally turn love back on in a snap just by shifting something? I feel like love is so elusive. I had it, but now it's gone. I fell out of love. It seems like it's such a whimsical thing. In fact, it can be very intentional.

 

Peter: That's one of the things to add to that. We speak about it so often in the book. Great marriages are built. When people make proactive efforts to build their marriage, and especially via this -- we always say the book speaks about the ultimate PDF manual of how to make your marriage function at full capacity. That's basically one word, which is giving. When people proactively engage in their marriage by giving, it's unbelievable to see. What's fascinating is that the person who benefits the most is the person who's doing the giving, just all of the great feelings that it brings. You see this. In my background in the field of positive psychology, there's a whole world called positive interventions. Meaning, what can you do in order to bring more positivity to your life? Tell me some practical things. According to the research, the fastest and quickest intervention for you to get out of your bad state of being, whatever that is, you're having a bad day, a rough week, the fastest thing you can do is start giving to someone. You'll see the quickest result as far as the change in your mood. It's really quite amazing to see. You see it across the board.

 

Zibby: Although, I would say, I'm thinking of moms in particular who might argue with this and who give so much that they almost have nothing left. You can overdo it, right? I feel like if you're always caring for other people and never even so much as taking care of yourself, that's also not good.

 

Peter: Listen, when people don't take care of themselves, then a lot of times the giving comes from an unhealthy place. Of course, there's a healthy degree of, this is giving in a normal capacity. This is giving in a healthy manner. We've all seen it manifest in unhealthy ways. You're right. When it happens in an unhealthy way, when people don't take care of themselves, then the whole system falls apart very fast.

 

Zibby: What else do I need to know? Now I've decided I want to quickly change my mood. I'm going to start giving immediately, perhaps in a new way or to people I don't normally give to or to find fulfillment in my own happiness. I'm just pretending, theoretical me. Obviously, I already do everything perfectly. [laughter] Now I can turn around and give back to my husband. What else do I need to know a hundred percent that you have found is the undiscovered gold of marital happiness?

 

Tod: The way we constructed the book, the book has big-picture paradigms, conceptual frameworks that we feel are critical to having a healthy marriage and to thinking about it properly. Then the second half of the book is all practical implementation of, how do you get there? We think that if you really boiled down the big picture of concepts, they boil down to three paradigms. One of them we just spoke about, which is that you love where you give. A second is to, and maybe it's really the first, is to get a definition that's a little deeper than we normally think of in terms of what marriage is. When we started looking at the book, we said, how should we define marriage? You can define it legally. You can define it the way Webster's defines it. You can go on HuffPost and see what they call marriage. Really, what we found was that there's a much, much deeper picture you can start out with. Then you begin in accordance with it. The picture as we've defined it is that marriage is two people coming together completely committed to acting in the capacity as a spouse that my beloved needs me to act in and committing that through thick and thin I will help try to give that person the life that they want and deserve. Obviously, an unhealthy version of that would be a little bit what you were describing a moment ago which is that if somebody is the one-way giver and the other side is dysfunctional, doesn't notice it, has no gratitude, it can be very, very problematic.

 

If two people walk into a marriage not with the idea of, what can I get out of this? but, what can I put into this to build that person? then what happens is that two people can really build something much, much bigger than the two of them, not lose themselves in that process, but really find themselves in that process and become bigger in that process by building the other. It's almost a cosmically unbelievable dynamic that two people can build something so special. It is focused on the other. As Peter pointed out, the biggest beneficiary, ironically, winds up being you yourself. It's not that you kind of manipulate and it's a calculated thing. I really want a great life, so I'm going to try and give to this person so I really become -- no, it really is focused on the other, but it turns out that the consequence of that is that you yourself wind up becoming bigger. The bigger you become and the bigger you see yourself and the more you're able to give and the less selfish you are, a person can really have an incredibly happy experience. Paradigm one is, define marriage as a vehicle for giving and for building the other person and for building something much bigger than the two of us.

 

Zibby: Sorry, just to jump in. That implies you're both able to do that and that you both want to give to the other person and that you possess those traits and skills. I know you mentioned this. Obviously, it can become very problematic. You have abusive spouses. You have people who cheat on their spouses or narcissists or all sorts of people who are not upholding their end. Then it doesn't matter how much the other person wants to put in. You can't do anything about it. Then it's almost a lost cause. It's almost like it starts before all of this. You have to choose someone who is on the same page with you about the giving itself. It almost starts before the practice. It starts in the choice, essentially, right?

 

Peter: That's what we speak about so much. Like Tod was describing, we find that especially the students we were dealing with and many places we've lectured at is that we find that people spend so much time preparing for so many things in their life, especially their professional lives, getting ready for it, and this degree and that degree and you name it. Then we saw as people are walking into the most important thing in their life -- you ask them, what's their number-one priority? They're going to say their marriage. They were totally unprepared. What we feel is so important is if people have these ideas clear before they go into a marriage, they're going to make a much healthier choice. Now, let's be very clear. Things do come up. People have psychological issues that come up. These things need to be dealt with, a hundred percent. Imagine if you have two people who get married and they're on the same page as far as what they're getting themselves into. That's already so far ahead of the game, which can really be a game changer especially as things could become rocky later on.

 

Zibby: What if people really change? That's another thing. You can feel like that and say that at the beginning. Yet as life progresses and things happen, someone kind of deviates from the emotional contract, if you will.

 

Tod: You're a hundred percent right. Look, there's many stages at which we think this information, this education can be helpful. Obviously, in a perfect world, we educate our children, our students to be ready for marriage. By the way, most people that stand and face each other to take those vows or whatever marital ceremony that they're going to have, whatever that looks like, generally speaking, if you asked those two people, what's on your mind right now? they will tell you, I just want to make the other one happy. When people enter into that relationship, what we're talking about is top of mind. The problem is they don't realize that a lot of things are going to happen in the early stage of the marriage. First of all, the freshness is going to wear off. There's a natural explosive energy in the beginning of a relationship which people think, mistakenly, is what's called love. As soon as that begins to fade -- by the way, that's not called love. That's a free gift called inspiration getting me involved with this person, helping me see the greatness of this person and downplay some of the -- nobody's perfect. We need some way of seeing something in a person that just really draws us to who that person is.

 

When that fades, what you're left with is a choice. Am I going to now decide that I am committed to rebuilding and getting back through a process of work and toil and sweat and energy? By the way, which is pleasurable if you do it correctly. That shouldn't sound so negative. I know it does, but it shouldn't. That thing that you got for free in the beginning, you can actually earn through the process of building your marriage over a period of time. Really, the ultimate goal is that the two of you are as in love but in a much more meaningful way that you've earned as you were in that beginning stage. Part one is, let's hope that you think about this before you get married so that you can face this. Probably, lots of your listeners, and certainly lots of our readers, are people who are now in a marriage. As you're describing, financial problems came up. A health problem came up. This issue came up. Things like infidelity, by the way, that's very, very hard to put back trust into a relationship. That's a little bit outside of -- that often needs professional help. Many times, that's going to wind up being in a broken marriage. There are also dysfunctional people, no question about it. There are people who absolutely cannot function in a marriage because of their narcissism, selfishness, dysfunctionality, etc., but that's not the vast majority of people. It doesn't need to be.

 

What we found is, somebody may be married, and the marriage is not so fresh. It's not going so well. They're getting a little tired of each other. This one's kind of ignoring and in their own space. This one's kind of ignoring and in their own space. The old habits begin to resurface about being kind of a selfish person like they were before they got married. What we have found is by refocusing on the idea of giving and making it fresh and beginning to build respect again -- I'll give you a classic example. When two people meet and they're going out, they do everything possible to impress each other. When I was dating my wife-to-be, when you were dating your spouse-to-be, how did we dress? How did we speak? How did we smell? How did we look? How did our hair look? How courteous were we? You say to somebody, now try to build that snapshot in your mind of what you were like when you were dating. Now take a little snapshot of yourself on the average evening at home.

 

Zibby: Ugh. [laughs]

 

Tod: That's a cringeworthy moment for most of us. That's an embarrassment because if you think about it, why am I not still doing that for the most important person in my world? By the way, when I go to work, I don't look like that. When I go to work, I don't sound like that. When I go to work, I'm wearing nice clothing. I'm made up. I look good. I smell good.

 

Zibby: Now you're making me feel bad. [laughs] When am I supposed to wear my sweatpants? No, I'm kidding.

 

Tod: But you can wear your sweatpants. That's fine. You're not meant to be formal at home. I say you. We. We are meant to remember that the person across the table, across the room, in the other room is the person that is the most important person in my entire universe. That's the person who deserves the best I've got. That's the person who deserves the most respect from me. Unfortunately, what we do is we let our guard down because we want someplace we can be ourselves, so to speak. We've talked to couples about this. The pushback is usually, hey, come on, I was acting when I was going out. I got to be myself when I'm at home. The response to that is, no, sometimes you need to act at home as well. The classic example there is when you come home and you're in a rotten mood and your three-year-old runs up to you and says, Mommy, Daddy, come sit with me on the floor. I want to show you my fingerpaintings. I have four hundred fingerpaintings. I want you to see every single one of them. You're tired. You're in a horrible mood. Your boss yelled at you. You lost a deal and whatever it is. Aren't you going to act? Aren't you going to put on a huge smile and say, nothing I'd love to do more than sit down with you on the floor right now for the next hour and look at bad fingerpaintings? It's all that. Now, it's acting, but it's not acting in a negative way. It's becoming really what I want to become if I have control over myself. I want to be a good father. You want to be a good mother. We want to be good spouses. It's just really rising to the occasion and not letting our lower self drag us down in ways that affect others in very, very negative ways which they don't deserve.

 

Zibby: Wow. This is amazing. First of all, you need to give this to every rabbi. I don't know if you already do this. I don't know what your marketing plan is or was or whatever. Any rabbi who's marrying people should be giving this to their congregants, at least. I have a bunch of cousins who are about to get married. Now I'm like, oh, perfect. Obviously, I can give this to married friends, but that's a little bit insulting. [laughter] You guys need some help. Here's a book. As a gift, this should be the go-to gift, and not just for Jewish people at all. I happen to be Jewish. This is just lessons culled from Judaism that apply to any relationship. It should really be for anybody.

 

Tod: We tried to make it universal. You don't have to be religious. You don't have to be spiritual. You just have to want a real relationship for this material to speak to you. That's certainly what we believe.

 

Zibby: It's common sense. You're not hawking anything totally out there. This all makes perfect sense, as you laid out so nicely and neatly in the book interspersed with lots of personal stories and work. It's something that everybody really needs to hear. Do you do personal sessions? I feel like I want to have the two of you talk to all these people I love before they get married. You should take couples. You should charge a fortune and have a bunch of people come and get the download. Marital insurance, you could call it.

 

Peter: [laughs] Right. You should know also -- I just wanted to push back a little bit. What we do find is that people who are married -- you're married ten years. You're married fifteen years, even more than that. I find that if you take a couple, we tend to think, this is the way it's going to be. This is what it is. What we have found is that when you take couples who have been married for a period of time and they make the switch to, hey, let's put some work into this, let's try and change the patterns a bit, you can take an okay marriage or even a good marriage and with a little bit of effort and some marriage education, it's awesome what can happen. You can now take a couple that's been married who are in their forties and their fifties and their sixties, and they find that spark again. It's funny. For me, I'm almost more excited about reaching out to those couples than I am about the ones before they get married. I agree with you. Before they get married is crucial. So many couples out there, in some way, give up when they’ve gotten to a certain place in their marriage. They have a certain amount of kids. They say, okay, this is what it is. The answer is, it doesn't have to be that way. With a little bit of effort and some tools out there -- we do not lack access to tools. There are ten trillion social media platforms that are discussing marriage and relationships. There's so much out there. With just making a small amount of effort to say, let's change things up a little bit, let's learn some new things, it can take a marriage which could really use a bit of freshness, it can take it to that next level. It's really amazing what can happen.

 

Zibby: Wait, I think I cut you off before. You said that there were three things that divided up the book. The second one was where we had started. Then you introduced the first one. You have to finish off now with the third before we keep everybody hanging here.

 

Tod: Absolutely. The third paradigm is that marriages don't happen, they are made. As much as that sounds sort of obvious, if you actually take a look and think about how we grow up thinking about love, it's all passive. I fell in love. I was swept off my feet. Especially now where we're in a world where things don't last very long and we crave newness, you combine the social media experience where I'm always seeing that everything in everybody else's lives looks always fantastic and fresh and wonderful, and then I've got this vision that love is passive and I just fall in love and if I could just meet the right soulmate -- by the way, they say in corona, you don't need a soulmate, you need a cellmate, a C-E-L-Lmate. At any rate, this idea that it's kind of passive and I find my soulmate and then everything's just supposed to be fine as long as I find the right person, we think that that's almost completely wrong.

 

Obviously, you need to try to find the right person. You need to find a person whose values you share, who you're attracted to, who you respect, who respects you. You get that person. They get you. That's the fundamental gating factor for committing to somebody. The point is that once that commitment happens, you have to realize that it will require giving, work, thinking about it, prioritizing it. Without that big picture that paints everything I do in marriage, I will fall naturally back into the Hollywood romance vision. They meet. They sweep each other off their feet. Usually, something bad happens that separates them. At the end of the movie, they fall into each other's arms again. The curtain goes down. That's the end of the movie. Of course, we all know that the next day the curtain comes back up. That is now act two, scene one, where the choice is going to be made. Oh, wow, that person is not quite as exciting as I thought they were, not quite as funny, not quite as attractive. I've been duped again by life.

 

Or I can say, wait a minute, I got into this and now I'm going to start actually prioritizing it, working on it, building it. A is get your marriage vision right. B is realize that you love where you give. The more you give, the more you will love. C, realize that this will be a process of making this work and investing in it. My background is investments. I will tell you, I never found a higher return investment than marriage because the well-being and the intimacy and the trust, almost everything a person wants and needs to have a meaningful, happy life can lie in a powerfully good relationship. We believe that it's not something that just happens to that lucky few. We really believe that anybody almost at any stage as long as it's not totally been destroyed by dysfunctionality and abuse and things like that can really restart their marriage and get it moving again.

 

Zibby: Wow. Thank you, guys, so much. See, you gave. I'm just taking, but it still improved my mood. Now I'm going to go give this back to the people in my life who I think could really use it including everybody listening. Fantastic book. Fantastic advice. Loved the whole framework. I am sad to not be on Zoom with you guys for the rest of the day so you can help me through all my inevitable stumbles. It's just such a good reminder to step up for your marriage. Just step it up. Do little nice things. Maybe leave a little note somewhere. It doesn't have to be such a big thing. Little things make such a big difference. Thank you for this reminder. Thank you for all your time.

 

Peter: Thank you so much for having us. We really, really appreciate it. Keep up all the great work.

 

Zibby: Thank you. You too.

 

Tod: Thank you very much.

 

Zibby: Buh-bye.

 

Tod: Bye.

 

Peter: Thank you.

TOD JACOBS AND PETER LYNN.jpg

Kazu Kibuishi, AMULET SERIES

Zibby Owens: Hi, Kazu. Thank you so much for coming on "Moms Don't Have Time to Read Books."

 

Kazu Kibuishi: Thanks for having me on.

 

Zibby: My pleasure. I have to tell that your Amulet series is my older son's favorite series of all time. He was so excited that I had the opportunity to interview you. Here I am. That's what we're doing here. [laughs] His first question to you is, where did you come up with the idea for the Amulet series?

 

Kazu: You should just bring him on.

 

Zibby: I asked him, but I think he's just being shy or something. He's thirteen.

 

Kazu: The question was, what was the inspiration?

 

Zibby: What was the inspiration? Then tell listeners a little more about what the Amulet graphic novel series is about and how there's one through eight and all the rest.

 

Kazu: I've been drawing comics since I was five. I always tell people when they ask me, when did I start? I usually ask them, when did you quit? [laughs] I think we all drew cartoons when we started. I'm just the last kid out of the pool, so to speak. I've been doing it just out of sheer interest. When I started, I was inspired by Garfield at the Scholastic book fairs. I wanted to get the newest edition of Garfield and be the first one there because all the other kids wanted it too. I read Mad magazine, things like that. I did a lot of cartooning really early on. It wasn't until I read Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind by Hayao Miyazaki where I realized, oh, I could do these cartoons, and I can write stories with them that had a literary quality to it. It had the scale and scope of something of Lord of the Rings. Up to that point, I didn't realize that I could do that with my cartoons. When I read that, I said, I'm going to try to do this instead of just the funny stuff. I used to draw hilarious cartoons and got myself into so much trouble in school. I was in detention for drawing all sorts of silly cartoons.

 

Zibby: Would anyone else find them funny except you, or did everybody find them funny?

 

Kazu: All the kids did.

 

Zibby: Okay, good. Just checking. [laughs]

 

Kazu: So did some of the teachers. They would scold me because they knew that you're supposed to scold the kids for doing things like that. I was always kind of a cartoon troublemaker. I always thought of cartooning as that, as something kind of irreverent, something a little off the rails. Then I read Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind. It had a huge impact on me. I knew at that moment, the moment I finished reading that book, that I would have to do this sometime in my life. It would be a mountain that I'd have to climb. It had nothing to do with career motivations. I was not motivated by career ambitions to do this. In fact, if I was motivated by that when I started, I think most people would've considered me quite foolish.

 

Zibby: What did you want to do? What were you motivated to do?

 

Kazu: I just wanted to make my parents happy. [laughs] My mom told me I was going to be a doctor pretty early, so I just assumed that I was going to follow some kind of path like that. I thought maybe I could take this art stuff and turn it into something respectable. I thought maybe it could be filmmaking, and so I went to college for film studies and learned how to be a filmmaker with live-action filmmaking, be on the set, work with actors, write screenplays, all that stuff. That was kind of the path that I was going to be on. When I got out of school, it was really difficult to find work as a live-action filmmaker, as you can imagine.

 

Zibby: They don't post that on Craigslist or Monster or whatever else the sites are these days.

 

Kazu: They wanted a director. That was the issue. There was a bit of a logjam in there. I ended up just getting work as graphic designer. It led me down this path where I was kind of on the cusp of becoming an architect because I ended up working in the field of architecture as a graphic designer. Did very well. Then 9/11 happened. It was a wake-up call for me. I thought if I was going to have to just go out right now, if the chips are down and everything's over right now, if I look back at my life, did I do the right thing? I said, no, I don't think so. I think that I have something more to offer. It's through cartoons. As little value that some other people might find there to be in cartoons, I found there to be a lot. I knew that I could be somebody who could make that case. I thought if I didn't do that, I'd be failing the world. [laughs] Even since then, it's been really easy as far as career trajectory. Even when I failed at cartoons, I've just stayed with it and said, you know what -- all these opportunities came my way, movies, TV shows, all these different things. People have been really kind to me all along the road. I've had to turn down many great opportunities to stay focused on the one thing. That's to draw cartoons and comics. I think the world is starting to catch up to that now. They're starting to understand the value of them in our society.

 

Zibby: It's so true. On 9/11, did you have a personal connection to it or firsthand experience? Did you just hear about it? Where were you and everything?

 

Kazu: I was in downtown Los Angeles working in the -- it was, at the time, the Citigroup building, I believe. I was the top floor. I was a graphic designer for Altoon & Porter Architects. Woke up the morning of, and I got a phone call from my coworker and good friend, Ryan. He called me. He said, basically, "They're evacuating the building right now. Don't come into work." I was like, "What's going on?" He said, "Just look at news." I saw what was going on. There was even reports of a plane coming to LA. That's the one, I believe, that landed somewhere in Middle America. That was only in my early twenties. I just thought, you're supposed to get a job. Everything's going to line up. Everything's going to be easy to understand. You can chart a course for your success. That's the career. That's your life. It's safe. It's all okay. Then that happens and you realize, oh, man, we live in a volatile world. Things can just change at the drop of a hat. I decided if that's going to be the case, I better put my best foot forward. When I was doing graphic design, it was convenient for me because I could make good money, but it wasn't what I could produce. Graphic design was only one element of the things I've trained to do. I trained myself to design well, but also to illustrate well, to write well as well, and speak as well like this.

 

Zibby: Yes, you're speaking very well. [laughs]

 

Kazu: I thought I was really wasting something. I felt like I would be really letting down a lot of people if I didn't get back on my horse. Here I am.

 

Zibby: I had that same experience with 9/11, actually. I lost my best friend and roommate who was working in one of the towers that day. I was twenty-five at the time. As you were speaking, I was thinking about the impact of the people like us in our twenties and how our careers -- I wonder if it's a whole generation where we searched for more meaning from the beginning. Whereas other people, maybe they were too entrenched in their careers in their thirties and forties, even. Maybe the people in their teens hadn’t even had to pivot because they hadn’t had a vision yet. I feel like all of us had a chance to say, wait a minute, no, no, no. I'm going to bring my whole self to what I'm doing. Now's the time. Anyway, it's nice when I hear --

 

Kazu: -- That was it.

 

Zibby: That was it. I was like, if I'm going to die at my desk, I better be doing something that means something. That was my theory. Look at your books now, your best-selling series, this hugely successful artist. You just had to listen to yourself. It just is sad, almost, that it takes these massive world-scale events to shake us into doing what our calling really might be.

 

Kazu: I feel like success is really a reflection of a responsibility. I feel like it just means that a lot of other people have recognized that you are taking on a responsibility that you may be able to fulfill, and the success comes your way. Then it becomes a new responsibility to have to deal with it. That's something that I think a lot of young artists don't hear enough about, the idea that once things do go well for you, are you doing the right thing then? Are you prepared for that moment? That's a big one. It's a big transition from going from, no one knows who I am, to, now everybody's listening to what I have to say.

 

Zibby: How did you handle that?

 

Kazu: I came into it in such a different way because of 9/11. It was so visceral, the impact of the event. My wife was in Manhattan. She was right there. She was having to deal with all the stuff that was happening on the ground, trying to match it with how the media and everybody was talking about it and stuff and how different all the different viewpoints were and realizing that things can really spin out into chaos if we're not careful about how we go about our lives. Cartoons in general, they're really best at clarifying at information to simplify things to the point where it could be universal. A cartoon can be read by people who speak any language. It doesn't matter what language you speak. You can pick up an Amulet book and understand it to at least some level. Then you may even use it as a guide to allow you to understand the words that are inscribed in there. You're going to learn English. I think there's a lot of kids who learn English through Amulet.

 

Zibby: It's almost like hieroglyphics in the olden days, in the old cave drawings way back when, when that was how people communicated. They didn't even have language. This is the most elemental means of communication there is that withstands time and borders and anything else you want to throw at it.

 

Kazu: Even the written language, they're in pictures too that we memorize. I think we often forget that. It's so interesting too because we often look down on the cartoons despite the fact that they are the most ancient form of communication we have. Maybe there's value to that. I think often it allows cartoons to have more power because of how disarming it may seem that we continue to say, cartoons are kid stuff. It's garbage. It's just something silly. I think that allows people to come to it with unconditional love. It's an interesting thing. It's one of the reasons why I've stuck with it.

 

Zibby: To your point earlier where you were talking about managing the success of being successful in whatever endeavor you’ve achieved, how did you adjust to being just you, graphic-designer you, to you with lines-out-the-door-at-the-bookstore you?

 

Kazu: I was really fortunate because I got to go slow. This success didn't happen overnight. Some people might perceive that it was an overnight thing, but it was a long night. [laughter] I was fortunate to be working with David Saylor who created the Graphix book imprint at Scholastic. He designed the Harry Potter logo and worked with JK Rowling on those books and saw the success of that and all the other successes that Scholastic has seen over the years. When I was at the start, he was really helpful in coaching me through it. He pretty much just told me, "It's going to happen for you. Here are the steps. Here's what you want to consider." When I was painting the fifteenth anniversary edition paperbacks for Harry Potter at Scholastic, they even coached me through how I should speak to media and all those types of things. I thought, this is really neat. I was already pretty well-versed in all that, but it was really nice to get their feedback and really professional, ground-level information and very detailed stuff. They told me, "Don't say this. Say this. Say that." I was like, oh, okay.

 

Zibby: That’s helpful.

 

Kazu: That is helpful.

 

Zibby: That's a course that everyone should take in general. Every child should have to take that course before they graduate, maybe even before they graduate lower school. That would be nice to save the middle schoolers some issues. Then I read in your bio that you had some form of meningitis and you were in a coma. What was that all about? What happened?

 

Kazu: I nearly died. [laughs] That really helped redefine this part of my life. I got meningitis. I'm not exactly sure how that happened. I'm guessing it might have been something to do with -- I had a broken hand. I think it may have been some kind of expired drugs or something like that, the injection from the steroids that they put in for the pain. My guess, but we don't know that. We'll never know now. I came out of it having lost a lot of my memory functions. Now my short-term memory is pretty bad. Prior to that, my memory was so sharp that it actually scared people. Amy, my wife, often tells me that I came out of the whole experience a nicer person, less intimidating.

 

Zibby: Wow. How old were you when this happened?

 

Kazu: What was it? It was 2012.

 

Zibby: Eight years ago, so in your thirties or something? Twenties? Thirties? I don't know how old you are.

 

Kazu: I was thirty-four. When I woke up, I couldn't draw. I couldn't walk. I had to figure out how to do all that stuff again. No one knew it was going on because I was even between books. I was so fast at making Amulet at the time that it pushed us back about a year. People complained. I had to learn how to write with a brain that just didn't work as well as it used to. Now I have to take more notes. I'm the guy after the event now. I have to take tons of notes. I have to know that I'm going to forget everything all the time. After taking care of my grandparents and hanging out with older people, I see that in how they are. That's what happens when you're older. My brain ended up having to accelerate because of this situation. Now I just have to deal with, kind of, an old person's brain. It's the biggest struggle now making these books. One of the reasons why it takes a lot longer is that, one, I need more sleep. If I don't have the sleep, I can't repair my brain. Number two, I can't retain information the way I used to. I'm like a fisherman. I've always been a really good fisherman of ideas and things like that, but now I've got a net with a huge hole in it. How do I do that? How do I still keep the books at the level that they always were at and not feel like I've lost a step? It's really just meant that I have to be more disciplined in my effort.

 

Zibby: Wow. Did you consider just not going back to it? Did you ever think, that's it for me?

 

Kazu: Like I said, I'm the last kid out of the pool. I don't quit.

 

Zibby: That's great. Wow, that's amazing. What a story.

 

Kazu: The work itself helped me, though. It's cognitive therapy, especially working on the Harry Potter covers because I couldn't write my book at the time. Scholastic asked me to do those on the side for a little bit. I took a little time off just to paint. That really helped to get myself back on my feet. I didn't have to worry about the difficult task of writing a book. All I had to do was focus on drawing.

 

Zibby: All you had to do is paint the cover of the most popular series on the planet. Just a little rehab exercise for you.

 

Kazu: To be honest, it was enjoyable. It felt like a break. I was so glad to be able to take that. Writing these stories is so much work. It's such a challenge. Drawing it is the fun part.

 

Zibby: Interesting. When is number nine coming out? Can you say yet? Not yet?

 

Kazu: I'm going to be done relatively soon. We're on the long final stretch. This will be the final stretch of this entire series. I'm taking my time to do this right. I don't want to rush it out. I know Scholastic wanted it -- everybody wanted it earlier, but I really held off. I just felt like it needed time. It just needed to marinate. I needed to get in all the ideas that I was trying to get in in all these years. This is one last shot on this series. I want to reread the series just to get to the final book. I find that too many series these days, because there's so much money and so much pressure involved, a lot of the writers, they kind of lose a lot of energy down the stretch. You'll often things peter out a little bit. It doesn't complete itself in the ways that I think a lot of fans want to see it done. I feel that I have an opportunity to avoid that. I feel like I can do this right. It'll come at a cost to me because I've got to pay for my time and just spend more time. I'm not an employee. That's something that people have to remember. I'm not on somebody else's clock. I'm on my clock. I'm taking that extra time and putting that extra energy and resources and everything to make sure they get my best shot. It has to be the best book in the series by a long shot, in my opinion, or else it's just going to be disappointing. It'll disappoint me. I'll be disappointed myself if it's not the best sci-fi/fantasy graphic novel ever made. [laughs]

 

Zibby: Wow, that is some drive. You should bottle that up and sell a little bit with every book. Your mom must be proud. How does she feel now that you did not become a doctor and instead, this is what you've created, this alternative universe and healed people in a different way? How does she feel?

 

Kazu: She would've been proud of me no matter what I did. She loves me. Whatever I want to do, however I want to do it, she's there for me. I do this for her too. She would've been devasted if I didn't do art, probably, because she knew how much I put into it. In fact, I guess I could tell a little story about when I was younger. When I was in high school, I actually had to lie to my mom. I told her that I quit art at the time. It was a weird thing because I think she was devasted that I would say something like that. It was actually to protect it, to protect the art. In high school, I was a bit of an artist superstar as a kid. I was kind of a prodigy at this. I was being offered a lot of work early on. I saw that I could now be moved into all these different directions. My destiny was way out of my hands if that happened, if I took on opportunities that were coming my way, so I said no to everything. I told my mom too. She was pushing me into classes and different things and saying, "Here, talk to this person. Talk to this person," and trying to be a good parent and seeing if she could help me up some kind of ladder. Every time those opportunities showed up, I decided, I've got to say no to all of them. My spidey sense told me that I had to become like a turtle in a shell and just say, I'm going to protect the art and the writing and the sanctity of the process of doing this. It needs to be within the control of the artist. That's why I quit art.

 

I quit art to go to film school to go put my mind on something else. I went to film school not to make films, but actually to study them. I went to UC Santa Barbara. I have a film studies degree. It's research. It's history. It's analysis of movies. It's being a film critic, not a filmmaker. I think it was one of the best decisions I'd ever made because it gave me time to absorb information and know how to do that, something that I think artists don't do often enough. They don't know how to curate the information they put in their own brain and put into their work. They don't research very much. They often just practice, practice, practice. There's so much emphasis on practice, so much emphasis on drawing really, really well. Really, you don't need to draw really well. You need to draw clearly. You can clearly communicate your idea. That's a good drawing, in my opinion. It's subjective, but my opinion is that if the ideas gets across, that's a great drawing. That's it. It doesn't really take tremendous skill to do that. That was something that I had to take control over early. I don't know how I got derailed into this thing, but I just thought it was something that some kids out there might need to hear, or maybe a mom, maybe a dad needs to hear that about their own kids. You want to give them agency, is I guess what I'm saying.

 

Zibby: I think that's great advice. Do you have any other parting advice to aspiring authors out there?

 

Kazu: I killed so much time with that, oh, my goodness. Just try to involve yourself in everything. See as much as you can. I think there's too much pressure to succeed early. I don't think you need to. I think that maybe you do if you're a professional athlete because there's only so much time your body can do the things an athlete needs to do. If you're doing this, your whole life is your career. You can be seventy years old and starting at making art or writing. When you have something to say and you put it out there, if it's worth its salt, it's going to be there for probably beyond your life. You might want to spend a lot of time thinking about what it is you have to say before you do. Instead of practicing, practicing, practicing, and putting it all out there for everyone to see, you can do it in your private life. Make a web comic for yourself and for your friends. Don't worry about people making it popular or getting a lot of money. Just worry about making sure that you are saying the thing you're looking to say and that you are just slowly getting better at your craft. That's about it. Your success isn't really in your hands. It's often in the hands of the world at large. If you find success, then I hope you're ready for it. That's another thing. That's a whole nother discussion.

 

Zibby: Thank you, Kazu. This has been so interesting. I really enjoyed our conversation. I will now send this off to my son so he can listen to the whole thing.

 

Kazu: He should be a part of the interview. Kids, they're some of my best feedback and editing advice that I get for my books. I love hearing what they have to say. I always listen.

 

Zibby: If he has any feedback, I'll shoot it over to you. Thank you so much.

 

Kazu: Thank you.

 

Zibby: Buh-bye.

Kazu Kibuishi.jpg

Emmanuel Acho, UNCOMFORTABLE CONVERSATIONS WITH A BLACK MAN

Zibby Owens: Welcome, Emmanuel. Thank you so much for coming on "Moms Don't Have Time to Read Books."

 

Emmanuel Acho: Of course. Thank you for having me.

 

Zibby: I feel like I should rename it for the night. I should call it Very Comfortable Conversations with a Mom. How about that? [laughter]

 

Emmanuel: That's a little more welcoming, you could say, than Uncomfortable Conversations with a Black Man.

 

Zibby: My whole thing is making people feel like they can talk to me and whatever. Although, I have to say, that is your thing too. The uncomfortable is sort of a misnomer because you make people comfortable immediately.

 

Emmanuel: That's the trick. People are like, Emmanuel, where's the discomfort? I'm like, it's not always for you. Sometimes I'm the uncomfortable person. Sometimes the listener's the uncomfortable person. Sometimes my guest is. More than anything, I try to make people comfortable because that's when you really get the truth out of people.

 

Zibby: It's so true. I was thinking to myself ahead of time, I was like, ooh, what could I ask him to make him really uncomfortable? [laughs] I decided not to do that. We can just chat. It's fine. Take me back to May when you decided to start Uncomfortable Conversations with a Black Man, the videos, and when your friend came and you were going to going to record together and then she bailed on you that morning and the whole thing of how you started it as the video series and then how it transitioned to a book.

 

Emmanuel: After the murder of George Floyd, Zibby, I was like, what do I do? I have to do something. I'm a sports analyst, but I'm a black man before I'm a sports analyst. Before the world acknowledged me as a black man, I'm a human being. It's my responsibility to positively contribute to society in some way, shape, or form, leave the earth better than it was when I found it, when it found me. I said, okay, what am I skilled at? I'm a, to a degree, gifted orator. I can speak. I'm going to do something called Questions White People Have. I grew up with so many white people. I know they have questions. I grew up in an affluent neighborhood in Dallas, Texas, went to this affluent, white, private school, wore a uniform, all boys' school called St. Mark's School of Texas. I said, I know my white brothers and sisters have questions and they don't have answers because they’ve never actually asked the questions. I've just heard the murmurs and the whispers. Great. I'll get three white people together, three black people together. We'll sit around the roundtable, clear fishbowl in the middle of it. My white brothers and sisters will pull out a question. They’ll ask it to the black people at the table. We'll have a conversation.

 

Problem, we're in the middle of a pandemic. Nobody can travel. Now what do I do? I'll call one of my white friends who can come down from Dallas to Austin, Texas; three-hour drive, straight shot, Interstate 35. She said, "Emmanuel, if I'm going to be there for you, I have to show up." I said, "Thank you. I greatly appreciate it." She shows up on Saturday. We're going to record on Sunday. She spends a night in my guestroom. We rehearse in front of her mom, in front of her sister, in front of my best friend. We're good to go. An hour and six minutes before call time on Sunday for the first episode of Uncomfortable Conversations with a Black Man, I come downstairs. She's in my kitchen with tears in her eyes. "I can't do it. It's not right. You should it by yourself. They don't want to see me. They want to see you." Long story short, she had a change of heart. Now I'm like, what do I do? I got to do it myself. I still didn't want to do it myself. Transparency moment, I don't think I've said this. If I have, I haven't said it often. I called another white friend last minute. I said, "Hey, can you just stand in and ask me these questions? I'll answer them." Remember, Uncomfortable Conversations with a Black Man, not Uncomfortable Monologue with a Black Man.

 

Zibby: [laughs] I was going to say that. I was just thinking monologue.

 

Emmanuel: The first episode was not supposed to be me talking for nine minutes, twenty-seven seconds. The first episode was also very likely only going to be one episode. If you listen closely, episode one, "Welcome to the first of hopefully many episodes." I didn't know what the heck I was going to do. That is how this all came to be, the ups, the downs, the highs, the lows. It was kind of ordained, a moment meant for me. I wasn't searching for it or seeking it out. The man met the moment.

 

Zibby: Wow. That's impressive. So you started doing all the videos. By the way, the quality of the videos, this isn't like you were just propping up an iPhone. They're highly produced. When Oprah shows up on episode three or four, whenever she came, I was like, of course she's going to show up because it already looks like an Apple TV set that you're doing this on.

 

Emmanuel: Let me interrupt you. First episode, the producer was my best friend who's an Olympic gold medalist in Rio Olympics 2016, a sprinter, anchored the 4x100 meter relay. The videographer was a wedding videographer, not some Emmy-award winning videographer. It was just my friend who's a wedding videographer and his wife. The first episode was shot in an area that I shot my 2018 birthday video. I wanted a white psych wall. I said, wait a second, if we're going to do this, we got to do it well. It looks very highly produced, but the reason it looks like that is because it was so simple because I paid for it. I paid for the first three episodes out of pocket all myself. I said this, people's eyes need to be satiated, if that's the right word. They need to be stimulated. Content is digested better if it's higher quality. I said, let me take the $1,500, let me do this with friends. These aren't pros. It's a track Olympic gold medalist and a wedding videographer and myself. We were the four people in the room for episode one. That was it. Episode two, I got my friend who's an interior designer. She was our stage manager. It was not a family affair, but it was a friendly affair of just me gathering a group of people who wanted to see the world be better and wanted to see the world change. We all garnered those first forty million views just kind of doing it.

 

Zibby: Unbelievable. There's something almost metaphoric in the fact that it was you against the white background. The black man, the white background, you've probably thought of this before. Thought that was genius of me. Let's go to the content of what you talk about and what you put in the book and all the rest, which by the way, was so much more than just a continuation of the videos. This is a history book. I was reading it before bed. I was just like, oh, I'm learning. I feel like I'm in school again. Also, memoir, highly engaging, but just so many facts. You must have had to go research. Do you just know all this off the top of your head? Tell me about what went into making the book.

 

Emmanuel: The book, I didn't want it to just be regurgitation of the episodes because that, to me, is, to a degree, lazy. It's also not enough. It's accurate, but it's incomplete. I wanted the book to be both accurate and fully complete. I wanted to give people a ton of information. Let me submit this to you because this is something I've had a challenge with. We learn our history too young in America. We learn our history too young. Why do I say this? I was taught about the Civil War before I cared about the Civil War. Don't teach me about the Civil War when I'm eleven years old and I can't even spell. Don't teach me about that stuff then. Don't teach me about the judicial system. Don't teach me about the three-fifths compromise. Don't teach me about things that have to do with my identity before I know my identity. I've never said that before, but I'm really having that moment of, we learn so much stuff so young that we didn't digest it.

 

Now when I was writing this book and researching more information, I was having those moments of -- I forgot the grandfather's clause. Prime example. Everybody knows the term the grandfather's clause, but we don't really know what it means. We don't remember what it means. For those listening, when black people were disenfranchised, they would put those Jim Crow laws together that would try to limit black people from voting. They would make you take literacy tests in order to vote after slaves became free. You had a literacy test. The problem is, black people couldn't read because they were slaves and you weren’t allowed to read. The problem was you were disenfranchising white people because some lower-class white people couldn't read. Rather than adjusting and removing literacy tests because that might have helped black people, we said, let's create the grandfather's clause. If your parents could vote, if your grandparents could vote, you can vote. Black people's grandparents couldn't vote because of slavery. I don't care about that in fifth grade. I care about that as a twenty-nine-year-old. That's when I care.

 

When I was rereading all the information as I was writing this book, I was like, we have this notion in our head that history is boring, outside of the few history majors that are walking the earth that we all are like, oh, those super nerds. We have this notion that history is boring when all you got to do is go watch the Hamilton musical and you'll be like, yo, history's kind of interesting. We just learn it too early. I kind of [indiscernible] and went all over the place. I do think those listening will really feel that. When I was writing this, so much of the stuff, it's so interesting. The fact that black and white people couldn't be married sixty years ago, that's so interesting. I think it's Loving v. Virginia. So much stuff is so interesting. I'll end like this, you have to know your past to know your future. You have to know where you came from to know where you're going. I think we have to do a better job of knowing where we came from.

 

Zibby: You're absolutely right. By the way, I was just helping my thirteen-year-old daughter study for an American history test. I had to go through all the things that happened around the 1760s, 1750s. I was like, huh, is that really what happened? When you get to be this age -- I'm forty-four, so this is even more embarrassing. I learned it in school, but it hasn’t really come up that much more since, and so all the details get a little foggy. Yes, I think knowing your history and also positioning -- history needs a rebrand. I think we should call history class amazing stories or something. I totally agree with you. You need the context. I'm also curious about -- I know so many people are watching you and listening to you. You're engaging people, everyone from police to just so many people about things that they're unwilling, perhaps, to look at or haven't thought about before. I'm wondering what you, deep down, believe is the potential for change. Do you think that the right people are listening? Do you think people can change? You asked that amazing question with the police when you said, "Do you think we'll ever get to a place where a young black child could look to a policeman as someone who's a safe haven?" The answer was sort of up in the air. What do you think?

 

Emmanuel: We have to make incremental leaps, steps, and then eventually bounds. Here's what we have to understand. The people that are on extreme sides -- my black brothers and sisters on extreme sides that are just, I hate white people because of what they’ve done and the history and I just will never forgive white people, we got to move off that fence. The white people on the extreme side of, racism doesn't exist, systemic racism doesn't exist, black people just need to get over it, things have been equal for fifty years now, there's not a problem, got to move off that fence. We all got to get away from our sides and get towards the middle because the truth of anything lies in the middle. The truth of most arguments, it lies in the middle. It doesn't hover on extremes. How can we move forward as a country, as a world, as a nation? We have to have real dialogue. The biggest thing for me, Zibby, and it's the simplest, conversations. I was talking to the group of police officers -- my latest episode, for those that are listening but haven't yet watched it, it's a group of twenty-five Petaluma police officers in Northern California, and predominately white. This a population of sixty thousand but that's less than one percent black. My first question I asked the officers was, "When's the last time you had a dinner, a conversation, with a group of black people?" Two officers that I asked said, "Honestly, Emmanuel, we never have."

 

Now, there's nothing wrong with that, but there's nothing right with that either. Inherently, there's nothing wrong with that. I don't think it's malicious. You have to understand, if you're not going to expose yourself to a group of people that don't look like you, don't sound like you, aren't cultured like you are, then how do you expect to interact with them? However you think you're interacting with them, how can you think you're interacting with them properly if you don't even know the them that you're interacting with? I went to an all-boys' preparatory school. I told you this, high school. I didn't have girls in my school from fifth grade to twelfth grade. Didn't go to school with girls. Some perks to that. You don't have to worry about wearing cologne and looking good and all that other stuff, but there's some negatives. When I got to college, I was like, there are girls here. There's some women here. What do I do? I had to learn and relearn how to navigate, how to act, how to be. Don't be so aggressive. Don't be so hostile. Don't be so curt. I had to learn some things because I hadn’t been exposed on a daily basis to a large people group. It's the same thing. I don't even remember the question you asked anymore.

 

Zibby: That's okay. Whatever. It doesn't matter.

 

Emmanuel: Nonetheless, I think that's what we have to do to become better as a nation. We have to just have real conversations.

 

Zibby: So we'll get rid of all-boys' schools. That's the answer.

 

Emmanuel: [laughs] Basically.

 

Zibby: I worry. My son is at an all-boys' school right now. I'm like, what is he going to do when he gets face to face with women? Do you feel like you were behind the other guys when you got to college, or what?

 

Emmanuel: Yeah, but it's a quick learning curve. It also depends on -- I was still going to church on Wednesdays and Sundays. Then I have two older sisters. It's not like it was a completely foreign species, like, oh, my god, brain malfunctioning. I see someone with longer hair. I don't know what to do. That didn't happen. It was just different being in class. Now you got to figure out how to navigate differently. It's just different. I submit that it truly is the same thing with black and white people. Just because we're all people, no; Emmanuel Acho navigates differently around white people than he does around black people. He just does. We just have to understand that and move and navigate life accordingly.

 

Zibby: Wow. You must have written this book really quickly. How did you fit this in? You already have a busy schedule. You're hosting a show. You're all over the place. When did you do this?

 

Emmanuel: Well, I don't have a ton of fun right now. I have a ton of work. I did it from the last two weeks of June to first two weeks of August. That was like, hey, let's knock this out in six, seven weeks. That was before I was doing a lot of talking and public speaking. In my free time, I would just start notating the stories, notating the concepts. Where do I want to go? Here's the thing, though. I realize the end of something before I ever start it. What do I mean? 2015, I'm playing for the Philadelphia Eagles. I get a direct message on Instagram from a fan, Zibby. "Hey Emmanuel, if I get two thousand retweets, will you go to prom with me?"

 

Zibby: I saw that.

 

Emmanuel: I say, "If you get ten thousand, you got yourself a deal." I never thought it would happen. Here's what I also said. I said, "May the odds ever be in your favor," a quote from the famous movie Hunger Games. That's how it was ended. I said, in the event that she gets these ten thousand retweets, I want there to be a cool story, a cool response, so I ended with that. Long story short, Elizabeth Banks, the lead star of Hunger Games, ends up retweeting the story. I had gone to the end before I ever got to the beginning. When I was getting thousands of emails after my episodes, I was favoriting the ones that were really good questions. I said, in the event this ever becomes a book, I want to use these questions in the book because I want to be able to talk to real people and answer real questions. It was easier to write because as I was always thinking about it, I always thought, I don't want this to just be a moment of sizzle. I want it to be a moment of substance. Books are more substance. Spoken word is sizzle. I was always preparing for the potential.

 

Zibby: Interesting. Were there any questions you considered putting in the book or making an episode of your show and you felt like they were just too uncomfortable or you just didn't want to go there?

 

Emmanuel: The biggest place I don't want to go is politically. Some people are like, hey Emmanuel, why don't you bring on somebody on the hard-extreme end who doesn't even think racism exists? Then I submit this, Zibby. I say, I want to have an uncomfortable conversation, not an uncomfortable argument. If your mind was already closed, what am I going to do? I'm not here to bang on a door that's deadbolt locked. I'm there to knock on a door that's cracked open. If you're already closed-minded, it's not going to do me any good. I'm not sitting here trying to get into a yelling match. Racism is real! Zibby, if you were like, hey Emmanuel, the Earth is flat, I'd be like, okay, you're wrong, but you're entitled to your wrong opinion. People that are like, systemic racism doesn't exist, okay, you're wrong, but you're entitled to your own wrong opinion. We're not debating opinions. We're talking about facts. I'm not going to get into an opinion-based debate over factual matters. That's, to answer the question, what I've been asked most to do that I just don't bother with.

 

Zibby: Where is this whole thing going? I know it started, you didn't plan it. You just responded emotionally. Then you put this enormously brilliant whole thing together. It's already been expanding. Oprah's been on your show and put you on her list. The book's going to just blow up. This is probably releasing right after the book. I'm sure by then it will have already blown up. Where do you see this going? Do you have a vision? Are you going to be the president one day? How big? What do you see? What's your secret hopes and dreams?

 

Emmanuel: Great question. I think any answer would be too small. If you would've asked me on May 30th or May 31st, I never would've told you that I would've got a call from Matthew McConaughey, Oprah Winfrey, and Roger Goodell, the commissioner of the NFL, all within a month and a half. My mind can't fathom the reach in which this could have, nor do I want to. I've said this before. When I was a kid, you would lay a hundred dominoes, the black and white dominoes, and you'd push the first one in hopes that you would see a train of a hundred dominoes fall. It was just the coolest thing ever. The first domino, Zibby, didn't care about the hundredth. It just cared about knocking over the second one. I'm not worried about the two hundredth or hundredth domino. I'm just worried about the next episode. I'm worried about the episode with the police officers. Then I'm worried about the next one. Then I'm worried about the next one because I just want to keep making pockets of change, keep making pocket of change. Then I'll look up and be like, oh, this is pretty cool. So many people have been like, Emmanuel, have you not stopped to celebrate? Are you not super excited? I'm like, I don't have time. I got work to do. I'm going to stop and look back one day and reflect. I've had one waterworks, tear-jerking, god, thank you so much moment, but I don't have time. I don't have time to celebrate. I'll look back at the end, and I'll be grateful that I was used as a vessel in the moment. I don't have visions of where I want it to go. I just want to keep staying focused and true to the moment because I think our society will benefit.

 

Zibby: Did you feel like you had room for a calling before this happened? I was looking at your before-Instagram. I'm like, what was he up to before? It's not like you were doing nothing. You already had a whole -- singing and this and that. This came in and clearly has just ignited every sense of you. You're in it, you said earlier. Did you know there was room? Can it just happen? Did you long for something?

 

Emmanuel: Can it just happen for other people?

 

Zibby: I guess. Did you know that there was something that you wanted to do to make meaning and then this fell in your lap? Were you waiting for something? in other words.

 

Emmanuel: I wasn't waiting for this. I was trying to create content around love shows and create a crazy type of entertaining content. It was never this. Let me answer your question. There's a difference between your career and your calling. I think your career is what you're paid for. Your calling is what you're made for. Many people have heard that being said before. Your career is what you're paid for. Your calling is what you're made for. My career is sports. I was focused on my career, but I was still attentive to my calling. I got three calls from no-caller ID numbers during the course of these Uncomfortable Conversations with a Black Man. The first one, Oscar award-winner Matthew McConaughey. He calls me. "Acho, McConaughey here. I want to be a part of your second episode." Matthew McConaughey. The second call, Oprah Winfrey. "Emmanuel, I love what you're doing. Would love to have a conversation," etc. The third one, commissioner of the NFL, Roger Goodell. "Hey Emmanuel, I just saw one of your episodes. I want to be a part of this conversation." I say that to say this. Your calling will call you. Pick it up. Your calling will call you. Make sure you pick up. My calling called me. I didn't dial any numbers. My calling just said, okay, Emmanuel, now is the time. Remember, I wasn't trying to do this alone. That's what people don't understand. I was trying to do this with anybody else, but I couldn't. I just still knew I had to do it.

 

Zibby: Last quick question, do you have any advice to aspiring authors?

 

Emmanuel: Man, that's a really, really, really good question. I have tons of advice. To aspiring authors, I would say stay true to yourself. Stay true to your intention. When I first talked to Oprah, the very first question she asked me -- she made is sound way more elegant than I will. She said, "Emmanuel, what is your intention? Your intention will drive you." I said, "Oprah, number one, I want to change the world, and I actually believe I can. Number two, I want to be a catalyst for racial reconciliation through dialogue and conversations." My intention's not to get a lot of Instagram followers. My intention's not to get a lot of clicks. My intention's not to get a lot of fame. My intention is to change the heart of at least one person or at least change and open their aperture of understanding. To my potential authors, stay true to your intention. Don't be focused on selling the most books, selling the best book. Sell the book that is truest to you. That is the best book. Whatever it is that your intention said, this is what I want to do, that is what you do. Everything else will come. Lastly, there's a different between success and significance. Pursue significance, and success will come. Pursue success, and you may miss both. If you pursue significance, success will follow.

 

Zibby: Amazing. Thank you so much for your time. This has been such a treat. I can't wait to watch your star continue to rise. I'm so glad we got to spend some time together.

 

Emmanuel: The pleasure was mine, my friend. Thank you.

 

Zibby: Take care. Buh-bye.

 

Emmanuel: Bye.

Emmanuel Acho.jpg

Rachel Hollis, DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING

Zibby Owens: Hi, Rachel.

 

Rachel Hollis: Hi. How you doing?

 

Zibby: I'm good. How are you doing?

 

Rachel: Good. Thank you.

 

Zibby: Thank you so much for coming on "Moms Don't Have Time to Read Books." This is such a treat to get to talk to you. Your latest book, Didn't See That Coming, I feel like that is the story of my life and obviously for so many people, especially during this time. Oh, my gosh, best title ever pretty much.

 

Rachel: Thank you. I appreciate that.

 

Zibby: Obviously, there's so much in life that none of us can see coming. You've had a lot of twists and turns from a very, very young age starting with your brother's suicide, which you write about so poignantly, all the way up until now. When you decided to write this book, which part did you want to focus on the most? What did you say was, this is the book that I have to talk about X, Y, Z? What was it?

 

Rachel: It's interesting. I read something years ago that said that all authors are essentially writing the same back over and over. There's a central theme for every author that they just keep exploring from a bunch of different directions. I thought that can't be true for me because I've written fiction, I have cookbooks, and I have nonfiction, personal development, self-help stuff. I thought about it. I was like, oh, yeah, all my books have the exact same theme no matter what it is I'm talking about, which is, you can do this. You can do this thing. In this book, what I wanted to explore most was encouraging people who are going through a hard season or who are in the midst of something difficult that you can get through this. Not only can you get through this, but you can come out the other side of it as a better person than you went into it. In order for that to be true, you have to make a conscious decision that you are going to pursue the learnings in this, the wisdom in this, the information that you can glean out of it. Otherwise, you feel bitter or you get stuck or you don't know how to move forward because you become paralyzed by the pain that you're inside of.

 

Zibby: Wow. It's all so true. You wrote so beautifully to your point about how people can get through grief especially. So many people are grieving right now given the pandemic and obviously just for regular life as well. You had this whole section. I just wanted to read a tiny portion of it because it was so encouraging. I have recently been through a lot of grief myself, so this was particularly resonant for me. You said, "The grief over death is making them miss the life that's still there. I can't tell you how to grieve. That's an incredibly personal process that nobody's in charge of but you, but I can tell you something with absolute certainty. The person you lost would not want this for you. The person you lost would never ever want you to suffer over their absence." Then you say, "It's okay to be sad. It's okay to miss them. It's not okay for you to lie down and die too. You are still here, and there's a reason for that." Tell me more about that and how to really channel what you might know intellectually but then put it into practice emotionally.

 

Rachel: This, for me, shows up in two ways. One is, you know if you've read the book, there's a chapter in it where I talk about my parents. I have children. I cannot imagine what it felt like for my parents to lose their only son to suicide. I can't even fathom that, but I do know what it feels like to be the little sister who -- as a little girl, I felt like I'm not enough of a reason for them to keep living because they both, in different ways, just checked out. They weren’t present. Ryan died when I was fourteen. From the time I was fourteen years old, I truly raised myself. Nobody cared if there was dinner. Nobody cared if my homework was done. Everything that I figured out how to do, I figured out on my own. I really truly live my life in a way that asks how situations, even if they're bad, can be for me. I look back and I'm like, oh, that's why I'm a self-starter. That's why I'm an achiever. That's how I built my company or wrote these books.

 

It was because of having gone through that experience, but there's still a part of that that's deeply painful that feels like I was abandoned by these people who are supposed to take care of me. That effectively, I don't want to say destroyed, but really hurt the relationship I have with both my parents for the rest of my life. On the one hand, I am speaking about grief from that perspective. Then the other place that I come from is having done so much therapy for so many years about coming to terms with the loss of my brother and finding the bittersweet in missing him. When he first passed away -- grief, if you've experienced this, then you know this is true. Grief is an evolution. The grief that you feel when you first lose someone or when you first lose something that really matters to you is very different than the grief that you experience five or ten years later. I don't think that it ever goes away, but it does evolve. To have gotten to a place in my life where I can miss my brother but also really see that there's beauty in that missing, it's celebratory of his life.

 

I was very close to my grandparents. Those are two other people that I, all the time, am missing. In my house, there's pictures of my brother. There's pictures of grandma and grandpa everywhere. I talk to my kids about them. Last year, we lost my brother-in-law very unexpectedly. That was devastating for our whole family. I was cooking dinner the other day. My niece, she's a grown-up, she's walking through the kitchen. It was her dad that we lost. I was like, "Oh, my gosh, I got to tell you, every time I make this, I think of your dad." She stopped. Her eyes are really big. She's like, "Why?" She just was so starving for that story. I'm like, "Let me tell you this story about when I was a little girl. You dad made me this thing." Even though there's pain in that memory, there's so much beauty in those people that we've lost still being very present in our lives. If there's a way for people to get to that place, it is just such a better state to exist in than only feeling the painful emotions.

 

Zibby: It's true. I feel like people are sometimes hesitant to tell stories or bring up the person who's recently died for fear of upsetting the griever, which I feel like couldn't be further from the truth. You're already thinking about the person. It's not like, oh, I forgot about this horrible thing that happened, but because you brought up my brother-in-law, now I'm upset. I think that's a big misconception. By the way, going back to your parents sort of abandoning you, when you wrote about it in the book, about your Christmas holidays and watching the movie over and over again with your sister, oh, my gosh. Then how your husband thought that that was just something you enjoyed doing, but it came from this deep place. Anyway, my heart was going out to you.

 

Rachel: Thank you. I appreciate that.

 

Zibby: I actually recently interviewed an author named Hope Edelman who wrote a book called The AfterGrief. I don't know if you're familiar with it or not. It's about how grief that stays with you for your whole life ends up, as you just mentioned, sort of morphs in some particular ways. She followed a group of people for thirty-odd years and did a lot of research into what the lasting effects of grief are. One of the points is exactly as you had said. There is a silver lining to it even though it's horrific and you wouldn't want that lining if you could return it, but that you do have a different type of appreciation of life. Anyway, in case you're in the market for a new book to read.

 

Rachel: Yeah, thank you.

 

Zibby: Another thing that I was really struck by in this book is that you have built up such a reputation for yourself as sort of the healer to everyone. You've sort of taken on everybody's pain. You were so honest in this book about how that makes you feel, like the scene where you're out with your son. Somebody comes over to you and starts spilling out their most traumatic memories and you're like, um, hold on. [laughs] Tell me a little bit about that. You don't often hear people who have become big-deal leaders on the emotional front having to confront how that makes them feel. I was hoping you could just tell me a little more about that.

 

Rachel: It's so interesting. This is the thing that people have to understand. This was never my aim. I never in my whole life thought that this would be what I was known for, truly. In fact, if you look at my career as an author, I started writing fiction. I just loved to write. I wrote fiction. Then I wrote cookbooks. I never thought, oh, I'm going to be this self-help whatever. Then I had another author friend who prompted me who was like, "What would you say to women? If you were going to write nonfiction, what would you say to women?" My answer was Girl, Wash Your Face. It was my first nonfiction book. I put it out there. Just like every other book I've ever put out in the world, it had a slow start. I was like, oh, my gosh, five people read it. This is great. Then it exploded, millions. I want to say it sold five million copies. It's insane what happened. I was describing it to someone the other day. I said the past three years have felt like I'm riding a runaway horse and I'm trying so desperately to rein it in and get control of the journey. It's not always graceful. I don't always do it well. It's just felt like a really crazy experience.

 

Back before COVID, my company would throw a big women's conference. We'd have five thousand women come from all over the world for three days, an amazing event. In those settings, I'm very prepared to hold space for your pain. I'm very prepared to be in that with you and talk about the hard things and do the work. There is a way that you can mentally and emotionally prepare yourself for that kind of experience. What happened when the books exploded was that there were no boundaries anymore. People would truly come up to -- the thing I talk about in the book is a real experience, being at the grocery store with my son and a woman walks up with no "Hello. How are you?" Just immediately starts bawling and telling a very traumatic and upsetting experience as my little boy is standing next to me holding my hand. He's afraid. It's funny, but it's one thing when it's me. When it's me and I'm walking through an airport or whatever, let's go. I'm here for you. I'll do all the things. I will be present with you in that space. The times that it has felt out of control, and it's happened many times, is when I'm with my kids. That feels, to me, so inappropriate, especially because women are often telling stories that little kids shouldn't hear.

 

I didn't know how to handle that, truthfully. I had no idea how to process that. What I did was, I just didn't want to leave my house. I traveled quite a bit at that time. I would travel and be on the road. People would stop me all the time. Then I would go home and I wouldn't leave home because I was afraid that I wouldn't know how to handle it. It just felt so overwhelming. It took a lot of time to come to terms with that and to accept the responsibility of that. I do think it's a responsibility. I handle it now by believing if I am in public, then I am prepared to hold space for people. I worked really hard to get here, but I also believe that God and the universe gave me this opportunity. I want to take that responsibility with the measure of how big it is, I want to take that and do it well. If I'm in public, I'm like, all right, I'm here for you. When I'm with my kids now, I have learned to steer the conversation. I have learned to hold boundaries up. I make it really clear that it's not an appropriate time to talk to me about that thing right now.

 

Zibby: Wow. That's a lot to have to put on your shoulders just to walk out the door if you want to go run to the store or pick up some milk. That's just a lot that you have to be -- it's almost like some sort of an ambassador, like a ruler almost, like you're the president. Being a public figure I guess is what I'm trying to say. Maybe you're not in the mood that day. What if you're having a terrible day yourself?

 

Rachel: Honestly, there's an interesting thing. I have some friends who are high-profile figures. The unique situation that I'm in is that I think because I talk about so many personal things in my life, my readers feel like they're my friends. They don't think that there's anything weird about walking up and being like, oh, my gosh, Rach! Then they’ll tell me some story. It's almost like they feel like they're in the middle of a conversation with me already. There are definitely other friends I have who, they don't experience that. I try and look at that as a gift. This is the biggest, lamest namedrop that I could possibly do, but my best example of this experience is, I had the opportunity at the end of this year to speak for Oprah on her tour. It was a lifelong dream. She's my hero. It was just such a huge moment. I love this story because I've met so many people that I admired and have been really disappointed. I can tell you that Oprah exceeds every expectation you could possibly hope for. I did my keynote. I was backstage. She had welcomed me onto stage and hugged me when I was done. I'm like, okay, that's it. She's freaking Oprah. I've had my moment. I went back to my dressing room. I was there with my best friends. We're just like, oh, my gosh, this is amazing.

 

Someone knocks on the door and says, "Miss Winfrey would like to come see you. Would that be okay?" All of us in the room pee our pants. We're like, what? I'm in this teeny tiny dressing room. Oprah wants to come to me in this trashy room? She's the queen. Shouldn't I go to her? It was so wild. I'm like, "Yes, that would be just fine." I close the door. We start cleaning. When you were little, if your company was ever coming and the whole family just starts cleaning feverishly, we're shoving things under cushions. Get it clean! She comes into the dressing room and hung out with us for about fifteen minutes, which still blows my mind. There was this moment where she said -- I know this sound cheesy, but she looks into your soul. She's not human, first of all. She's a goddess. It's something so much bigger than a regular human being. She looks into my soul through my eyes. She's like, "How has this felt for you?" I said, "It's been really hard. I have had to ask myself a lot in the last year if this is something I really want." She touched my hand. I wish you could see me right now because I'm acting out this entire thing. Truly, I cannot explain. My best friends were all there. It was a divine moment in my life. There is no other way to put it.

 

She touched my hand. She looked me in the eye. She said, "Do you want this?" Nobody spoke for like ninety seconds. I felt like it was the universe asking me, are you willing to carry this responsibility? I said, "I do." She said, "Okay, but you have to understand what you're taking on because very few people will understand what it means to hold this for so many women. I understand what it means. Just know what you are signing on for." I was like, okay. [laughs] It was truly just one of the most amazing moments in my whole life, understanding that you really do have to look at it as, it's not about me. None of this is about me. It's about her. It's about the reader. It's about who might be helped. I'll tell you truthfully that I approach my work, always, if I'm going out to give a keynote, if I'm writing a book, always, my prayer is, God, let this help one person. One person. If one single person is helped by this thing that I am about to do, then it was worth the effort and the energy and the pain and all of it. It doesn't matter. I'm talking about me. We could be talking you or your listeners. Whether you're a teacher, if you're a stay-at-home mama, if you're a podcast host, whatever it is that you're bringing to the world, if your work can positively affect the life of another human, then what a blessing. What a gift. I'm willing to carry the hardship and stress of that if it means that I can be helpful to someone.

 

Zibby: Oh, my gosh, that was amazing. I want to stop recording and just replay this five times for myself. That was amazing. Thank you.

 

Rachel: Good. You're so welcome.

 

Zibby: First of all, I can't believe you started that by saying it was a pathetic namedrop. That was the most inspiring -- [laughs].

 

Rachel: I always feel like, "Oh, this time I met Oprah," shut up, dude. Don't be that person. I met a lot of people that I've been like, oh, man, I wish they weren’t so lame. She was so wonderful. Not only that, but she talked to my friends and hung out with my friends and took pictures. She had no reason to do that, no reason whatsoever. I like to tell that story because I think it's good to hear that people are good.

 

Zibby: I agree, especially somebody like Oprah who's so iconic. For you to have this personal experience and to know -- sometimes you hear things about people. You're like, she seems great, but privately she's really awful or she's so rude to other women. Then you're so disappointed. I'm not surprised to hear that she's as authentic as she seems, but it's still nice to hear.

 

Rachel: Absolutely.

 

Zibby: Wow, that was a fantastic answer. Let's talk about time and how you deal with all of the things that you do being of service to basically anybody who has an issue in the entire country or world or whatever, dealing with all of your kids, writing books, running a business. How are you doing all of this? I don't want to talk about juggling. Just literally, how do you get through this?

 

Rachel: I actually just posted something about this last night on Instagram. I will tell you, I'm saying this and maybe it's not true, but I am one of the most intentional people you will ever meet. I am wildly intentional with my time. I want to say this to your listeners. This is a learned behavior. This is not something that I grew up having. I would say about ten years ago when I really started to grow my business and I really started to focus on pursuing the goals that were in my heart, I started to understand that I needed to be so effective with the hours that I had inside of every single day. You do that by, number one, knowing what your personal values are. Especially for women and especially for moms, we are often told by the world, by our family, by society what we are meant to value. I absolutely fell into that trap when I was a new mom and was first trying to figure it all out. I was trying to be this picture-perfect, Pinterest mom and throw these elaborate birthday parties and volunteer as room mom and do all this stuff. I felt so frustrated. I felt so bitter. I did not feel closer to my kids. I felt like I was sort of making other moms think that I was doing a good job, but that I wasn't really doing what I wanted to do with my own family.

 

The first piece is knowing what your personal values are. I tend to think that we should choose four to five things that we're really going to focus on. The key, once you know what your values are, is to say, anything that is not these values does not have a place in my day. For instance, one of my biggest personal values is growth. I want to learn. I want to grow. I am a voracious reader. I am constantly challenging myself. I'm trying to learn Spanish. I'm taking horseback riding lessons. I want knowledge. It lights my heart on fire. I don't even care what the knowledge is about. I just love to learn. That is really important to me. Someone else might say, my greatest personal value is showing up in my community and volunteering. They might then spend their time doing that. If you know what it is that you care about, then you can lay out your day to make sure that you have time to do the things you say you care about. Know what your personal values are. Be willing to say no to anything that doesn't fall into that list. If you saw my schedule right now, it might stress you out. It might stress lots of people out. Yes, I am very busy. Beyond the stuff that's inside of my work schedule is just -- I'm looking at my calendar right now as I'm talking to you. My calendar starts at five AM. I put things into my calendar like, this is your reading time. This is when you do your gratitude work. This is when your workout happens. This is when you're going to meal prep for your day to make sure that you're eating foods that are going to bless your body today. This is when you're going to go on your run.

 

It's all in there because in order to accomplish and make traction against your goals, both personally and professionally, you have to have a plan for when they're going to show up. I'm super intentional. I'm very focused on where I'm going. The other piece of this is that if you're going to take the time to figure all of this out and you say that you care about something and you say that you're putting it in your calendar, you have to show up for yourself. I have a personal rule that I do not break a promise that I make to myself. As women, we often will keep our promise to everybody else, but break the promise that we made to ourselves. Meaning, you said, man, I'm for sure going to get a walk in today because I know it makes my spirit feel so good and I love to get outside, but then someone needs you to do a favor. You're like, you know what, I'll not the do the thing that matters to me so that I can do the thing that you need me to do, which is how we get to the place where we're burnt out and stressed out. If you say that you are going to do something, you got to do it. You've got to hold yourself accountable to the things that you said you were going to do. Those are some really practical things that I do to make sure that I can accomplish all the things that I set out to do.

 

Zibby: This is amazing. You have bullet points for everything I ask. This is perfect advice. It's amazing.

 

Rachel: The thing is, I get a lot of the same questions on social or on Live or whatever.

 

Zibby: Oh, I'm sorry.

 

Rachel: No, no, no, don't hear me like that. What I mean is, I get a lot of the same questions from people in my community, not that I get the same ten questions, but I get the same one hundred questions. I try really hard to come up with answers that are helpful. Even for you, you're doing this podcast and you're helping people find information in the world. Oftentimes, someone will ask us how to do something. We think that the knowledge that we have -- you're like, oh, that's so simple. Anything I tell you would be dumb. Nobody wants to know how -- no, people want to know exactly how. I try really hard to pay attention to how I get the result so that when somebody prompts me, I'm like, great, I've got three things you can do right now.

 

Zibby: Wow. I'm going to put that on my list of things to do, having a million answers ready for when anyone asks me anything, not that anyone cares.

 

Rachel: Girl, don't say that. If you have listeners, they care.

 

Zibby: I'm joking. My one question about your really effective, intentional time management system is that you have lots of kids. So do I. They don't really care what's on my schedule sometimes. When they fall and need a Band-Aid or when they want to show me their art project, I stop everything. How do you interweave the complete unpredictability of having children with the need to be totally self-directed?

 

Rachel: Great question. I'll tell you that as I look at my schedule right now, I've got this chunk of time that starts at five AM and ends at six thirty, which is when the kids get up for school. Then there's a chunk of time that's just, breakfast, lunches. Get everything prepped. Get everything ready. Get the day going. Once they're settled, then I'm going to start my workday. I will tell you, because I'm the queen of ask for help, I have a nanny. I'm really blessed in that I have a nanny of four kids. I could not do the work that I'm doing if I didn't have her help. The kids' dad is as present as a father as I am as a mother, so definitely coparenting inside of the family. Then the other thing I would say is the schedule ends every day at five PM. Past five PM is clear. I know the things that I want to do because I'm really big on routine and ritual. Each one of my kids, there's a different bedtime routine that I go through with them. That's really important to me. I talked about, how do I want to show up as a mom? I freaking love teachers. I'm so grateful for teachers. If someone wants me to donate money or get cupcakes for the class bake sale, I am there. If you want me to volunteer my time, that is not a value. That's not a personal value that I have as a mom. My value with my kids is intentional time with them at home, so what happens in the morning, what happens at night, what happens on weekends. After five PM, it's clear again because that's just family time. That's kid time. By compartmentalizing my day like that, I am so much more productive with work. At five o'clock, I do not look at work. I'm not picking up my phone. I am not checking email. I am not on Slack because that time is for me and my kids.

 

Zibby: Wow. That's impressive and inspiring. Thank you.

 

Rachel: Just know, please know this took me years to get to this place. I would just make a little bit of progress over here. Then on that progress, I'd add another great little thing and another great little thing to get to the place that I am today. I don't think we go from zero to sixty overnight. I think that you just slowly try and weave in things that will be helpful to you. Then you build the foundation for the life that you want to have.

 

Zibby: That's great. If I could figure out how to cut out hours of emails after five PM, that would be very nice. [laughs] I'm working on it. I'm going to use the Rachel Hollis tools now. I feel empowered and all the rest.

 

Rachel: There you go. I know you're a reader. I just want to ask, have you read The One Thing by Gary Keller?

 

Zibby: I have not.

 

Rachel: Please put that on your list, especially as you're working on the show and you're trying to grow your platform, whatever that looks like, for people who are listening who are businessowners. Heck, you could look at it through the lens of having a better family. The idea in that book is Gary Keller, who is Keller Williams Real Estate, he talks about this idea that we all have this stuff. We have fifty million things that we want to do in our business, in our life. It helps you identify, what's the one thing that I could do that would make the rest of the list obsolete? If I pursue this one thing and I make traction against this one goal, everything else, it's like the tide coming into the harbor. All the boats rise. That's a really powerful tool, a really incredible read for anybody who feels like, oh, my gosh, there's so much going on. How do I even focus? The One Thing by Gary Keller.

 

Zibby: I'm buying it right this second. I'm on my phone as we're talking.

 

Rachel: Please do. You'll love it.

 

Zibby: It's in my cart. I'm checking out. Done. See, multitasking, there you go. [laughter]

 

Rachel: Perfect.

 

Zibby: This whole thing has been advice, but in terms of writing itself because we haven't talked too much about the actual writing, do you have advice to aspiring authors on how to get everything done or just any inspiring advice on that front?

 

Rachel: Yes. Honestly, I will give you a little tidbit. I got this request so often that I just did a podcast about this I want to say three weeks ago, four weeks ago. It is my most successful podcast of all time, which is wild. "The Rachel Hollis Podcast," it's called How to Write a Book. If you go look, it's just a few weeks old. It won't be hard to find. I share all of my wisdom. What it boils down to is, writing -- I don't care how much support you have from family and friends. I don't care if you don't have support. Writing is a really interesting thing because it is a solo endeavor. It doesn't matter what is going on in the world around you. You have to find the will to write down the words. I was at an author conference years ago. I was listening to a workshop given by Nora Roberts who has written ten million books. Someone raised their hand. They were like, "What's the trick? Tell me, how are you so productive?" Everyone's looking for the magic bullet or the thing that's going to -- can I buy something that's going to make this easier? or whatever. Nora said, "Yeah, I'll tell you how to finish. Sit your butt in the chair," except she didn't say butt. She said, "Sit your butt in the chair. Write the freaking words." She also didn't say freaking. This sweet, petite, polished older woman fully dropping F bombs was like, write the words. That's the trick. If you want this thing, there's a reason that not everybody does it. It's hard. You have to give yourself the permission to get to a first draft that's awful. You have to let yourself create. This is not just for writers. This is anybody who wants to create. You're going to have let your creation suck. If you don't let it suck so that you can get to the end of the first draft, you're never going to get to the polished book which comes in the eighth edit. Just let yourself have that freedom. Push yourself to finish. If you want all the other advice, go listen to the podcast.

 

Zibby: This is great. I wish I could interview you every day. [laughs]

 

Rachel: There you go. Here I am.

 

Zibby: Thank you. Wow. I hate to even end this, but I don't want to take too much of your time. I know I'm already over. Thank you so, so much for coming on "Moms Don't Have Time to Read Books" and sharing all of your tips and tricks. I know there are a bazillion more in the book, Didn't See That Coming. Your story with Oprah is going to stay with me the rest of the day. It was just awesome. The work you're doing is amazing. It was great to be able to chat with you.

 

Rachel: Thank you. I appreciate that.

 

Zibby: No problem. Have a great day.

 

Rachel: You too.

 

Zibby: Thanks. Buh-bye.

 

Rachel: Buh-bye.

Rachel Hollis.jpg

Julie Buxbaum, ADMISSION

Zibby Owens: Welcome, Julie. Thanks for coming on "Moms Don't Have Time to Read Books."

 

Julie Buxbaum: Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited to do this.

 

Zibby: Me too, finally. I feel like we met so long ago now. It was months and months. I'm delighted we're doing this.

 

Julie: Thank you.

 

Zibby: As I just was telling you, you're a really great writer. It was really a pleasure to read this book, and so topical. Can you please tell listeners what Admission is about?

 

Julie: Admission is about this girl, Chloe Wynn Berringer, who at first glance seems to have everything. She just got asked to the prom by the boy she's had a crush on since middle school. Her mom, who's a B-list celebrity, is on her way to the B+ list. She just got into the college of her dreams. She is living the life until one day her doorbell rings at six AM in the morning. The FBI shows up to arrest her mother in a nationwide college admissions scandal. From there, her entire life falls apart. It basically asks the question, first of all, what did Chloe know and when did she know it? Will her mother go to jail? Will she go to jail? More importantly, it fundamentally asks, what does it mean to be complicit?

 

Zibby: And what does it mean to want to achieve? What does the success really mean? What does achievement mean to her mom? What does it mean to her? Just adding my two cents.

 

Julie: Yep, and at what cost? What are we selling?

 

Zibby: At what cost? Exactly. You had this interesting note at the beginning about how you were mid-work on another novel and then this whole scandal broke. You felt you were cheating on the characters you had been writing on by wanting to write this book. Tell me what that process was like. What happened?

 

Julie: When the story broke, I started reading the articles just like everybody else, except I wasn't like everybody else. I became unhealthfully obsessed. It's all I could think about. I used to be a lawyer, and so I ended up reading the two-hundred-page complaint. I got suddenly really wrapped up in what wasn't being covered by the media. I felt like the media definitely focused on the adults, for good reason because they were the ones who were arrested. I kept thinking about what it must be like to wake up one morning and have your entire reality change fundamentally and what it must be like to be the teenagers at the center of this huge media fallout. Then I started thinking about this character, Chloe. I fully understood who she was from day one. Slowly, that story started to unfold in my mind. I knew exactly what was going to happen. I took a few days to just figure out if there was a full novel there before I sent that email to my agent and editor being like, hey, can I drop the book I'm writing and write this whole other thing? Is that okay? I just knew. Every once in a while as a writer, you can see the whole thing. It doesn't happen often. It's super lucky when it does. In this case, I could just see it. I did. I thought about it for a few days. Then I called my agent and editor. I was like, "Please don't kill me, but can I write this whole other book and put aside the hundred and fifty pages I've already written?" They were totally game. They were like, "Just as long as you write fast," and I did.

 

Zibby: What happened to those characters that you cheated on? What happened to that book?

 

Julie: I have reconciled with them. [laughter] We've been hanging out lately. I'm working on that book now.

 

Zibby: See, so it all worked out.

 

Julie: It did. It's funny. I kind of feel like they're still a little mad at me. They're a little bit slower to show themselves. It hasn’t been as natural a process as Admission was. It's partially, I think, because I left them. They're like, I'm a little pissed off, Julie. I'm not going to reveal myself as easily this time.

 

Zibby: There is no lack of you bringing your characters to life. You are in conversation with them. I guess that's what it takes. To make them seem so real in a book, you have to actually believe that they're real.

 

Julie: They do feel very real to me. I realize that sounds a little bananas. Often in the novel-writing process, there seems to be some outer force that you can't control. You just have to let yourself be open to it. Sometimes it's easier and sometimes it's harder, which is probably one of the most frustrating things about what I do.

 

Zibby: I have to say, I feel like some characters in fiction are so real that I still think about them the way I would an old friend. As the writer, you must have to have that to the nth degree to be able to convey that to the reader. I mean, this is obvious. [laughs]

 

Julie: One weird thing about that, though, is they feel so real to me when I'm writing the book, but once the book is out in the world, I actually completely let them go and stop thinking about them. They sort of now no longer belong to me and now belong to the reader, which is something I didn't expect. Often, I'll revisit a book I'd previously written for some reason, maybe an interview or something. I'll be like, oh, my god, I have no memory of having written any of this. It happened in a whole other state. It's really bizarre.

 

Zibby: That's sort of how I feel about the kids' whole childhoods, the beginning years. I'm like, I know I was there. I see the pictures. I don't know what your first word was. I don't remember. [laughs]

 

Julie: There's no processing whatsoever. You're just getting through it.

 

Zibby: Yeah, just getting through.

 

Julie: The whole thing is like childbirth, I think. Making books and childbirth are ridiculously similar. One's a little uglier.

 

Zibby: I feel like, though, the way you're saying about sending your kids into the world, you're almost a surrogate. You're acting as a surrogate for the child versus the mother, in a way, because then you just say goodbye.

 

Julie: You hand it off. Exactly. I think surrogacy is actually a really great example.

 

Zibby: Now that we nailed that... [laughter] Like you, by the way, I was totally riveted and obsessed with the admissions scandal, probably not quite as deep a dive into the whole thing as you took. It was hard not to wonder and think about, oh, my gosh, these poor kids if they didn't know. Or did they know? If they didn't know, how that would feel and to feel like that their parents had so little faith in them, in a way, that they would be willing to do all of this behind their backs. What does that say about their confidence? How are these kids going to process? When you were doing all this research, did you end up talking to any of the actual people this happened to or any celebrity children or people who have had some scandal like this happen to them? Was it more your imagination?

 

Julie: No, I intentionally didn't because I wanted to make sure I told my character's story, and that's a fictional story. I wasn't trying to tell the actual college admissions story. Those people will probably write their own books one day. I didn't want to steal their stories. I was more interested in this particular character who is wrestling with what she knew and what she didn't know. I found I had real empathy for her, but I didn't always like her. I thought that was important as the author, not to be a hundred percent on board with everything she did because she made a million mistakes throughout the book. What was more interesting to me was the thematic concept of willful ignorance and doing a deep dive into when we know things but don't really know them, or we know things but we don't want to know them, and what that feels like in our bodies and our minds. I did do some research on shame and vulnerability, though.

 

Zibby: Not that you had to. I was just wondering. When Chloe tells her mom when she overhears her mom trying to basically sell her diagnosis of ADHD which she doesn't even have so that she can take her SATs on time, she was like, "Time isn't the problem. Not being able to figure out the answers is." Tell me about this, how she first started to get some glimmers and how that came to be.

 

Julie: I think what's so interesting about the college admissions scandal is that it's so much bigger than the college admissions scandal. It just sort of highlights all these bigger issues that are going on in society. The people who were arrested in the college admissions scandal are not the first people to get their kids a diagnosis to get them better times on a test. This has been going on for years and years and years where people literally pay a doctor to give their kids a diagnosis so they get more time on a test not only in high school, but for when they go to college so they can do better there too. It's just one of the many ways in which people who have a lot of money can buy their way into better outcomes for their children. It's this interesting space where kids who are at the center of it may or may not know whether a diagnosis actually fits. They're not an expert. An adult is telling them that it fits. It goes along with this whole thematic question of over-trusting experts, in a sense, buying your way into more information as opposed to trusting your instincts.

 

Zibby: Interesting. Do you feel like your book is trying to give some sort of lesson or take a point of view on it? Were you trying to do that, or were you just trying to paint the picture and let the reader decide?

 

Julie: I don't like to moralize. Instead, I like to have characters wrestle with questions. I think a lot of these questions don't actually have answers, or definitive answers at least. Instead of taking this higher moral ground, instead, I just wanted to examine these questions that have come up for these particular people and also come up in my everyday life too as a parent.

 

Zibby: It's so true. It's always like, how do you make sure your kid has the opportunities for success, but within reason? They are who they are. That's why I feel one of the saddest parts is maybe Chloe, she shouldn't be at that particular school. That's not going to be the right college for her. Maybe she’d be really happy at a different college that would be a much better fit, and not just Chloe, but so many people. I personally have moved my kids' schools so many times because I really believe they need the right school for them. It might have a great name and all, but if it's not the right fit, it is not going to do anyone any favors in the long run. I think that even when I pulled my kid out of one school, people are like, you're so brave. I'm like, I'm not brave. This is my child. I'm trying to maintain their sanity.

 

Julie: I think that's exactly right, but I think it's really difficult to figure out actually what the right thing is for your kid when you're living in this larger community of people who are telling you something different than what you believe. If my neighbor's kid is having her daughter take Mandarin in fourth grade, should my daughter be taking Mandarin? No, my daughter should not be taking Mandarin. She's not interested in Mandarin. There's always this moment of, if my larger community is doing something and all these other kids are getting this advantage, am I hurting my child by taking this different stand? I think it gets really complicated.

 

Zibby: It's really a shame because I feel like in mothering or parenting or fathering or whatever, these questions come up. It's almost like you're being taught to not trust your instincts at all, and in the most intimate relationship in your entire life where you know the person better than anything. It really, actually, makes no sense when you think about it. I'm just like you. Oh, everybody signed up for this class. I don't know. Do I care if my daughter can needlepoint, whatever it is that everybody seems to be doing when I know it's not right?

 

Julie: I totally agree. I think there's also this weird culture of putting your kids first above the community. That's also really uncomfortable. I haven't quite figured out how you make that all work. I'm trying to think of a really basic example. There was this piece in New York magazine maybe five, ten years ago. I remember reading it. It stuck with me. They posed this question about ethical parenting. One of the questions they said is, say your kid has this really important standardized test tomorrow, but just before your kids goes to bed you notice they have lice. Do you keep them up late combing out the lice, or do you pretend like you haven't seen the lice and you send your kid to school to take the standardized test so they won't be tired and they’ll be best prepared but your kid probably knows you know they have lice? What lesson are you teaching your kid by sending them with lice? What lesson are you teaching your kid by keeping them home up too late for the SAT or whatever test it is? There are a million micro-examples of this in parenting where you have to balance -- I think a lot of people tend to put their kid above the community when we should be putting the community above our kids.

 

Zibby: I'm talking to you now in the midst of the coronavirus. We're all stuck at home. This is so timely.

 

Julie: We're all hoarding toilet paper because we want to make sure that we have enough at the expense of our neighbors. I know I've spent many hours talking to my friends about, what is hoarding here? If I can get that extra box of wipes, should I? Should I save it for someone else? It's impossible to know any of these answers. I feel like the first step, at least, is to notice our privilege and to grapple with it.

 

Zibby: The grocery store where I am ended up limiting people to two items. You could only take two of the same types of items. They were policing it at the end because there was no internals checks and balances. It's obviously hard for everybody to know.

 

Julie: And then also to remember that we're talking about toilet paper in the coronavirus. Five seconds ago, I was talking about Mandarin lessons. Mandarin lessons do not matter. [laughs] As parents, we sort of forget our privilege bubbles. For a second, it does seem like it matters, but it doesn't matter.

 

Zibby: No, it doesn't matter. None of it matters, really. Now that we're home, all those extracurriculars, we don't need them. I don't know about you. My kids are in school. Then they had stuff after school, especially my littlest guy who's still in preschool. Now all the after-school places are getting in touch to be like, we've developed a Zoom thing for after school. I'm like, no way. If I could get them through a couple hours of school, are you kidding me? Forget it. He'll just play. During the year at school, you don't say that. You don't have that same attitude.

 

Julie: I think there's something really important about teaching our kids, first of all, how to be bored, how to be resilient. These are the exact opposite of the things that are taught by overscheduling them and making sure they're taking Mandarin and everything. I don't know why I keep bringing up Mandarin as the example, but I think you get my point.

 

Zibby: Yeah, I get your point.

 

Julie: [laughs] I feel like I'm going so way off topic. I'm so sorry.

 

Zibby: No. You know what? I find this really interesting. This is what it's all about. Everybody out there who has a child or who has friends with children or whatever, this is the culture. This is the pressure. Your book is just a total perfect example. It's the cherry on top of the whole thing. That's the wrong analogy. This is like the -- [laughs] I can't even find the words -- the extreme example of the whole phenomenon. I think it's topical.

 

Julie: The reason why it struck such a chord with so many people, the scandal itself, is I think it works its way down through all segments of society. It's not just the very top. I think middle-class parents are also struggling to keep their kids doing all these things. Competitive parenting has sort of taken over as the model and the dream. Not dream, the parenting you're supposed to be doing when in fact it's making all of us struggle.

 

Zibby: When does it end? When is it okay? Is it okay to have an SAT tutor? All these things that we take for granted. Should nobody go out and buy those SAT books? How far back do we have to go?

 

Julie: That's one of the questions I wanted to ask with the book. I don't know. My character starts to question all of those things. This is someone with great privilege who hasn’t actually taken the time to examine her own privilege. One of the great joys of the book was forcing her to do that.

 

Zibby: I love how in the beginning her mother -- and I love how you say going from a B to a B+ actress. How does one even know that they're crossing that threshold? That's my question. In the beginning, she has this whole photoshoot for, I think, Marie Claire where she's making pancakes. She's dressed in all color-coordinating clothes. Her friend comes over and is like, basically, "What's up with your mother?" She's like, "Oh, no, photoshoot. She would never be doing this on a Saturday morning. That's not the type of mom she is." It also raises into question just the very crux of the mother-child or parent-child relationship and that trust. I know I mentioned this before. What does it say if your mother is saying that she doesn't believe in you, really? What does that mean?

 

Julie: Exactly. One thing that was really important to me when writing the book is, yes, the mom is the villain of the story. At no point does anyone question her guilt except for maybe the mom herself. Everyone else knows she is guilty. That is at no point part of the story. She is also an incredibly loving mother and cares deeply about her child. Obviously, she goes about it completely the wrong way, but at no point do we doubt whether she loves Chloe and wants what's best for her. She just got confused, I guess. That's probably the kindest way to put it, messed up in her own way of trying to do what was best for her daughter, also what was best for her. There's a whole reputational angle to all of this as well. It poses the question about whether this kind of parenting, this hyper-snowplow, clearing all obstacles for your kid so your kids can climb as high as they can possibly climb is actually what's best for children. It teaches them that we don't think they're capable. Whether they see it or not, they eventually learn that lesson that they couldn't do it on their own. I think that's really dangerous. That's what we see Chloe coming to terms with.

 

Zibby: You did a good job. I feel like this such a good book club type -- people are going to sit around and be like, what do you think? What would you do in that situation? It's such a conversation starter because it's a topic that's on all of our minds. It's great.

 

Julie: If anyone out there is doing any Zoom book clubs, I am free because I am not leaving my house.

 

Zibby: I just started a Zoom book club, actually.

 

Julie: I saw. That's awesome.

 

Zibby: I just did that. Maybe we can make that work. Let's see what else. One thing that I also thought really propelled this story along was how you did alternating chapters between now and then until it basically all came together. That was so cool. How did you come up with that? Was that part of your initial vision when you saw the whole thing?

 

Julie: Yes, exactly. I knew that from the very beginning. I had never done a before and now type thing. With this particular story, I felt like it needed it for narrative suspense because the then of her -- let me just explain what it is in the book. The book starts with the FBI coming and arresting Chloe's mom. Then it flips back to the fall of her senior year when she's applying to colleges. Then each chapter goes back and forth between then and now. I felt like the narrative suspense of the then needed us to already know what happened in the now. Each action, we're watching from this way higher narrative level of knowing what's really happening while Chloe doesn't actually. I felt like the narrative suspense wasn't, did they cheat? The narrative suspense is Chloe's awareness of how much they cheated and when.

 

Zibby: Yeah, which is super interesting.

 

Julie: I felt like it unfolds in a different way because of that.

 

Zibby: It made it really page turning, plus the short chapters. It wasn't a thriller at all, but it had that same kind of intensity, pacing, as one of those types of books, I thought.

 

Julie: Thank you. I really wanted it to be propulsive. I wanted you not to want to put it down.

 

Zibby: I was going to say propulsive, but I feel like I've been using that word so often. [laughs]

 

Julie: It's a slightly gross word, right?

 

Zibby: At first, I heard it and I was like, ooh, propulsive. Then I overused it. Now I've put propulsive back in the drawer for now. But yes, propulsive.

 

Julie: I feel like it's kind of like moist. It just has a slightly off grossness to it.

 

Zibby: [laughs] In terms of what's next, you're working on your new/old novel and resurrecting it. Is that your full time -- are you able to work on it now while you're in isolation?

 

Julie: Not really. I'm trying. I'm trying very hard. I'll be honest. I have not figured out my quarantine rhythm. Having two kids home, homeschooling, keeping my house in order, cooking three meals a day plus snacks -- so many snacks. I don't understand all the snacks. My kids want dinner every night. Every night, they want to eat. Theoretically, I am writing, but I have not actually had the focus required to write the way I need to write right now. I actually haven't been reading as much as I want to be. I find my brain is so scattered, but I'm trying. I'm hoping next week I'll figure it out.

 

Zibby: I've been hearing that a lot. You're not alone in that.

 

Julie: I need to quit Twitter. I think that’ll change things for me.

 

Zibby: I do not let myself look at the news until the evening otherwise I can't get anything done during the day. That's my newest thing. The world could burn down. If something major happens, my husband will tell me. I don't look. I just don't look.

 

Julie: That's really smart.

 

Zibby: What advice do you have to aspiring authors?

 

Julie: My number-one piece of advice to aspiring authors is to read, and to read everything, but not to read as a reader but to read as a writer. When you're reading a book and it particularly works for you and it's flowing and it's magic, stop the magic, rewind, and figure out why it's magical. Why does this character matter to you? Why is this plot interesting? On a sentence level, why is the prose singing for you? If you're reading a book and it kind of isn't capturing you, do exactly the same thing. Ask the questions. Why isn't it working? What is this author doing? What is this author doing right? What is this author doing wrong? Every book is a masterclass in novel writing. Then sit your ass down and write. That's the other important tip. You got to write.

 

Zibby: I love that. Thank you, Julie. Thanks for coming on "Moms Don't Have Time to Read Books." Thanks for the book and this really interesting discussion.

 

Julie: Thanks so much for having me. I probably should've talked more about the book. I'm sorry I went off on this whole -- [laughs].

 

Zibby: No, this is all related to the book. It's not like we were talking about learning bridge or something.

 

Julie: How to source toilet paper. We didn't go there.

 

Zibby: Exactly. [laughter] Hang in there. Take care. Thank you. Bye.

 

Julie: Thank you so much, Zibby. Bye.

Julie Buxbaum.jpg

Hope Edelman, THE AFTERGRIEF

Zibby Owens: Welcome, Hope. Thank you so much for coming on "Moms Don't Have Time to Read Books" to discuss The AfterGrief, which I'm trying to show here, Finding Your Way Along the Long Arc of Loss. It's such a pleasure to be with you today.

 

Hope Edelman: Thank you so much, Zibby.

 

Zibby: Would you mind please telling listeners what your latest book is about and what inspired you to write it?

 

Hope: My first book and several of my books were about early mother loss. I wrote a book about the long-term effects of losing a mom when you're a child, teenager, or young adult because that was my story. I was seventeen years old when my mother died of breast cancer. There were no books for girls like me or adults like me who had lost a mom when she was younger. Then over the years, I started living more into my own experience. I discovered that even decades later this early loss was still coming up for me in new and different ways, some that I could anticipate or expect and others that just blindsided me. At that point, I knew lots of women in the Motherless Daughters community. I'd met a number of their brothers. I had a lot of friends who had lost fathers or siblings. They were telling the same story that the experience of grief was much more protracted and, in fact, extended over a lifetime in some ways.

 

That's how The AfterGrief came out. That's what I'm calling the period that comes after that acute phase of grief when we're really wondering how we're going to make it through every day without this person in our life. Then slowly, slowly, the intense pain starts to recede. We enter this next phase where we're adjusting and adapting to the loss constantly over time. That's what I call the aftergrief. I interviewed eighty-one people who had lost parents, siblings, close friends, or romantic partners, most of them before the age of thirty, and then asked them how that kept showing up for them ten, twenty, thirty years later. In my case, thirty-nine years since my mother and sixteen years since my father died. They're still a big part of my life. I think of them all the time. I miss them from time to time, sometimes very painfully still.

 

Zibby: It doesn't matter how much time has gone by. If you're missing something that you perceive to be so central to you, it never really goes away. Does it? It doesn't really ever disappear.

 

Hope: I don't think so. That's why I think that expecting things to last a certain amount of time or using measurements of time often backfires on us. I'm frequently asked, how long before I move from the acute phase of grief into the aftergrief? People want to have an idea on what calendar date they're going to cross the threshold. I can't answer that question for anybody. It's so individual. For some people, three months. For some people, six. For some people, two years. It depends on so many factors. I think once we release ourself from this idea that there's going to be an end point on the calendar and learn how to just move with the ebbs and the flows and think in terms of intensity and duration rather than an end point, it's a much kinder and gentler way to move forward without someone important in our life.

 

Zibby: You point out so aptly that most employers give people maybe no time, maybe two weeks. You think you're supposed to be back on your feet. Of course, that's impossible. Two weeks is nothing. You can barely put your shoes on two weeks later.

 

Hope: Oh, Zibby, the average is three days of paid leave.

 

Zibby: Three days, oh, my gosh.

 

Hope: That's the average for the American worker, three days of bereavement leave. Then you need to take personal days, sick days, or if you have mental health days, maybe, at your company, or you have to start going into unpaid time off in order to sufficiently mourn the person who died. In many cultures, three days isn't even enough time to have the funeral because there are preparations and there are rituals that you need to go through. People are going into unpaid time off just in order to mourn their dead, which I think actually is a tragedy in this culture.

 

Zibby: Not to mention the fact that you're so cognitively impaired when you are in the intense beginnings of grief, for the most part. The idea that you have to go through all that sludge and then perform at work as if you were at the top of your game is close to impossible. It's not even good practice for the companies to have employees who are a fraction of themselves. If you just gave them a little bit more time, it might help. Anyway, I don't know why I've even gotten into this.

 

Hope: For some people, work is a really welcome distraction because they can compartmentalize really well. Then they feel like, okay, I can just leave the intense distress over here. I can go to work and get some relief and then come back. Not everybody can do that. Those who can't, I think, shouldn't be expected to.

 

Zibby: You're right. You're absolutely right. Work can be a total refuge. You had so many passages that I found so interesting. You wrote, "A terrible disconnect exists between what the average person thinks grief should look and feel like -- typically, a series of progressive, time-limited stages that end in a state of closure -- and how grief, that artful dodger, actually behaves. This means a whole lot of people getting stuck in the gap between what they’ve been told to expect after someone dies and what they actually encounter when it happens." I loved your expression the artful dodger so much that I wrote it here in blue Sharpie because it's such a good description. It's something that comes in and out and creeps. It's that creeping feeling. You don't know where it's going. It's so sneaky, almost.

 

Hope: Right. I'm also a child of the seventies. I grew up on Oliver. Remember the Artful Dodger?

 

Zibby: Yeah, me too. I knew where it came from. [laughs]

 

Hope: That little boy with the black hair dancing in the streets of [indiscernible] London.

 

Zibby: I'm pretty sure my brother was the Artful Dodger in that play. Now I might be wrong, so forget it. You also wrote that "Mourners who are able to make meaning of their experiences exhibit lower levels of complicated grief and better mental and physical health later on. In fact, making meaning after a trauma is the most powerful predictor of good long-term outcome among adults." I wanted you to discuss this notion of complicated grief versus whatever the opposite is, regular grief.

 

Hope: Complicated grief is a term that's used to describe about fifteen percent of mourners who can't seem to get out of that acute phase of grief. It's like the grief channel gets stuck on high or it gets stuck twenty-four/seven. They're not able to compartmentalize and go to work and come back. They're at a high level of distress and can't turn the nob down. It's now believed that those are typically people who have preexisting susceptibility to anxiety or depression. That gets really amped up when somebody they love dies. It is about fifteen percent of the population. The rest of us, over time, figure out how to adapt on our own. I think there are still mourners' needs. I would even create the mourners' bill of rights, things that we really need and deserve in order to adapt well on our own. Not everybody needs therapy. Not everybody is a talker and needs to talk it out. I think we all need some form of self-expression. We all need some sense of safety and security in order to grieve, which is why some people experience postponed or delayed grief. Complicated grief is a known category within the bereavement field. It affects about fifteen percent of people. They really do need some professional assistance in order to work through whatever trauma they may have that's lingering or feelings of remorse or guilt or anxiety or depression that needs to be addressed concurrently with their bereavement needs.

 

Zibby: I'm actually surprised. I felt like the statistics on what percent of the population has anxiety or depression would make me think that far more than fifteen percent would have complicated grief. I don't know what the rates are off the top of my head.

 

Hope: They say complicated grief. That's a term in the bereavement world to explain the people who are really at the highest level of distress and can't get out of it on their own, but I think everyone's grief is complicated. You had a difficult relationship with that person. It can be complicated because you have children to take of and you need to attend to their needs over losing a grandparent, for example, or a mom or a dad, and don't have time to attend to your own. Those are complications that can arise with grief. A number of people who have anxiety and depression can manage it on their own or are already managing it when grief comes. This fifteen percent, typically, it's like the volume knob gets turned all the way up, like I said, and they're not able to turn it down on their own or with the assistance of the people they already have on their team.

 

Zibby: You mentioned how much therapy and talking can help, but that obviously some people are not talkers. What if you have someone who ends up in the fifteen percent who doesn’t find talking helpful? How do you help that person if therapy doesn't help?

 

Hope: I recommend that anyone in the fifteen percent work with a bereavement professional or especially a trauma-informed bereavement professional if the loss was due to a traumatic form of death like a suicide or a homicide or an accident that was disfiguring. Sometimes really watching someone suffer for a long period of time is traumatic for us. There's something called shock trauma which is when something happens very suddenly and unexpectedly. There's also a category called strain trauma which is taking care of someone or watching someone who's ill deteriorate over a long period of time. I would recommend almost anyone in the fifteen percent who feels like they might not be able to -- they can decide, is that for six weeks they're too sad to get out of bed? That's serious. Is it six months later they still can't concentrate at work because they're still having images or flashbacks about how the loved one died? Those might be examples of complicated grief. I think that everyone needs a form of self-expression. It doesn't have to be talking. Some of us are talkers and we don't have anyone who will listen. People shut us down. They don't want to hear. Especially months later, they feel like we should be over it, which is why the introduction to the book is called Getting Over Getting Over It. I think we just have to get past this idea as a culture that grief is something we get over. Forms of artistic expression or physical activities are also terrific ways to externalize our feelings, whether we're doing it through cardio or we're doing it through dance or writing. Writing and journaling is known to be a really excellent way of helping people release and process the emotions that come with grief.

 

Zibby: I think reading too. I know it's more of a receptive type of act versus productive. I think taking in other people's stories and having that in your head make sense with your own can help.

 

Hope: I think so. I think that's why certain book clubs can be really helpful if people are really responding to the material or reading book like The AfterGrief and then talking about it with somebody. That's bibliotherapy and a form of talk therapy. You just need a compassionate other that you can confide in. It's really important, really, really important. All the research shows that -- this was one of the most fascinating things I learned when I wrote this book. It was a subset of social psychology. It's also a form of psychology called constructivist psychology. It's about how we make sense of the world around us. This is how we make meaning. We do it by creating a story that tells what happened and that makes sense to us. Sometimes that's hard when someone dies if we don't know all the facts or we don't really understand what happened or why or we weren’t there to witness it and we have to piece it together from other people's accounts. That can take a while.

 

We need to create a story that makes sense to us emotionally and cognitively. There's something called the story development phase after a death where the survivors piece together the story to make sense of it. Oftentimes we find that even within a family, members don't have the same story to explain what happened. They may make a different meaning out of the loss as a result. We see that a lot when a parent dies. Siblings have different stories about what happened and what it meant to them and what it means to the family as a whole. After you create that story, you really need to be able to tell it in some way, whether it's writing it out as a memoir or putting it in your journal or talking to a friend or talking about it in therapy. The confiding part of story development is extremely important, psychologists have found, for people's adjustment over time. You have to be able to share that story in some way, whether it's with one person or the public at large.

 

Zibby: Maybe this is why I post on Instagram all the time when I'm going through grief. I'm so mortified by it now. That's how I process everything. I know I'm not alone in that.

 

Hope: Social media gives us an opportunity to confide. Even if we're doing it with a long list of strangers, we are still putting it out there in the world in some way and getting some feedback.

 

Zibby: I was also so interested in your book that you went back to the women who you had interviewed years and years ago for your Motherless Daughters first book. I loved the image of you rooting through files and being like, who can I google and find information about at this point? You reunited with, I think you said something like twenty or fourteen or something like that of the original crew and then interviewed them along with other people. What were your main findings?

 

Hope: That was something else. I felt like the Edleman PI firm for a while trying to track down these women. It had been twenty-seven years since I had first interviewed them for Motherless Daughters. A lot of their last names had changed. They had gotten married or they'd gotten divorced. A few of them had passed away. Some of them, I just couldn't locate. It wasn't really that sophisticated, to be honest. My private investigating firm was not really that high level. It was mostly Google and Whitepages and Facebook and LinkedIn. A couple of the women I had kept in touch with over the years. I was really young. I was twenty-eight years old living in New York. This was before the internet. I had found these people by putting an ad in the back of The Village Voice or word of mouth. I traveled to a couple other cities. These women had now dispersed all over the world twenty-seven years later. I had sat down with them one on one and taped the interviews. Some of the interviews went on for two, three, four hours, really extensive, in-depth interviews. Then I had to use portions of it in the book and kept in touch with some of them after the book came out. They were all pseudonyms in the book.

 

I couldn't not find, when I was writing The AfterGrief, any studies that had tracked people over decades also to see how their stories had changed and evolved. When I say we make a story of the loss to make sense of it, that story, it's always in motion. It's always in a state of evolution. We're going to reach a point in our development later when we're going to look back at those same set of facts and we really see them differently. New information might come in. We might meet someone that tells us something about our loved one that we didn't know that maybe changes our perspective a bit. I was really interested. How do stories change over time, stories of loss? There weren’t any studies. No studies tracked people longer than about seven years at the most. That's because it's expensive to have a study that lasts that long. It's hard to keep participants in it for that long. There are all kinds of scientific reasons why those studies would be difficult to maintain. I couldn't find anything that tracked people over decades. Then I remembered, oh, I have all these transcripts of interviews and tapes from these interviews that I did with the original Motherless Daughters. There were ninety-four of them. I managed to find about eighteen without doing too much work, a couple days up to weeks of searching for them. I located eighteen of them and was able to reach them through emails or through LinkedIn or through Facebook. I think seventeen of them agreed to be reinterviewed.

 

I reconnected with a number of them in person because they still lived in New York. I flew out to New York. I sat down with them again twenty-seven, twenty-eight years later, and the rest of them by Skype or FaceTime, always seeing each other. It was extraordinary. It was extraordinary to see each other again after all this time. I learned that their stories were very dynamic. Obviously, they changed a lot. Most of these women had been in their twenties and thirties when I first spoke with them. Now they had had very rich and full lives. They'd been married. Some of them had been divorced. Some of them had children or they were single moms. A number of them had lost their fathers as well by that point or had other major losses in their lives. I said, just as I had the first time, "I'm just going to ask you to tell me your story of mother loss. Start wherever you'd like. Tell me the story." The second time, I said, "As if we've never talked before. I want to see what your story looks like now or sounds like now." I asked the same kinds of questions I had the first time, but not leading questions. I was just asking them to fill in some part of it that I thought could be flushed out more. Then we sat down together or separately but together and looked at the original transcript and looked at the one that came several decades later.

 

It was really fascinating to see which parts of the story that had been so important to them when they were younger didn't even show up on the later version and which parts did show up almost verbatim because it had been important parts that they'd been telling over the years, so they were telling it exactly the same way. What really struck me, Zibby, was how many of them talked about that first interview as a watershed moment in their story. I think it was, for many of them, the first time they had been able to confide in someone. They had been carrying a story for all these years. People had told them, you should be over it by now. It's in the past. Don't wallow. Don't dwell. Family members maybe didn't want them to talk about it or had silenced them, in some cases very deliberately. It was the first time that someone said, I want to hear your story, and I want to hear all of it. I'm going to give you hours to tell it. Quite a few of them said, that interview was a real turning point for me. It was when I feel like my healing really advanced or, in some cases, really began because somebody wanted to hear it. I didn't have to carry it alone anymore.

 

Zibby: Wow. That must have made you feel really good.

 

Hope: It did, but all those interviews helped me as much as they helped them because I was on the same journey that they were. I was as thankful to all of them as they were to me. Those original interviews were really more of a conversation than a Q&A.

 

Zibby: If there is somebody who has recently lost a mother, or say in the last five years, knowing what you have researched about the aftergrief, what can they expect in twenty-some-odd years?

 

Hope: You can expect that there will be certain moments when that loss feels almost fresh and new and painful again. That's because they might be experiencing it in a new way. There's a category of grief that I identified in this book that I call new old grief. That's when we experience an old loss in a new way. We can't grieve the loss of the person in this capacity until we get there. For example, I was seventeen when my mom died. I was thirty-three when my first daughter was born. There was absolutely no way I could grieve my mother's absence as a grandmother or as a resource to me as a new mom when I was seventeen. I couldn't even have those emotions when I was pregnant with my daughter. Although, I felt them coming. I really could only miss her that way and understand what she had lost when my daughter was there in my arms, healthy. It was sixteen years after my mom had died. Even after all the work I'd done, you'd think that I, more than anyone, wrote this book, have been traveling the world talking about mother loss, that I would have a handle on this. It turned out that, no, I was no different from anybody else. I was still mourning the loss of my mom as a new mom in a way that I couldn't before.

 

Then another big one, and this is a big transition for women too, is when you reach and pass the age your mother was when she was died. If your mom died young, most of us are going to do that. I've worked with women. I'm also a grief and loss coach. I've worked with clients whose moms died when they were twenty-nine, thirty-five. My mom was forty-two. This is young. Forty-two was a really wonky year for me. I was like, wow, I'm as old as my mom was. When I was seventeen, she seemed so old. Forty-two is not very old. Then I turned forty-three. That was like, whoa, I'm older than my mom got to be. My inner relationship with her and my inner representation of her really needed to shift, especially as I got even older and then I'm looking back at her. I think women who have lost their moms just a few years ago can be aware that that's ahead. I'm creating resources, and there are resources that exist. I'm actually working with people now who help create rituals to offer free templates for a way to honor reaching your mom's age and passing it and also for acknowledging death anniversaries every year, particularly significant ones like the first, the tenth, the twentieth, almost like wedding anniversaries.

 

We have ways to acknowledge wedding anniversaries, like a twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, but we don't have any way to acknowledge, wow, my dad or my mom has been gone for twenty years. That's a long time. I want to do something. I don't know what. There's nothing in the culture that we can do. If you have a culture within American culture, there may be some kind of ritual that your family might perform like a Day of the Dead celebration or ceremony. If you're Jewish, you can light a candle. Once we're done with a funeral in American culture, there really isn't a whole lot of ritual for us to connect with, to maintain those connections, and to bind the past, the present, and the future for a sense of continuity and allow that person to walk forward with us in a meaningful way. I know there are a number of initiatives happening now, especially in the COVID era, to help people through these transitions. My hope is that they will extend to the larger culture over time.

 

Zibby: I hope so. I feel like there's such a lack. You're so right. Everybody at some point or another -- I guess maybe not every single person. Almost every single person goes through losing somebody at some point in their lives. Yet there's not that much. There are experts like you. There are obviously books on grieving and things like that, but that's not enough. Your message, your ability to scale it, is so important, and having things be a part of life as opposed to -- we all know, okay, we go to a memorial service. Then what? There should be a hundred percent more goalposts and ways that the community can help you too. I'm not sure if I mentioned in an email, but we lost my mother-in-law and grandmother-in-law both within six weeks this summer. I have my husband, who's thirty-eight, and my sister-in-law, who's thirty-three, they’ve been living with the kids and me this whole time. We've been going through this process together. Especially in COVID times, there's no community that you can be a part of. It's all virtual. Maybe a cousin will check in on text, but it's not like what you had before. There are so many, many, many people who are going through this right now, not just for COVID, but in so many ways. What would you say to that, not my story itself, but the probably millions of people who can't be with somebody who's grieving or feels they're doing it more or less alone?

 

Hope: I know. This is so important right now. It's really important. A hundred and twenty years ago, grieving was a social phenomenon. People came together. The village gathered to mourn the passing of one of their own. Our facsimile of that now that has survived 120 years of Western culture is the funeral and the eulogy and the memorial service and, in some cases, the celebration of life. It doesn't extend much beyond the event itself, but it's something because it brings people together. They sit and they listen to stories. They share stories. They even laugh about warm and funny memories that they can share. It's much harder to do that now. I think the Zoom funerals and Zoom memorials don't really fulfill the need that especially the mourners have for human companionship and human touch. That said, they do offer an opportunity for people who can't physically get to a funeral to still be part of the village, people who can't afford to fly on short notice or can't leave children or can't leave work and otherwise would not be able to take part in the ritual. My hope is that we get back to in-person gatherings and memorials as soon as we can, as soon as it's safe, but that we also livestream them so that the people who can't make it can still be part of that village, and the village is more expansive. Our villages now are dispersed. They're not all in the same geographic perimeter. Our villages are spread out all over the world in some cases. We want to find a way to bring them together.

 

People have asked me or said, we've had to postpone the funeral or memorial for our loved one who died, and not just to COVID. People are dying of all other causes as well in the past nine months. They’ve said to me, what do you think? It may be another year before we can do it. I said, doesn't matter. Where's the law that says the celebration of life has to occur within the first week or two after a death, or the first month? There really is no written guideline or mandate that says we have to do it within a certain period of time. Again, I think we have let go of our idea of the calendar structure and say, we'll do it when we can. It's really important. I say, if you can't do it for another two years, people are still going to remember your loved one. They're still going to have stories of the person who died. We're going to find out what it means to us to come together a year or two later instead of doing it right after. We might find, in some ways, that it's actually richer and more meaningful. I don't know because we haven't tried it yet. I think it's really important that we do it no matter how long we have to wait.

 

Zibby: It would be nice if each year on the anniversary or the birthday or the death or something that there was an event or something that marked it, not just for you. I think it's great, all you're advocating for and all the rest. Tell me a little more about your work as an author on top of a researcher and coach and grief counselor. Now you're doing all these live seminars. I saw on Instagram you have a new six-week course or something coming up. Tell me a little bit about that and then also when it is you managed to fit all of this into your life.

 

Hope: I do offer online courses and online support groups now. This is kind of an offshoot of the retreats that I was leading in person. Claire Bidwell Smith, author, therapist, friend of yours, and I in 2016 started offering live retreats for motherless daughters who really wanted to meet other women who could understand their experiences as adults. We started in Ojai, California, with twenty-three women. That grew into a whole company that I'm now moving forward. Thirteen retreats have been done, one of them virtually, twelve of them in person. We do ones for women who were children and teenagers when their moms died. I've done one for women who were just in their twenties, a couple for women who were adults when their moms died. The needs of those groups are very different. When COVID came, I started moving into more online offerings. Yes, I do offer some online courses. I also do individual and group coaching.

 

How do I fit it in? My kids are older now. It would've been almost impossible to do it when they were younger at this level because not having had a mom after the age of seventeen, I was really committed to being a mom who was present and gave my kids as much of me as possible. They're now twenty-three and almost nineteen. My youngest one just started college in September. I'm able to dive more fully into these kinds of offerings. It just happened to coincide with COVID and this incredible need for grief awareness and grief education and grief advocacy. It is a little bit of being at the right place at the right time. Maybe I should say the right place at the wrong time because nobody would've wanted to think of COVID as the right time, of course. There's an expanded need for this work. I'm just trying to fill those gaps.

 

Zibby: Excellent. Do you have any advice -- I'm going to ask two questions -- any advice to aspiring authors, particularly of your type of work that involves a lot of research and more analytical thinking mixed with memoir, and also to those who have a relationship with grief that they continue to wrestle with?

 

Hope: In terms of writing, I write straight memoir too, short pieces and long form as well. This book is a hybrid. This book integrates my own story with research. I became, in a way, someone who tried to decode my own experience and understand it. It combines research, interview, and personal writing. I find it difficult to maintain a really solid writing schedule, and so I binge-write. I'll go away for four or five days. I'll take everything else off my calendar. That's how I've written most of my books. I've just had to binge-write them. Same thing for this book. The majority of this book was written between February and June of this year because COVID took everything else off my schedule. I just sat down at my dining room table day after day after day and worked on the book. I can multitask like a ninja, but I can't always focus on writing to the extent that I need to if I've got three or four other things going on. I tell people, whatever works for you. If you read that Stephen King gets up every morning at five AM and writes for four hours and you feel somehow less than because you can't do that, don't worry. My circadian rhythm is to write late at night. I do my best writing between five and ten PM. I can do all my administrative tasks during the day and then write between five and ten or, like I said, I just go away and binge-write. Again, it's a matter of finding what works for you.

 

When my kids were young, I couldn't always go away for four or five days. Occasionally, I was able to negotiate with my husband at the time that he could take the kids from -- he'd pick them up from school on Friday. I would drop them at school Friday morning. I'd take off. There was a hotel in Ventura, California, an hour and fifteen minutes away, which was just far enough away that I could get home easily in case of emergency, but they would not be dropping by for dinner if the kids were crying that they missed me. It was the perfect distance. They knew me there. She's back. The writer's back. I went one weekend every six weeks, maybe, from a Friday morning until a Sunday at three o'clock. I got a late check-out. I would bring food into the room and eat all my meals there and just sit at the desk and write. That's how I wrote Motherless Daughters. That came out in 2006. My kids were five and nine when that book came out, so they were probably four and eight when I was doing those weekends there. That's what worked for me. Now I have more time to write, but other, more responsibilities. Your other question was about people who were having trouble with their grief. Was that it?

 

Zibby: Yeah, or just still trying to get a handle on it.

 

Hope: There's no right or wrong way to grieve. There's only your way to grieve. If someone says, I'm having trouble with grief, I first ask them, what are your expectations of what grief should look like and what it should be? Let's deconstruct those at first and see if you're holding yourself to a standard that maybe isn't one that you can meet for various reasons. A lot of people, especially men, think they haven't grieved because they haven't had these outward displays of emotion that we normally associate with grief. Some women, too, have said to me, I don't feel like I cried enough. I don't think I grieved my person. Someone says to me, I never grieved the death of my mom or dad when I was young. I said, what do you mean by you never grieved it? They say, I didn't cry enough. We want to look at that. I say, I firmly believe that we grieve to the best of our ability at any point in time. Maybe at that point in time your ability was very limited because you didn't feel safe or, if you were a child, you didn't have adults around you to help support you in your grief. Maybe you had other survival needs that were more pressing at that moment and you couldn't focus on your own emotions because you were taking care of other people or you had a demanding job that had to support your family. Men often say to me that they feel they didn't grieve because they didn't cry.

 

In fact, there's so much more research now about the difference between how men and women grieve. I see this among spouses. I see it among partners and siblings. They don't really understand each other because men don't typically have these -- or the masculine way of grieving, I should say. About fifteen to twenty percent of women grieve in a more masculine style. Fifteen to twenty percent of men grieve in a more feminine style. The feminine style is reaching out and talking, emoting, showing your emotions. The male grief patterns are more about working through your feelings by doing, which is why some cultures have the women sit in a room with other women and cry for days in a row and have the men plan the funeral. Working through the details, for the men, is a way that they are processing their emotions around grief. Men tend to want to fix things or solve problems and work through their grief that way. Women don't always recognize that that's what the men are doing. Men often don't understand why the women can't pull things together and be more instrumental and need to talk about it all the time. It's just different patterns of grieving, but they're both working through their feelings of loss.

 

Zibby: Wow. Hope, thank you so much for chatting today. I'm going to share your episode far and wide for those many people out there who need it. Thank you for all the research and the personal stories and everything that went into The AfterGrief and for creating this concept so that people who are continuing to be sad for the rest of their lives know that there's a reason why and they're not doing anything wrong.

 

Hope: I just want to also emphasize this doesn't mean you're going to be grieving for the rest of your life. It just means you're going to be remembering and thinking about it occasionally, missing that person because they were really important to you. They will continue to be important to you.

 

Zibby: Amazing. Thank you so much. Thanks for your time.

 

Hope: Thank you so much, Zibby.

 

Zibby: Buh-bye.

Hope Edelman.jpg

Dr. Evan Antin, WORLD WILD VET

Zibby Owens: Welcome, Evan. Thank you so much for take two of "Moms Don't Have Time to Read Books" minus the technical difficulties this time, I hope. Thanks for coming back.

 

Dr. Evan Antin: Thanks for having us. I got Henry here too.

 

Zibby: I have Nya here on the floor.

 

Evan: Right on.

 

Zibby: I can pick it up. She likes to lay right there.

 

Evan: Hi, there.

 

Zibby: Good. It's a four-person podcast. [laughs]

 

Evan: There we go.

 

Zibby: Your book, World Wild Vet, which, PS, is hard to say, World Wild Vet, there we go, Encounters in the Animal Kingdom. Tell me a little more about this book. I know that you wrote it over fifteen years. Obviously, I've read it. Tell listeners what inspired you to do a travelogue of all the places you've been to and all the experiences you've had with animals. Why now in your career did you decide to write a book?

 

Evan: I'm so fortunate that I've been to so many places and I've worked with so many different species in different habitats and seen what it is to work with wildlife, appreciate them in their natural environment, be involved in their conservation efforts, and veterinary medicine for individual animals. I feel I've got a lot of different messages to share from around the world. It can vary quite significantly whether you're in Australia or Africa or Central America. I did think about writing a book for years, but I didn't think it'd be until later in my career. I decided to do it now because I think I have enough experiences to share. I've got a lot of messages to share as well. I felt like now actually is a good time to start writing and sharing those experiences and messages and lessons. My whole goal is to get people excited about animals, teach them a little bit about vet medicine and what that's about. Then of course, a big part of that is making an effort towards wildlife conservation awareness and sharing that whole world. I've gotten to see that in so many different places.

 

Zibby: Amazing. You've had some really unbelievable experiences. Actually, the part that stuck with me the most was after you went on this whole big adventure and collected this amazing footage and everything, was it your car that was broken into? You lost everything. You even lost thirty-four pounds. Tell me that story again.

 

Evan: Oh, man. I don't often rent cars when I travel. So many places I go, you just don't need to. It made sense for the things I wanted to do in Costa Rica. I had just gotten to this hotel. I think I was arranging the room, just getting settled in there, and away from the car for not very long. It was dusk. By the time I came back to the car, it was night. I opened the door, and everything's gone. Everything. I had a day pack with me that had my passport, which was huge. It had a memory card that had a few pictures. Ninety-nine percent of it was gone, all my travel stuff obviously. I bring my snake hook and my croc snare. My clothes and everything was in that bag. That was all gone. Oh, man, I was so pissed. I was not fun to be around for a few days. It was crazy. I'm not an angry person, but oh, my gosh, I wanted somebody to disrespect me in some way so I could take out the anger on them or something. It was a horrible mental state to be in. Things worked out. I still have those memories. Nobody can take those away from me, but I sure wish I had the footage and the pictures to back it up.

 

Zibby: I'm so sorry. That was all of your Galapagos experiences too, right?

 

Evan: Exactly.

 

Zibby: I'm so sorry. Then of course, you go to Costa Rica -- I think it was when you were in Costa Rica when you sort of kidnapped a crocodile and left your girlfriend sleeping in Costa Rica in some hotel. She thought god knows what happened to you. You came back with the crocodile, which I can't say has ever happened to me in any of my travels with anyone.

 

Evan: I've never heard of anybody doing such a thing. I wouldn't do it again today. Legally, I don't know what that would entail. It's probably not allowed. It was my first crocodile that I'd ever caught in the wild. I worked with alligators and some other crocodile species in captivity. To see one in the wild, it was so easy. I just was dying to make an educational video about it and get some pictures with it and everything. At the time, I was just making educational videos for YouTube. I have one picture from that experience that I'd emailed to somebody. I at least have that from that experience. It was so funny. I guess I didn't realize how long I was gone because she was freaked out when I came back. She really was about to call the embassy. She thought I was kidnapped. She can worry sometimes. That can escalate rather quickly. She went from being freaked out to being willing to help me film this guy within a matter of minutes. She got in the car and we went over to exactly where I caught him, got some amazing footage for a few minutes, and let him go. That was that.

 

Zibby: Oh, my gosh. Then you were bitten by a snake. Your mom had to get involved. It was a whole thing.

 

Evan: I've been bitten by hundreds of snakes, maybe thousands by this day, but that was a venomous snake. Again, it was the kind of thing where you learn lessons along the way. I've definitely done many things that I wouldn't do today. That was one. That was probably the biggest one. That was also a blessing in disguise because it did obviously give me an opportunity to gain an even bigger respect for dangerous animals. I'm lucky I got bit by not the most venomous snake. It was a copperhead, which is bad news. That can be pretty destructive and pretty scary. I didn't have any permanent damage that I know of. Everything worked out. If I'm working with an animal where I think the danger risk is too high, then I just say, I got to pass on this one or we have to do this a different way, or I have to sedate it. We have to just approach it a little bit differently. I still work with a lot of venomous snakes and still love it.

 

Zibby: How did you go from doing educational videos on YouTube to having a million followers and a TV show on the Animal Planet? How did that happen?

 

Evan: That was all part of the vision. That all started in that first chapter when I'm road tripping Australia and I had my mom send out my camera and my tripod. I wanted to start making that kind of content having no idea where it would go. I did a couple TV guest appearances shortly after graduating vet school. I think they found me on YouTube or something. I'm not totally sure. The Kris Jenner Show was my first show. It was a total blast. Then I did another couple shows. Then towards the end of 2014 about a year and a half after I graduated vet school, People magazine, I don't know how they found me, but they offered to include me in the Sexiest Man Alive issue they put out at the end of the year every year. That year I was the sexiest beast charmer. The other years they did it I was the sexiest veterinarian, at least. The first time, it was a men-at-work section. It was different professionals. They're the sexiest chef or teacher or whatever. Then in early 2016, and I think it was unrelated to the People thing, I had some big publications put out articles about me. One called Bored Panda did. Then when they did, Huffington Post and -- what's that other big one? Buzzfeed and a few other big ones reached out for an interview. Then they did a story on me, basically. In those days, it was easier and more possible to just go viral. I went from hitting 10,000 followers the night before that I was so excited about, and then two weeks later I was at 220,000, and then grew from there.

 

Zibby: Wow. Has that affected your personal life and your relationships? Do you feel like you have people glomming onto you who you don't trust now? Do you stick to your core people from growing up? How do you handle that?

 

Evan: Personal-wise, nothing's changed. My friends, they think it's funny when I'm the sexiest vet or whatever. They know that's not what I was striving for, necessarily, even though it's been a blessing. I'm not complaining about it. Same with going viral. There's been way more positive things than negative things. For me, I'm a pretty down-to-earth kind of guy. It's not changed a whole lot in my personal life. I've always been close to my family. I've always been close to my friends. That's all totally the same. They're super supportive. It's opened a lot of doors and created a lot of opportunity in a very good way for me. Really, those things have been absolute blessings.

 

Zibby: You said this whole vet empire world you're building was part of the vision. What is the next phase of your vision? What's your secret hopes and dreams? What's next? What do you want?

 

Evan: Honestly, I want to keep doing what I'm doing and just get on a bigger and bigger scale. I want to do even more than I can in the media space and that platform and just creating awareness for wildlife and its conservation and promoting quality veterinary medicine and even talking about how we can best care for our pets too and getting people excited and educating them about animals and just growing that and making it bigger and bigger and becoming well-known in that space, but in a very positive and constructive way for our pets and wildlife.

 

Zibby: How have you dealt with the pandemic, not being able -- I saw on your Instagram you were recently in -- where were you? Tanzania?

 

Evan: Tanzania, yeah.

 

Zibby: Amazing. I didn't even go to downtown. How did it affect you to not be able to do your thing and travel everywhere? Was that really hard?

 

Evan: This is the first year in several years I've traveled not nearly as much. The last few years, I think I've been gone probably, cumulatively, three to four months out of the entire year, probably closer to four months, and in a dozen different countries over the course of a year. Listen, I'm not complaining. I'm super lucky. I've already been to Australia and Tanzania. That's more than most people can say they get to do in a year. From my perspective and what it usually is, yeah, it's significantly less. Our hospital's been open the whole time. I work at Conejo Valley Vet Hospital in Thousand Oaks nearby. I'm still seeing patients when I can. I'm still working on other projects. We're talking about the book. The book, it's taken a lot of my time this year. I've had other projects. I did another Facebook show. Tanzania was actually, technically, a work-related thing even though I was getting to have fun and get in the bush and host this really fun series. It's definitely slowed some things down. I've absolutely managed to stay busy. I picked up a new hobby this year that I've just absolutely loved and dove into headfirst. It's woodworking. I've gotten some new power tools and having just a ton of fun doing that and building furniture and stuff.

 

Zibby: What's your latest creation?

 

Evan: I'm working on some midcentury chairs right now. It's called a Z chair. The Z chair is the standard common name for it. It's proven to be a bit of a challenge. This is a very new hobby. It was maybe a little bit ambitious for me, but so far, so good. We're moving along. I think they're going to turn out okay.

 

Zibby: If you're selling them, my name does start with a Z. If you run out of options, I'll invest in some Z chairs.

 

Evan: Z chair Zibby. I love it. [laughs]

 

Zibby: Tell me about writing this book. How did that process work for you? Did you sit down and write it every day? Did you dictate it? Did you work with somebody else on it?

 

Evan: Writing and reading were never my strong suits through my education. I'm much more of a math, science, right brain or left brain, whatever that would be. Because I'm not a professional author by any means, I did hire a ghostwriter, which I think is common unless you are a professional writer. I ended up getting a phenomenal writer. Her name's Jana. She really found my voice. We talked a lot. We had really long interviews. I had a very good idea of how I wanted the book laid out, the stories I wanted to tell. Then she would interview me. She would ask a lot of questions. I would tell a lot of stories. We had a really good back-and-forth. A lot of the work was just that, and then of course revising and editing what she would bring to me. She is so phenomenal at finding someone's voice and sharing their verbal stories and putting it on paper in a way that would come -- when you read it, that really is how I talk and how I share. She did a phenomenal job. That was a big part of it. Of course, working with the publisher. I've been very happy with Henry Holt Publications. They're a boutique company under Macmillan. They do awesome work. They’ve had some really cool books. It's been a dream to work with them too. They’ve been really helpful along the way. Of course, I have a team that's very helpful. I've got a manager and an agent that I trust. Everything's just been this perfect collaboration, cooperation with everybody. It's been great.

 

Zibby: What do you think the most effective part of your book marketing has been in terms of what you did or some event that was different or just anything in this whole, I'm out and about trying to tell people more about my book? What stands out to you out of all the stuff? Aside from our amazing interview right now.

 

Evan: Other than this amazing interview -- to half-answer a previous question about the pandemic, this changed everything. I was going to be going on a national media book tour. I was going to be going to several big cities doing in-person signings and readings. Obviously, that's not so much the case. My team, the publishers and my agents, everybody says social media is the most important, most valuable tool. Having a decent following is very helpful for that. It seems to be that way. I'm getting a ton of positive feedback from my followers. I've been sharing a lot of things from the book, whether it's animal facts or just sharing what the book's about and how the project's been going and that kind of thing. I think that's helpful. To answer that question, I think it's a combination of things. Social media's huge. Doing podcasts like this one I think is really, truly valuable too in just getting it out there. I don't know if there's one thing.

 

Zibby: Do you have any advice to either aspiring authors or people who want to do something to really make a difference in the animal kingdom, in the animal world, and conservation and all of that?

 

Evan: For someone that really wants to pursue that in a very big way, you have to be passionate about it. You have to show that passion. I think that's what's worked so well for me. I'm not working or trying to show my passion. My passion is very vibrant in me. I'm lucky that I can portray that on a media platform and on social media. I think that's a big part of it. I'm so lucky too. I get in the trenches. I get in the field. I get to work with these vets on the ground and these conservationists and get to wildlife rescues and get my hands on these animals and show what that's all about. That's a huge part of it too, the hands-on stuff. I can sit at home or in my yard and talk about conservation, and people will listen. If I'm actually out in the field, I'm in the Philippines or I'm in South Africa and I've got a binturong or a rhino or an anaconda or whatever, I think that goes a long way.

 

Zibby: My last question, my kids are in the stage where they want every animal under the sun. My little guy had a tantrum that we couldn't go buy a blue jay today after school.

 

Evan: Oh, come on, Mom. We got to get him a blue jay.

 

Zibby: So not fair. I want a bird. I want a bird. One day, it's a hamster and the fish. We're in that mode. We already have dogs.

 

Evan: How old is he?

 

Zibby: We're overrun. We have dead fish floating that I haven't even dealt with. We're like a menagerie. My little guy is almost six. Then I have a seven-year-old and two thirteen-year-olds. They're kind of over the --

 

Evan: -- Wow. That's a whole other challenge that I can't relate to, but I do a hundred percent sympathize. Most of my friends have children. It can be tough at times.

 

Zibby: In terms of the animal/pet management piece of life for many parents, you are the ultimate animal whisperer. What do you say to that? Should us parents get browbeaten into getting all sorts of different animals to give kids more exposure or just stay with the traditional black lab who I have over my shoulder? What do you think about bringing them into your home? Today, we were trying to explain that, no, blue jays are out in the wild. They don't want to live in a cage. How do you tow that line of wanting to give your kids a love of animals but not have your home be taken over?

 

Evan: Number one, there's a lot of ways to cultivate that without necessarily acquiring new lives that you have to then be responsible for. Most big cities and areas, moderate-sized cities, they have really high-quality zoos. Zoos are accredited by the Association of Zoos and Aquariums and/or American Humane. They're good places where they're doing right by the animals. They are, in a very major way, contributing to wildlife conservation in their respective parts of the world where they have some of the animals as ambassadors of these areas. That goes a long way. Even going to petting zoos and things like that, just getting them exposed and getting those interactions is really valuable and really important. Nature's such a big thing too. I grew up in Kansas. We had a creek in my backyard. My parents, they both like animals. They're not completely insane like me, but they totally cultivated it. If I brought a turtle home for a couple days, it was okay. I'd get out in the creek and appreciate the nature. I'd go catch crawdads and look for insects and look for turtles and snakes and the wildlife. Anywhere you live, there's going to be something in your backyard no matter where you live in the world. That's always an option too.

 

Then when it comes to the pets, there's no one answer. It really depends on the individual, the parent, the family, the children, everything. You have to ask yourself -- I say this for any new pet, whether it's an exotic pet or a dog or a cat. I have three main general tips. Number one, do your research. Know what you're getting into. What does that pet need? Diet, space, time, ambient humidity, temperature, all of these things. You need to be aware of what you're getting into. You don't provide these things, you're not giving this pet the fair life that it deserves. It's going to be disservice to you and the pet. It's going to be expensive and sad and just not what you want to do. Second question you ask yourself is, can I provide these things? Do I have the space? Do I have the budget? Do I have the time? Do I have the ability to provide all of these things? Am I going to do the upkeep? All that stuff. Then number three, find a veterinarian in your area that's comfortable working with those animals, whether it's a small animal practice that's very comfortable seeing dogs and cats. If you're looking to get, say, a cockatiel, which is a great pet bird -- they do very well in captivity and can be phenomenal pets. Find yourself an exotic animal veterinarian that's comfortable. They're going to be a big tool and resource for regular check-ups and preventative medicine like vaccines and that kind of thing. That depends on the species, obviously. That's really important too.

 

If you can ask yourself those questions and say, yes, we do have time for -- say we want to get pet rats. Rats make phenomenal pets. They get super strong emotional bonds. It's really like having a dog or a cat in rodent form, super intelligent, great animals. They need to be social. We need two rats. We need decent space for them. We need good enrichment. They're super smart, so we need to constantly do mazes and toys and engage and that kind of thing with them. Can we get the right diet? Can we get with a vet? It really depends on the person. For some parents that have the children, especially a six-year-old boy that wants everything as I did, you just have to pick and choose. Do what makes the most sense for you. It sounds like you guys have a lot of pets. It sounds like you guys are doing pretty good. Just putting the energy into the pets that you have is also really important. There's ways you can re-excite them about their pets. You do a little bit of research and -- what do you have again, for example?

 

Zibby: My mother-in-law and grandmother-in-law had a dog named Nya, this black lab. They both just passed away from COVID.

 

Evan: Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry to hear that.

 

Zibby: Thank you. They had two dogs. We took Nya. Then my husband's sister took Luna, the other dogs who's a mix of three different breeds. Nya's a black lab. Then I had a Pomeranian who is now basically my babysitter's dog. She brings the Pomeranian in every day. Anyway, I could go on and on about this, but this is not about your book. Then we had these two fish. Now my daughter wants a bunny. My son wants a bird. We had two fish that we got over the summer that lived quite a while, but not anymore.

 

Evan: It's the kind of thing you want to educate yourself in. Fish and some of those other pets, they can be lower maintenance in some ways. At the same time, you need to be very familiar with what a biological filter is and know how to properly care for these fish. It takes some experience. If you're considering any of these exotic kind of animals, do your research. When it comes to bunnies or rats or --

 

Zibby: -- We're not getting a rat. I'm drawing the line on even discussing buying a rat. Full stop on that.

 

Evan: Let's say bunny just hypothetically. You do want to know what you're getting into. They do need space. You do need to have at least two. They're super social animals. Don't just get one bunny. Don't just get one guinea pig. Know what you're getting into when it comes to that space. If you have time that you can do some research if you're kiddo's really excited about one species, you ask yourself -- don't tell him yet because if he knows you're thinking about it, it's over, probably.

 

Zibby: I know. At first, I was like, I'm going to play him this podcast. Now I'm like, I am not playing him this podcast.

 

Evan: No, no, no. This you do until after the fact. You get the bunny. Then you can say, if you do that. If you don't get a bunny, he can't hear this one. [laughs] You just ask yourself those things. At the same time, you have four children. You have a dog. You are a busy working woman as well. Don't do something that's unfair to the pet. There's things you can do with your dog. You can do fun training and things to get him excited about that. There's other opportunity to cultivate it. Then of course, there's great programming available. I'm sure he's into Kratts brothers and Coyote: Brave Wilderness.

 

Zibby: Wild Kratts? Isn't that what it's called? The Wild Kratts?

 

Evan: Wild Kratts, yeah, the brothers. Then there's Coyote Peterson. He's got great kid content, super educational, good guy. I met him on a show we did together, actually, about a year and a half or two ago. Super good dude, a good space. He promotes wildlife in a really good way too. There's lots of ways you can cultivate it without necessarily having to get the pets.

 

Zibby: See, after this conversation, maybe now my almost six-year-old will turn into you. Who knows?

 

Evan: Cultivating it's so important. I'm lucky that my parents would let me have pet reptiles and let me do these things. My mom is a landscape designer. She wasn't doing it professionally, but she was crazy about her landscapes. She had all these little rock gardens and different things and other plant gardens too and everything. I was flipping rocks every single day looking for roly-polies and millipedes and grubs and cicadas in the right time of year. I just loved all of that.

 

Zibby: It all comes down to having your parents foster the love of whatever.

 

Evan: I'm glad you're saying that message because I cannot stress that enough. There's so many people, they buckle down, their kid's getting a pet. They don't do the research. It's their kid's pet. It's like, listen, it comes to you guys. Then they come to see me at the veterinary hospital when I'm seeing patients, and they really don't know what they're doing. Our veterinary appointment is not just a wellness thing because their hamster has a legitimate health issue that's out of their hands. It's because they didn't know what they were doing, because they weren’t providing the proper ambient humidity or UV light or they're feeding an all-seed diet to their parrot. There's so many things that people just don't know and assume. They're wives' tales or whatever. It's just common knowledge that's totally not right for these pets. They find themselves seeing me because they just didn't do their research. That's the number-one thing. Please do your homework. Whether it's for your kids or for you, please do your homework before you get a pet and take on a life. Make sure you're doing it right.

 

Zibby: Excellent advice. Thank you, Evan. Thanks for doing this round two with me and sharing all these great tips. To be determined what pets I end up with next. [laughs] I'll keep you posted.

 

Evan: Hit me up anytime. I'm happy to answer questions and make recommendations. There's plenty of other pets besides rats that make great pets. With a bird, a cockatiel. Look into that. If you're considering a bird, look into that.

 

Zibby: Okay. Cockatiel, I'm on it.

 

Evan: Thank you so much for having me.

 

Zibby: Thanks so much. Take care.

 

Evan: Take care.

 

Zibby: Buh-bye.

 

Evan: Bye.

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Peace Adzo Medie, HIS ONLY WIFE

Zibby Owens: Welcome, Peace. Thank you so much for coming on "Moms Don't Have Time to Read Books" to discuss your book, His Only Wife. Congratulations on the book.

 

Peace Adzo Medie: Thank you. Thanks so much for having me.

 

Zibby: It's my pleasure. I have to say, I listened to this in the car on a bunch of drives that I did. I had it with all the kids in the car. I would listen back and forth, back and forth. Then I finally said, "You know what, guys? This is the book we've been listening to." They were like, "It's so short. What do you mean? We've been listening to it for hours." [laughter] It's been a part of my family, so I'm happy to tell them that we're finally doing this interview. Can you please tell listeners what His Only Wife is about? Also, what inspired you to write this book?

 

Peace: His Only Wife is a story of a young woman in Ghana. Her name is Afi. She is in an arranged marriage. It begins as Afi gets into an arranged marriage to a man. His name is Eli, very wealthy man. This is a marriage that has been arranged by Eli's mother who is called Aunty. Aunty has arranged this marriage because she doesn't approve of Eli's partner. On one level, Afi has this task of bringing Eli closer to his family because the woman has come between Eli and family. On another level, this is a book about a young woman finding her voice, finding her place in the world, and coming to a place where she can speak about what it is that she wants. That is His Only Wife. I wrote the book for several reasons. One being that I'm very interested in how social pressures shape women's lives. I do research on a variety of issues including on violence against women. I've done some fieldwork in Liberia and Côte d'Ivoire. I've spoken to survivors of violence. Something that came through in my interviews with them was how they wanted to leave abusive relationships, but they didn't because people encouraged them to stay. People discouraged them from leaving, usually family and friends. That really got me thinking about the decisions that women make in relationships because of the pressures and the advice that they receive from the people around them.

 

Zibby: All very good things to investigate. I read this -- this is going to sound so silly. Maybe not silly, just surprising I should say. There was an ad for a dog food company. In the ad, it said forty-seven percent of domestic abuse victims don't leave because they don't want to leave their pets. Isn't that interesting? I just keep storing this fact away and repeating it because I find it so interesting that you can feel so trapped and so helpless and be in such an awful emotional and physical place and yet your allegiance to your pet is placed at a higher premium, almost, than your own mental and physical health. I found it very interesting.

 

Peace: I think it makes sense that if you're in such a difficult position that something that brings you joy, something that brings you a bit of comfort, it's something that would be very difficult to part with.

 

Zibby: Yes. I couldn't part with my dog. Do you have dogs?

 

Peace: Not anymore.

 

Zibby: I just inherited a dog. I'm already in love with her after a month. Also, you were the Reese's Book Club pick. It must have been so exciting. Was that even on horizon of things you were hoping would happen with this book? What happened when you found out? Tell me about that.

 

Peace: I hoped briefly before I ever knew. Then I thought, don't even think about that. What are the chances that would happen? It was an extremely pleasant surprise. Honestly, I found out, and I had no idea what to do with myself. I was almost just frozen. I was like, what do you do with this information? I'm so, so happy. What do I do with this information? The Reese's Book Club community, they're just a wonderful community of book lovers. They have been so supportive in so many different ways. It's been wonderful being the October Book Club pick.

 

Zibby: That's exciting. I was watching you today because I was wondering if they had posted -- our interview will air later, but a lot of places were airing their November picks today. I was on there and watching you give all the clues. I was thinking to myself, does Peace know the answer to this, or do they just give her clues? Do you know the answer, or did you just get the clues?

 

Peace: They just gave me the clues. Everyone, reading their responses, I was like, oh, okay. Is this what people think it is? I just know the clues. [laughs]

 

Zibby: Everybody in the comments seemed to be pretty convinced it was one particular book, but I don't know. They all wanted that free giveaway, I guess, so they hopped on the bandwagon.

 

Peace: We'll find out today, I think.

 

Zibby: This book was so realistic, particularly the scenes where Afi was in the apartment just biding her time waiting for Eli to come visit. She didn't know what to do. Luckily, she was able, through Richard and her family, to go take some sewing classes and go to different schools and all the rest. For a while, it was just her with the thick carpet and her mom, alone padding around and wondering if she should be dressed and ready and what was going to happen for her husband to show up, who she hadn’t even seen including at the wedding, which is crazy. Tell me about crafting that moment and that feeling. Did you have a period of time where you felt that same sense, that the minutes were so long? That's how you made it feel for the character.

 

Peace: I've definitely felt like that when waiting for things to happen. I really wanted to communicate the things that women do for men and the sacrifices that women would make for men, including a woman like Afi who is ambitious, who is smart, but has been led to believe that she should make these sacrifices. She should be willing. She should be ready and prepared and perfect-looking all the time in order to please this man who she's never even met officially since they’ve been married. In crafting that period in Afi's life, I really wanted to show this excruciating detail of just waiting, and waiting because you’ve been led to believe this person is so important and you should give so much of yourself to this person.

 

Zibby: By the way, when Eli did finally arrive -- as I said, I was listening in the car with the kids. They finally got together. My daughter was like, "Mom!" I turned it down. I was like, "I'm sure this scene's almost over." Then I turned it back up. They had gone out to the kitchen. Then you had them go back in the bedroom. It started again. She's looking at me. I was like, "Okay, okay, okay, I'll do it later."

 

Peace: Oh, no! What have I done? [laughter]

 

Zibby: I was so mortified. Mental note, don't listen to this middle part in front of your kids. Part of the book, too, was not only her allegiance to Eli, but also the postmortem allegiance to her father. Her father passed away leaving the family in financial ruins. She had to live with her aunt and felt indebted to her aunt for a long time. This is part of why she wanted to repay the aunt. It's the loss of not only her father, but also the lifestyle that her father provided and what it's like to have been somewhat frivolous with her purchases and not really thinking. Then you had a whole thing where she's like, if only I could go back and have a moment of those clothes that I didn't care about or all of that and just hold onto those not knowing that they were about to go away. Tell me a little more about that element and the kind of fall from grace that can so easily happen.

 

Peace: A big part of this story is the class divide. I really wanted to show that. I've thought about it and said, would Aunty have proposed this marriage if Afi's father was alive, if they were middle-class? I don't think so. I think it's because of the family's financial situation. That is why Aunty felt bold enough to propose this marriage. I just really wanted to explore how economic disparities impact the decisions that women make, but also even how it shapes marriages. Then you have a relationship where one person has more power than the other because that person has the money and is therefore then able to call the shots. I really wanted, in small ways, to show how the death of Afi's father and their financial fall was even driving the behavior of her mother. I think her mother would have been a very different woman if Afi's father had been alive. I just really wanted to explore this and show how the change in their financial status was influencing them in different ways.

 

Zibby: And also how the mom and daughter's different views on what a marriage should be affected their relationship. They used to be more like friends. Then as soon as she got married, it became a much more mother-daughter, I'm going to tell you what to do, you have to do this, a didactic-type relationship, and how a wedding, a relationship, as we all know, can seriously change your other relationships in unforeseen ways.

 

Peace: Yes, yes. A big part of it is Afi's mother has an idea of what a marriage should be. Afi starts off disagreeing, but then agreeing, and then disagreeing. Definitely, along those lines, we see the relationship between Afi and her mother change in so many ways. I think it's actually very realistic. Once money comes into the picture, a lot of our relationships tend to change.

 

Zibby: That too, yes, for sure. Are you married yourself? This is none of my business. You don't have to answer. I'm wondering if you're married, if your parents are married. What types of models for a marriage do you have in your own life?

 

Peace: Wonderful marriage. I think this book is unusual in two ways in that there's an arranged marriage. I tell people that it's actually not common, where I come from at least. A lot of it was me imagining what an arranged marriage would look like and what a person in an arranged marriage would feel. It's also kind of a polygamous relationship where you have one man with multiple partners or wanting to have multiple wives, not entirely succeeding. That is also not as common as it used to be in Ghana. These relationships still exist, but they are not as common as they used to be. What I would say is that I'm not in an arranged or in a polygamous marriage. I'm very interested in these institutions. I'm very interested in why people are within these institutions, but also how they have changed and why they are changing. If I look at my grandmother's generation, for example, there were more relationships or marriages with more than one partner, with more than one wife. In my generation, my parents' generation, it's become much less common. To me, it's very interesting. It also says a lot about what women's expectations are and what women are willing to accept within marriage as well in Ghana and I'm sure in many other places.

 

Zibby: Interesting. Tell me about the writing of this book. How long did it take you to write? What was your process like?

 

Peace: I began thinking about this book around 2010, 2011. I was finishing up my doctoral dissertation at Boston College. I was spending a lot of time just sitting at my desk trying to write the dissertation and graduate.

 

Zibby: By the way, I had this vision of you in Ghana writing with all the sights and sounds the way they are in the book. You're in freezing cold Boston around the corner? That's crazy. Okay, go on.

 

Peace: [laughs] Some of the writing did happen in Ghana, but I began thinking about it when I was in Boston. Then I seriously began writing late 2012, early 2013. I was back in Ghana by then. It took me five years because I went back and started teaching at University of Ghana and still had a full-time job where I was doing academic research and writing, teaching, and everything else, but also writing fiction. I had a very hectic day. I'd wake up four in the morning, write fiction. Around six in the morning, I would switch to writing -- I no longer do that, thankfully. Then switch to nonfiction around six. It was very demanding, but I really enjoyed it. I use fiction to relax. I use fiction to step back from my academic work. While they were very long days, it was very enjoyable.

 

Zibby: That’s good. What are you working on now?

 

Peace: I'm the final stages, I'm editing the second book manuscript. I was supposed to be done Monday morning. I told my agent I was going to send it to her yesterday morning, and I haven't.

 

Zibby: It's only Tuesday. It's okay.

 

Peace: I'm finishing up that manuscript and excited about the third one.

 

Zibby: Wow. Can you give any previews as to what those two are about?

 

Peace: The second book is about friendship. It's about two cousins who are very close. I'm very interested in how relationships come apart. It's two cousins who are very close, but then they come apart over time. I explore why it is that this happens. I'm also interested in how two people can experience the same thing but think about it very differently. Two friends, they are both convinced that the other person is in the wrong. For me, that it just so interesting. Basically, it's a book about friendship.

 

Zibby: Great. That sounds good. I've definitely been in situations where I'm convinced I'm right and perhaps I'm not, so that will be good. Do you have any advice to aspiring authors?

 

Peace: It's important that you love what you're writing. For me, that has worked really well because writing, it's long hours, very demanding. I think that if you don't love what you're doing, if you don't love the story that you are telling, I think it will be really tough to just stick with it for years and years. I've been working on this book, if I count editing, it's almost nine years, almost ten years. I feel like if you don't love the story, if you don't love the characters, it will be hard to keep at it. Write the things that make you happy. Write the things that you love. Eventually, the writing will find its readers.

 

Zibby: That's excellent advice. This book has certainly found a lot of readers, so that's great, including me and apparently my kids. [laughter] Thank you for all of our hours of entertainment in the car. Thank you for chatting with me today. Thanks for this beautiful story and all of its different elements that really made me think. Thanks.

 

Peace: Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. I've enjoyed chatting with you.

 

Zibby: You too. Have a great day.

 

Peace: Buh-bye.

 

Zibby: Buh-bye.

Peace Adzo Medie.jpg

Janet Evanovich, FORTUNE AND GLORY

Zibby Owens: Welcome, Janet. Thank you so much for coming on "Moms Don't Have Time to Read Books."

 

Janet Evanovich: My pleasure. Fun to be here.

 

Zibby: Tantalizing Twenty-Seven, your latest book in the Stephanie Plum series, Fortune and Glory, congratulations on this one. Are you still getting excited when this is the twenty-seventh book in a series? Do you still get excited for pub day and all of that?

 

Janet: Yeah, I do. I usually get a little bit more excited when I can actually do book tour and go out and see everybody. This is a new experience for me, all this virtual stuff. It's fun to have it out there because that's why you write the book, so that other people can read it, especially for me because I think of myself as being the fun author. I don't kill any good people in this book, only bad people. I look forward to it.

 

Zibby: You might argue that killing people at all does not make you a fun author. Just saying. [laughter] There are some books where nobody dies at all. I read a lot about your background and how you got started and how your manuscripts were rejected and your romance novel career. I would like to hear a little more from you about how you became this powerhouse author of this hugely successful best-selling series in such an unexpected way if I were to tell you at age twenty that this is what would happen. Can you tell me a little more about getting started and how you kept the resolve to keep going?

 

Janet: I was this amazing overnight success that took twenty years. [laughter] I wasn't published until I was in my forties, which is amazing since I'm only thirty-five now.

 

Zibby: Exactly.

 

Janet: I was always the kid that could draw. I was not a big reader. I read comic books. I loved comic books. I still have a subscription to Uncle Scrooge. Being a writer was not something that I thought about as a kid or in high school or even in college. I was always a visual artist. Then I had a couple kids. I was at home. Painting just wasn't working for me. What I realized is that what I always loved about painting was telling the story about the picture I was doing. I loved reading stories to my kids. All of a sudden, it was this thunderbolt moment that hit me. God, maybe I should be telling stories instead of painting pictures. I had no background. I didn't know anyone who was a published author. I had very small literary background. I think I had English 101 in college. It took me to a long time to learn my skills to figure out where I wanted to go. I started out writing bizarre books because as a student in the Douglas College Art Department, I had teachers like Roy Lichtenstein and big guys that were really kind of out there. It took me a long time to figure out what I wanted to say, who I was, where my voice was. The difference was that after about ten years of sending out stories and not having any success at all, I realized that it wasn't enough for me to write for myself. I love to write. I enjoy it. I get up in the morning, and I go into my own world. It's the world's best job. You sit in this chair at five thirty in the morning. I go into some place. It's almost like being an actress and assuming another role. What I realized is that if people weren’t reading it, it wasn't any fun for me. It wasn't enough that I was enjoying it.

 

When I realized that what I wanted to do was to write for other people and not for myself, that just made a huge difference. I started looking at audience and what books I was reading. I was a young mother. I knew about love and relationships and happiness. That was where I started, with the romance novels that I was reading. Actually, after about three years of that, I needed money. By then, my kids were looking at college. My husband has a doctorate in mathematics. He has a good job, but we were competing with two-income families. I was a stay-at-home mom. I really needed to get smarter about it. Not only did I have an audience to read my books, but I could help out with the family income. That was when I turned to the romance novels. Halfway through that, my son was at Dartmouth. The romance novels were not making enough money. I wasn't reaching enough audience. It was a very finite audience that I had with romance novels. I decided to go into crime fiction. I had little snippets of adventures and crimes creeping into my romances anyway. I had a hard time with three hundred pages of relationship. It wasn't my thing. There were many things I loved about romance. I tried to bring them over into the mystery genre. I wrote romance for, I guess it was five years, did twelve books, and then took a year off and tried to retool and figure out where I wanted to go.

 

Decided that it was in crime fiction. What I was going to do was I was going to take all the things I loved about romance and squash it into a mystery format. That's what I did and sold the first book to Scribner. Had a fantastic editor, a really nice lady. She thought she was buying a mystery. It wasn't much of a mystery. It really was kind of a sexy book with some romance in it and some characters that I found interesting. I knew I wanted to do a series, so I set it in New Jersey because that's what I know. I gave my heroine, Stephanie Plum, a lot of my own history so I knew where she was going. I put it in Trenton. I spent a lot of time in Trenton. My parents lived just outside of Trenton at the time. That first book did not get me a lot of money, but it got me a start. I didn't sell a lot of books. Mostly, I sold them to my relatives and my neighbors. By the second book, it started to pick up. By the third book, I was learning a lot about myself and a lot about where I wanted to go and a lot about my audience. The audience is the best part. I love my audience.

 

When I have signings and I go out and I get to meet everybody, it's amazing. Whole families will come out to say hello to me, four generations and husbands. The husbands say things like, "I finally read one your books. I really liked it." They were shocked because their wives had been reading me and had been laughing in bed. Finally, they took a look at it to see what it was too. I probably answered about fifteen questions now. Once I get started, especially about how this all happened to me -- I'm the American dream. My grandparents immigrated to this country as indentured servants, domestics and factory workers. My dad and mom were the first to graduate from high school. My dad worked in a factory. My mom was a homemaker. I was the first to graduate from college. We didn't have money for me to live in a dorm. I commuted. I was a commuting student at the state college in New Jersey and was an art student. Hate to admit this on air, but sort of supported myself with some shoplifting of groceries and art supplies when I had to.

 

Zibby: Oh, no!

 

Janet: Here I am. It's amazing. This is a fantastic country. I'm the proof of the opportunity that you can have. I've been very lucky.

 

Zibby: It's so nice to hear you say that because I feel like the American dream right now is this elusive concept. I feel like it's so much less attainable than it used to be. It seems so impossible to achieve it. It's so nice to see an example, particularly from a woman who's saying, look, I can do this, and so can you. That's amazing.

 

Janet: Absolutely. I think it's a lot of baloney out there that the American dream is not achievable. I think it's more achievable than ever before. It's that people are trying to tell us that it isn't. We don't hear about all of the successes. We have a tendency to have people out there with a lot of the negatives. That not a bad thing because we need to broaden the scope of what's available to people. My gosh, we have so many opportunities in this country. Look at the standard of living that we have and the standard of living that we can have, that we can bring out into even more people, the healthcare that we have, the fact that in such a short amount of time we found better ways to treat COVID. We have a vaccine right on the horizon. Unheard of. Just amazing. What I find really, really fantastic is that when COVID hit -- it just did terrible things to the economy. There are a lot of people out there, all those little small businesses, that are just dying. They're just struggling to survive.

 

At the same time, there are a lot of people that took the American spirit and said, you know, I could make some money out of this. I'm going to start making masks. I'm going to do takeout in my restaurant. I'm going to deliver curbside. There's still a lot of opportunity out there. Maybe it's not as available to everyone, but it's there. I'm a real believer in the American spirit. I just think it's there. People are going to find it. You have to persevere. It took at least ten years to get published. I started writing in my thirties, all this bizarre stuff, sending it out. Nothing. I started collecting rejection slips. I started out in a little shoebox. Then it got to be a bigger box. I had rejections that were written on bar napkins in crayon. It was bad. After ten years of rejections, I gave up. I went out and sat on the curb in front of my house with this big box and cried my eyes out and burned every rejection. I wish I hadn’t done that because I would've liked to have had them now. The next day, I borrowed a suit from my sister, and I went out and I got a job with Manpower. I worked at Manpower for -- I don't remember. I think it was maybe three, four months.

 

I had given up. It was my dream, and it was crushed. Because we needed the money, I just didn't feel like I could keep going anymore. After work, I went to pick my daughter up at an ice-skating rink. She was ice skating. I was standing there waiting for her. My husband and my son came up. They put their arms around me. They said, "Your editor just called." This was a hundred years ago, and I can't think about it without getting very emotional. There was my dream. My dream came back. My life just started over. I made two thousand dollars on that first book. The very next day, I went into the office with a box of donuts. I left it at the office. I took my hairspray and my extra pair of shoes, and I went home. Right there, I just quit. I just walked right out. Then I didn't sell another book for a couple years. We sort of had to give up eating oranges to make ends meet. Eventually, I started getting multiple-book contracts. Here I am.

 

Zibby: Wow, what a story. That's so amazing. It's so inspiring. When you were telling it, I had goosebumps everywhere. That's amazing.

 

Janet: It's been good.

 

Zibby: Congratulations. The role modeling of all of it is just great. It shows if you just stay with it and you keep doing something that you love, it will pay off in some way, shape, or form. Yours was a particularly big payoff. I will grant you that, but still. Tell me a little more about starting with the romances and how, for instance, your son at Dartmouth felt knowing those scenes were out there. I read that you said somewhere that you stopped writing romance when you ran out of positions to put your characters in. [laughs] Tell me a little more about that and being a mom and having all this sexualized content out there.

 

Janet: It wasn't that sexualized. As a romance writer, it was a very positive genre, which is one of the things that I love about it. It's one of the things that I think is such a great reflection of women. We're nurturers. We try to be positive people. It was a positive genre. The romances ended happily. They were about basically good people. I didn't have to kill anybody in a romance. When I started doing this, initially, my family was a little embarrassed. They were like, oh, god, Mom is writing this book. My husband, "Is this a reflection on me?" It turned out that it was actually a very good reflection. My son was very popular in college. He told everybody his mother was writing soft porn. [laughter] That was good for him. My husband found out that he'd be in the elevator and women would come in and would want to talk to him. I noticed that his ties started getting a little flashier. He really milked it. When I eventually moved over into the mystery genre and I started with Plum, then he could tell everybody he was actually Ranger and everything was patterned after him. My family really got into it. We all work together now. We're a little family business.

 

Zibby: I saw that. You have Evanovich Inc., right?

 

Janet: Yeah.

 

Zibby: What does everybody do? How do you make sure to work together in a seamless way?

 

Janet: We all have different talents. At the same time, we're sort of like water. When there's an opening, we flow into it. There's not a lot of ego involved. We actually like each other. We pretty much live together. We move around like a little herd. In the beginning, it was that -- my daughter went to film and photography school, Brooks in California. She had some aspirations of her own and then decided that maybe that wasn't who she was. At the time, the computer was just starting to really have an influence. She said, "You're sort of halfway supporting me while I'm doing my thing in San Francisco. Why don't I set up a website for you?" She started my very first website. It became a full-time job for her because she turned it into this entertainment site, really helped to grow my audience, made it fun, made it a lot more fun. That was initially what she did. My son is brilliant. He took over family finances. He had some legal experience, so he was the contract reader, as was my husband. Everybody edited. They were all my first editors. They still are. As we went along, they sort of modified their roles. Until now, my husband is still editing. He's still reading contracts. He keeps track of foreign sales and that kind of thing. My son and my daughter are doing more creative things. They're still my editors. They edited me for so many years that they picked up a lot of writing skills. My son has been working as a coauthor with me. He actually has been a coauthor for longer than people realize.

 

When books would come in and they weren’t exactly in my voice and they just needed some extra help, Peter and Alex would jump in. They would do some writing for me because I had a pretty heavy schedule just doing original writing. They really did a very heavy editing job for me for several years. Now they're branching out. They're doing their own thing. Alex is in charge of everything that is on the computer, all my media. She interfaces with publishers and publicists and my agent. She's really the one that says, "Your fans aren't going to like this." She always toured with me in the early years. She was the one who read the emails. She was the one who got in the lines and talked to people when I only had a couple minutes. When I was doing the big book tours, I'd have two, three thousand people out at a night. We'd start signing at five thirty. We'd end at two in the morning. I was moving along pretty fast saying, "Hi. How are you? Would you like your name on this?" Then they'd have to move along. Alex was there. Alex got to go down the line, and she got to talk to everybody and made friends and exchanged Christmas cards and found out what they thought and what they liked and what they didn't like and what they wanted to see. She's just been huge in the development of my career, the Plum series, some little side series that we've done just to give me some variety for fun. I'd like to clone myself so I could do more of those side series.

 

Zibby: It turns out that the secret weapon in your whole crime series is your children. That's pretty awesome.

 

Janet: It's true.

 

Zibby: First of all, how high are we going to go with this Stephanie Plum series? Do you have a number? Are you stopping at thirty? Is this an indefinite amount? Then also, what's the next project to come out after this one?

 

Janet: No, I don't have a number. As long as I'm enjoying it, I'm going to keep doing it, and as long as people out there are buying the books. The difficult thing is these two guys in Stephanie Plum's life. There's this tendency, you want her to make a choice. You want her to have babies and live happily ever after just like I did. That doesn't work in that series. The fun of it is the adventure, the not knowing, the choices that she has, and the life that she can have that the rest of us really can't. It would be scandalous if we did. I don't have any set number for her. The next book that's coming out is one of the coauthor books. It's The Bounty. It's in the Fox and O'Hare series. It has a new coauthor. I've had a lot of coauthors. I'm like death on coauthors, I think. I don't know how James Patterson does it. I don't know how he keeps these same great coauthors. It goes on to infinity. My coauthors are with me for -- they're all friends, is part of the problem. Lee Goldberg, I knew him for years. Same with Phoef Sutton.

 

They come on board. We have some fun. We write a bunch of books. Then they say, "I think I'm going to go be a big shot in television again." They were all A-list sitcom writers. I have a new coauthor on this book. The last coauthor in the Fox and O'Hare series, my son jumped in and did. He did that at the last minute. That book almost didn't come out. Peter said, "Okay, I can do it," and stopped his life for about two and a half months and helped us get the book out. This book is in another new direction. That comes out in March. Then after that, I have a spinoff from this book that's out there right now. It's about a woman, Gabriella Rose. Whenever I do these little miniseries, I always like to do something that -- the heroine is very different from Stephanie Plum just to give to myself a break so I can have some fun too. What I find is that when I go into some other woman's head other than Stephanie Plum and then I go back to Plum, I always know a little bit more about her because of what I've learned about this other person. That book should come out sometime in the summer. It's about Gabriella Rose.

 

Zibby: Very exciting. What advice would you have to aspiring authors?

 

Janet: If it's important to you, just don't give up. Keep trying to do better. Keep learning. Join a professional organization like International Thriller Writers, Romance Writers of America. That really helps because it allows you to get a peer group. It allows you to learn some things about agents and the process and publishers. Basically, you got to keep your ass in the chair. You really do. I like to tell people it's like a job. If you took a job working at 7-Eleven and they expected you to be there for three hours at seven o'clock at night, you'd do it. You'd get there. If you had a cold, you'd show up anyway. You'd take some pills. Writing is like that. If you want to do it, you think of yourself as a writer. When people say, "What do you do?" you say, "I'm a writer. I'm not published, but I'm a writer." Every day, if it's only for a half an hour, you sit down and you write because that momentum is very important. It's important that you believe in yourself even when you have ten years of failure like I do. Look at me. I was rejected for ten years. I was not giving up. Until you make my ten-year mark, don't worry about it. Just keep going.

 

Zibby: And be ready to forgo oranges for as long as necessary, I guess.

 

Janet: You have to do what you have to do.

 

Zibby: Do what you have to do. Thank you, Janet. Thank you so much. It's such a privilege to chat with you and hear the backstory and all of your encouraging remarks from the American dream to your first novel to everything. Thank you for sharing your time with me and with my audience.

 

Janet: You're welcome. It was great being here.

 

Zibby: You too. Buh-bye.

 

Janet: Bye.

Janet Evanovich.jpg

Morgan Jerkins, WANDERING IN STRANGE LANDS

Zibby Owens: Welcome, Morgan. Thank you so much for coming on "Moms Don't Have Time to Read Books" to discuss Wandering in Strange Lands. I'm so excited to talk to you.

 

Morgan Jerkins: Thank you. Likewise.

 

Zibby: Wow. This was a labor of love. This is a lot of travel and research. Oh, my gosh. First of all, tell me about when you decided to write this book and why. Then I want to hear about the journey to getting all the information.

 

Morgan: It's going to be weird of how I got the inspiration for this book because the book went through many different iterations of what the scope was to be. I will say that the impetus for the book began with a movie. It was Get Out. I was watching it in Magic Johnson Theater, Harlem. There's a climactic scene where Daniel Kaluuya's character, the black male protagonist, has his hand around his white girlfriend's throat. She and his family has been trying to basically steal his body for the majority of the movie. As soon as the police car pulls up, everybody gasps. Now, in a regular society, police would mean safety. Yay, he's coming to arrest the white girl. But we as black Americans know that the police often does not mean safety. I was fascinated that when we were in this theater, for example, we all had the same instinctual fear. I'm not a native Harlem. I've been living here for five years. I had a feeling that other people in this theater were not all natives to this neighborhood. That really fascinated me, this idea of fear of state violence, fear of the state, and our precarious position on any type of American soil. I wanted to first investigate that intergenerational fear and trauma. When I spoke about that to friends of mine who were actually professors who were based in the Boston area -- this is after the book was sold. They told me, "This sounds like a migratory story." That's how the book started to develop. Not into just fear; that fear is a subcomponent. These migratory patterns and how we are connected and also disconnected because of the violence of the state, that's how the scope grew.

 

Zibby: Wow. I actually thought what you just said was one of the most memorable parts of the book and has applications for really everything in life, was how you can really pass down trauma from generation to generation even if you haven't lived it yourself, which I didn't even realize could happen. If I had a traumatic experience, have I now doomed all my -- [laughs]. When does it have to have happen? It must have to happen before you have kids. Or is it just a societal thing? What do you think?

 

Morgan: I don't know. Late last year, I got the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be a guest professor at Leipzig University in Germany. When I was there, one of the classes I taught was a literature seminar, Black Women's Interiorities Across the Diaspora. I had one student there -- I still think about him to do this day. He was from Israel. We were talking about the intergenerational trauma of slavery. He was likening it to intergenerational trauma if those were the descendants of Holocaust survivors. As I mention in my book, this research has already been investigated by those such Dr. Rachel Yehuda where she studied epigenetics and how trauma affects gene mechanisms through Holocaust survivors and their descendants. Then there was also Dr. Joy DeGruy who coined the term posttraumatic slave disorder. It made me think about it.

 

If you have a whole generation of people who have undergone just unspeakable stress to their psyches and their bodies, how could they not pass that down to children? It's hard because you think, I'm my own person, and also because America's very individualistic in a way, for better or for worse, because of how we're dealing with or not dealing with the pandemic. That really got me to thinking about certain things, certain fears that I have, certain trepidations. If I just listen to a conversation happening with my mother and her siblings or even my grandparents, I'm like, now I see the echoes and the rippling effects. That's something that I really wanted to demonstrate in Wandering in Strange Lands, is just that echo that happens from coast to coast, region to region despite the fact that black Americans are distinct, but also overlapping in terms of the disenfranchisement that we face.

 

Zibby: Wow. I thought maybe, for instance with the Holocaust, it was more environmental, that if you're born into a family where the parents had experienced a trauma, it was the environment, all that energy that just transmits when you're around people who have gone through something awful, versus, does it actually shape your DNA? I don't know. It's so fascinating. Although then, it's also discouraging in a way. Hopefully, with all the progress that gets made, then the future generations can have that sort of lifted.

 

Morgan: Yeah, or just don't forget the history. That's another thing. I remember I read this -- I don't know if you saw this article. I think it was published last week where it said twenty-three percent of Americans, young adults, didn't think that the Holocaust happened or don't know about the Holocaust. I'm like, are you kidding me right now? There are people alive today whose parents were Holocaust survivors. What is going on with the public education system or just the American education system that we have forgotten?

 

Zibby: Don't even depress me any more. [laughs] I can't even go there. It's like people who think the pandemic is a hoax. There are some people out there who just don't respond to facts and science or reality. You can't really do much, right? I don't know.

 

Morgan: Just to bring it back around to the book --

 

Zibby: -- Yes, please. [laughs]

 

Morgan: I'll try to bring it back around to the book. You see, that is something that I also wanted to elucidate in Wandering in Strange Lands, is the different realities that we inhabit. A lot of times in African American communities, there can be a collision course between oral history, stuff that's passed around in communities, and what is actually documented. Sometimes for people who are from communities that are disenfranchised, communities that have been violated, they don't always take the documentation at face value because they often know who has the power of this documentation: those who are generally white, privileged, with a lot of networks. They're not. They're the complete opposite. They have this suspicion. That was something that I learned early on. Something that I always did before I traveled anywhere was that I got in touch with people from that area. I wanted them to know who I was, what publisher I had to deal with, my website, just so they knew that I was a real person, but also because -- for example, when I went down to the low country, Georgia, and I was doing research on the Gullah/Geechee communities, doing field research, one of the women there, she told me, "We've had people come down here, interview us without our consent, turn our stories into scholarship without proper acknowledgment." They’ve already been violated. Even though I was black like them, I was coming from New York City. I was already a New York Times best-selling author. I taught at an Ivy League institution. I was the institution. I had to really tread lightly. That's something I didn't lose sight of.

 

Zibby: Morgan, tell me more about your story. Tell me how you got started writing, how you became a best-selling -- give the CliffsNotes and all that stuff because it's so impressive, just awesome.

 

Morgan: Thank you. I thought that I wanted to be a doctor. My father was a doctor. Every time you ask a child what they want to be, doctor, lawyer, whatever. I thought I wanted to be a doctor.

 

Zibby: I never wanted to be a doctor.

 

Morgan: That's great.

 

Zibby: Just throwing that out there. Science is not my thing. I have so much respect for you and doctors and everything.

 

Morgan: Science wasn't even my thing either. I just loved the narrative of people's lives and their bodies. Anyway, when I was in high school, I was bullied a lot. I'm not a confrontational person. I internalized a lot of that low self-esteem. I wanted to escape. Because I didn't have a passport at the time, plus I was a minor, the only way I could escape was through fiction. Every day when I'd get home, I hurry through my homework and I'd start writing fictious stories as a way to cope. I continued to do that well into college when I matriculated at Princeton. I knew that I wanted to be a writer, but I had a lot of colleagues who were applying to med school, applying to law school, going into banking. It was like, oh, my god, am I going to waste my degree and I should maybe try to get a job at Goldman Sachs or something like that? When I graduated from college, I didn't get a job anywhere. I didn't get a job. I was applying for entry-level positions at publishing houses and literary agencies assuming that that would be my way in. Granted, I had already done unpaid internships like I was told. I was told you had to do unpaid internships in order to get a foothold. As you know, that puts a lot of economically disadvantaged people with the short end of the stick. I did all of that. Graduated from the number-one university in the country. Still couldn't get a job. I returned home jobless, heartbroken.

 

The only thing that I had as an anchor was that I was in an MFA program at Bennington, which is a low-residency program. I had some insecurities there because I was the youngest and I was the only black person in my cohort. I was like, oh, my gosh, am I the token? even though I had a wonderful experience there. When I was online, I was spending just an extraordinarily large amount of hours online, particularly on Twitter. I'd see people my age exchanging content. I was like, oh, you can exchange content and you can get paid for it? Then I'm going to do that. Because I had so much time on my hands, I was able to amass a large amount of bylines in a short amount of time. Then everything just started to take off like a rocket. In 2015, I moved to New York. I also got an agent. I also met the woman who would become the acquiring editor for my first book through Twitter as well. The week that I was graduating from my MFA program, I was fielding calls from editors interested in acquiring my first book. That was in June 2016. January 2018 is when This Will Be My Undoing: Living at the Intersection of Black, Female, and Feminist in (White) America was released. It debuted on the New York Times best-seller list. Then from there, I taught at Bennington as a teaching fellow. I taught at Columbia University, Leipzig University. I've done speaking engagements. Of course, I just released my sophomore book in August of this year.

 

Zibby: Wow, that is exciting. Wait, can you tell me, please, what it's like to write a book and have it come out and be an instant best seller? Tell me about the call you got or when you found out.

 

Morgan: It was funny. I was on my book tour. I remember what it was like. I was in Atlanta. It was about an hour or so before I was going to get picked up to go to the bookstore, Charis Bookstore, or Charis. I'm pronouncing it wrong. C-H-A-R-I-S Bookstore, I think that was the one. I was interviewing people for my second book. I knew I had a deadline. I wanted to hit the ground running. I was literally on the call with a scholar from UCLA. Somebody is calling my other line. I'm like, who is calling me at this hour? Why is my editor calling me at this hour? All of a sudden, I click over. I'm like, "I'm sorry. I got to take this because somebody is frantically calling my other line." I click over. Then they tell me the news. I click back over, mental/emotional whiplash. I tried to get through the interview, but a part of me wanted to scream at this lady who didn't know me from a can of paint, as my folks would say. That's how it happened. Then on the way to the bookstore, I cried. I was in the car with my mom. Had the book event. Family members showed up that lived in Atlanta. Friends of mine from college showed up. Then when I came back to the hotel, my publisher sent me flowers. Then I ordered room service with my mom. Then I passed out. It was the best. My experience as a debut author was incredible because I could not have asked for better blowout. I knew that it was picking up steam because of the amount of anticipated lists that it was on. In terms of just the book tour, the people that came out during my book tour, and the reception, I would want that for any debut author. I was very lucky or very blessed.

 

Zibby: That's amazing. After that big tour with so much emotion and success and everything, now you have a book coming out into this much quieter time in life. How are you handling that transition?

 

Morgan: It doesn't feel quiet. I think it's been hard for everyone. I know that I am surrounded by a lot of literary citizens who, we could be a bit self-deprecating when we're promoting our work. When it's huge professional news, we often lament online about how weird we feel about promoting our stuff because we live in a society that often devalues art or devalues writing, and especially devalues it as something that should be a monetary pursuit as well as a self-motivated, passionate one. It's a tricky balance. It's definitely a tricky balance when millions of people file for unemployment. Stimulus checks that were sent months ago was only $1,200. It feels decadent to be like, I wrote this book. Here, I'd like you to read it. My book was originally slated to come out May of this year. I live in New York City. New York was the epicenter of the virus. I always tell people that it was nothing like I've ever experienced before because I couldn't hear a thing. What I mean by that is that -- I live near Central Park. I couldn't hear a dog bark. I didn't hear a bus approaching its stop. I didn't hear people arguing on the street. The only thing I heard every single day or night was the ambulance sirens and me just praying that I didn't know anybody in those vehicles. I was surrounded by death.

 

When the city went into lockdown mode, I'm just trying to get my head together. When my editors emailed me at the top of April and asked if we could push to August, I was happy about it. Usually, I'm an impatient person. I'm like, let's go, let's go, let's go. Because I was trying to get myself just emotionally prepared to reset for this different routine that I was going to have do, I liked the extra time. Then as we know, as time went on, then George Floyd's murder happened. Then the protests happened. All of a sudden, my book took on this different kind of urgency that none of us could've predicted, obviously. In the beginning, I was happy because I thought, August is great because I thought, silly me, that everything would be opened again. Also because there's so much traveling, August is time for vacation, I thought we could pitch it that way. Because of the protests, then things started to [indiscernible]. Then things just started to move really quickly. When you say that it takes on a quiet form, it didn't feel that way at all, at all.

 

Zibby: I take it back. I shouldn't have said quiet.

 

Morgan: I'll say this. It definitely felt quiet in the sense that -- I'm a Gemini. I pride myself for being able to work a room anywhere I go. I know that I could command attention. I project my voice in a way. Maybe it's because of the insecurity complex of being short. I'm very short, so I try to project as much as I can.

 

Zibby: How short? I'm very short too.

 

Morgan: I'm five feet tall.

 

Zibby: I'm 5'2".

 

Morgan: Every time people meet me, they're always like, I thought you were taller than what you were. Not every time they say this. A lot of times when people meet me, they're like, I thought you were taller than what you were. I take that as a compliment because I guess my personality's large, but also because I know how easy it is to be invisible, not only because of my height, but because I'm also a black woman. I guess that has something to do with it. I love going on book tours and going into bookstores because I can project. You can see people's gestures, their faces, the different comments they make as you're telling your story. You get energy from them. When you're doing a Zoom call, you don't get that same interaction even though you do feel tuned in because people do Q&A stuff. It's different because now you have to deliver twice as much energy. You're not going to get that back. As I was doing these book tours in August and even though they were only an hour long, I would be wiped out after them.

 

Zibby: I can relate to that. It's also the contrast of, you're sitting in one place doing your normal life and then all of a sudden, your space has to completely transition. Usually, you go somewhere. I'll go somewhere and have to perform or be on or whatever. Here, I can just be my focused self and then next thing you know, it's like -- [laughs].

 

Morgan: Yeah, exactly. When I was in Atlanta when it was announced that I -- I told the crowd that I just got the best-seller list. I was with them. Twenty minutes before it was go time, you meet the booksellers. They're so nice. They show you around the store. They say, "Here's where your book is. Let us know if you want any water." You could say [indiscernible]. Also, sometimes they have a pet, a resident dog or a resident cat. That bookstore had a resident wiener dog. You saw the dog move in and out of the crowds as people were enjoying themselves. It accounts for so much. Even when you're signing books, that accounts for so much. I'm not going to say I took it for granted, but man, I would've loved to have gotten my wardrobe together and picked out the finest makeup palettes, go to the bookstore, and especially in August, and go and have a nice wine spritzer with friends or family afterwards. There's so much that could've been done, but you know what, I'm lucky with podcasts like this one. Also, independent bookstores and booksellers, we've really got ourself into shape. The thing about this whole time is it's unprecedented. It's not like you can go to somebody and be like, what did you do during this time when it happened twelve years ago? None of us knows. Despite the fact that we don't know, we have been able to reorient, I'm sure with difficulty, but we're doing it. I think that that's pretty inspiring.

 

Zibby: I agree. I think there's some things that came out of it that will make regular life better going forward.

 

Morgan: I sure hope so.

 

Zibby: I feel like so much of life was running around, getting places.

 

Morgan: The pandemic has made me prioritize rest a whole lot more. Again, I live in New York. New York is very fitness heavy. I was really focusing on, I want to lose this much weight by the time my book comes out, May 12th. I had it all planned out with a personal trainer. Then of course, the lockdown happened. I was getting so upset. I was like, man, if the lockdown didn't happen, I would be able to bench press my weight by now. I would be able to do this. I realized, but you're alive, though. Your body has kept you alive. Okay, you had junk food two days in a row. So what? You're working under stress. This pandemic has really forced me to do a whole reset and to shift my thinking about my body and stuff like that.

 

Zibby: I've never even tried to bench press my own weight. The fact that that was a goal of yours, I applaud.

 

Morgan: I was getting close. It wasn’t a goal. I was just getting there. It wasn't a goal. When I started bench pressing 110 pounds, I was like, I could get here. I'm almost there.

 

Zibby: I am beyond impressed. That is up there with the instant New York Times best seller.

 

Morgan: I don't know if I could bench press that now, though. Not anymore.

 

Zibby: What advice would you have for aspiring authors?

Morgan: Oh, man. This is going to sound really weird. If you have an idea in your mind that kind of makes you afraid, that's probably the one that you should investigate, I would say. If you have an idea in your mind, that it comes to you in flashes -- I know a story is important when I can see certain scenes visually or certain lines come to me. If you don't write it down, it's going to keep pestering you. It's going to haunt you in a sense. I would always tell writers that. Also, don't ask for permission. I say this especially for female writers or writers of color or female writers of color. Don't ask for permission. That's the way that I had to be with my career. When I didn't get those jobs that I told you about, I definitely sulked, but I also was like, listen, I may not be the best writer out there, but I'm going to work harder than the best writer out there. That involved me pitching relentlessly, getting rejected a lot, and doing it all over again and just trying every single angle I could to shoot my shot, basically. Don't ask for permission. Don't wait for somebody to say, yeah, it sounds like a good idea, go for it. Just start writing. Don't worry about it being perfect the first time. First drafts are supposed to be bad. That's why it's a first draft. You can revise in layers. I try to encourage writers to do the same.

 

Zibby: I love that. Morgan, thank you. I feel like we didn't talk too much even about your book which I felt like was so awesome. I learned so much about your family and your background and all your amazing research skills and all this. Readers will just have to get the book and find out the backstory, so to speak, Wandering in Strange Lands. Thank you, Morgan. This was such a nice chat.

 

Morgan: Thank you. It was a pleasure talking to you.

 

Zibby: You too.

 

Morgan: Take care.

 

Zibby: Buh-bye.

 

Morgan: Bye.

Morgan Jerkins.jpg

Laura Vanderkam, THE NEW CORNER OFFICE

Zibby Owens: Welcome, Laura. Thanks for coming back on "Moms Don't Have Time to Read Books" after I mistakenly deleted our episode. Thank you. [laughter] 

 

Laura Vanderkam: Thanks for having me back and not just leaving it in the trash can. I appreciate that.

 

Zibby: It's so ironic because you're a time management expert, essentially, in addition to other amazing skills. We had this great conversation about using time efficiently and managing our time and all this other stuff. Then I wasted your time completely by having the podcast not record. Anyway, here we are.

 

Laura: It's fine. Here I was five minutes late to this one because I was using the wrong link. [laughs] 

 

Zibby: I was literally about to go digging for the time zone. I'm like, really, did I mess this up again? These things happen. Nobody's perfect.

 

Laura: All good.

 

Zibby: Thank you. Let's talk about your book, The New Corner Office: How the Most Successful People Work from Home, which basically is almost everybody right now. Give listeners the low-down on what this book really helps people do and how you can empower people to work more successfully from home.

 

Laura: I wrote this book after I noticed in March that there were a lot of people who were working from home for the first time and suffering through a lot of really terrible Zoom happy hours and that they were probably going to be looking for advice on how to do this long term, to work from home both productively and ambitiously. I cranked this out, got tips on how you can redesign your workdays to take advantage of some of the upsides of working from home, how you can handle a self-directed schedule, how you can stay social and build your network when you're working from home, how you can think big about your career, and how you can take care of yourself at the same time.

 

Zibby: I want to hear all of those things. Where do we start? How do you stay social and expand your network while at home?

 

Laura: It is challenging. I think there's a bit of a false view of this, though. I know in the past when people were asking to work from home and negotiating to work from home, that term implying you need to give something up in order to do it, one of the arguments against it was that relationships are best built face to face. Obviously, when you're working from home, you are then not face to with many of your colleagues on those days. Very few places going forward from this are going to be a hundred percent virtual. Most places, it's just going to move the needle a little bit on how often it is acceptable to work from home. Most places will not stay five days a week remote for all of eternity once this is all over. In that sense, if you're going to be working from home two to three days a week and in the office two to three days per week, you don't have a problem with this because you'll just be very social on the days that you are in the office. That will be perfectly fine. 

 

In the meantime, there are a couple things you can do. You can certainly begin meetings with a little bit of social chit-chat. People are going to do it anyway, so it's good to put it on the agenda for all your meetings. Then it's accounted for, so it doesn't run over. Also, people are expecting it so you don't get that one guy who's always like, we don't have time for this, and cutting it all off before people have actually said what they meant to say. That helps. You can pick up the phone and call people. In our world where we have smartphones in our pockets, very few people use them as actual phones in the sense that you can call someone. If you've been working with somebody for six years, you don't actually have to schedule an appointment at a certain time, trading emails back and forth to be like, would it be acceptable to call you for ten minutes at this moment? You are allowed to pick up the phone and call. That is often the most efficient way. It's very good because then you hear their voice and talk and all that good stuff.

 

Zibby: I always find myself apologizing if I call.

 

Laura: How dare I use my phone, to this person who gave me your number. [laughs] 

 

Zibby: I should've checked with you first to see if it's okay. Also, I feel like if I call certain friends, they’ll think something's wrong.

 

Laura: [laughs] Oh, yeah. That's true.

 

Zibby: I'm like the school nurse. It's not emergency.

 

Laura: It's okay. That is true. Although, once you do it more regularly, people get used to it. Definitely if you're managing people and you're working from home, you do need to call your employees frequently so that they don't think they're in trouble every time you call. That's a very important managerial tip here. I'd actually say that one of the ways that working from home can be better for network building is that when you work in an office forty hours a week, a lot of your immediate need for social interaction and for professional networking feels satisfied by the people who you are working with closely. You go to lunch with your colleagues. You go to coffee with your colleagues. You chat with your colleagues. That's great except that the people you work closest with are not the only people in the universe that you probably should be getting to know. When you work from home, it's not so automatic that you would be going to lunch every day with your colleagues. Maybe you find somebody else to go to lunch with or somebody else to call, somebody else to have coffee with as that becomes more that people can do that as we come out of this. Then you could build a broader network when it's not just enforced by the social norms of your immediate office.

 

Zibby: How do you work from home while your kids are around?

 

Laura: This is complicated. Before all this happened, one of the most frequent conversations I would have with people who are looking to work from home was the "don't think you can save money on childcare" conversation. Some people would be like, wait, hey, maybe I don't have to pay for it. It's like, no, no, no, you still do. You cannot, long term, be the adult in charge of your young children during the hours you intend to work. Unfortunately, that reality has not changed just because we are in the midst of a pandemic that has thrown many people's childcare arrangements for a giant loop. What do you do? The most obvious thing, if your childcare arrangements are not available or the ones that are available are not acceptable to you, you can trade off with your partner. 

 

I have a schedule on my blog from a couple months ago that documents how each party can work either twenty-nine or thirty-one hours a week. Of those, twenty-five are pure focused hours. Four to six are probable hours using a combination of naptime and movie time and spouses covering for each other. If you are going to do that, it has to be strictly delineated who is in charge. The party who is in charge not only has to keep the kids safe, you have to keep them out of the other person's home office. That is the nature of the job. That's what you can do. If that's not going to work for your family, maybe there's another adult in a similar situation that you could likewise swap with, if it's a neighbor or another family member that you're willing to enter into the bubble together with. It's challenging. Hopefully, people will come to a place where if they need to, they can also find some sort of paid childcare that they feel they can trust for at least a few hours a week because the honest truth is you will get more done in two hours of focused work while somebody else is dealing with the children than you will in four hours of going back and forth between work and dealing with your kids.

 

Zibby: Look how focused I am. I have a babysitter in the next room. [laughs] 

 

Laura: There you go. That's what it's got to be, honestly.

 

Zibby: Otherwise, they're over my shoulders and popping in and whatever else. Although, sometimes I feel guilty. I'm home. Why do I need a babysitter?

 

Laura: You should get over that. [laughs] I hear this from people. I think it's just a change in mindset. When you're working from home, you're working. The operative part here is not at home. That just happens to be where you're doing it. You achieved the efficiencies of not commuting to an office. Great. Go you. That doesn't change the fact that you are working and the work still has to get done. If you were not available for intense in-person childcare when you were working at an office, that does not magically change just because you happen to be doing the same work at home.

 

Zibby: All right, okay. I felt a little guilt ebb, just a little. 

 

Laura: You see your family a lot. A lot of this is predicated on feeling guilty that you are maybe not seeing your family. I always suggest people try tracking their time if they are feeling that way. There are 168 hours in a week. Even if you are working 40 hours a week, which is a full-time job, if you subtract 40 from 168, you'll notice that there are a lot of hours still there. Even if you subtract your sleeping hours, you'll notice there are still a lot of hours still there. You can subtract housework. You can subtract whatever else you want. There are still a lot of hours. Many people do spend the majority of those with the people they live with. That tends to get rid of some of the guilt.

 

Zibby: I feel like my kids are experts at using the time that I have designated for sleep. [laughs] 

 

Laura: They want to interact with you during that time. Yes, exactly.

 

Zibby: Wait, tell me more. We talked about this last time that I deleted. I was in awe of your extensive time tracking system and how long you've been doing it and how meticulous and detailed. Tell me more about it.

 

Laura: All your listeners are going to know that I'm a bit of time management freak. I have been tracking my time on weekly spreadsheets since April of 2015.  My spreadsheets have the days of the week across the top, Monday through Sunday, half-hour blocks down the left-hand side, five AM to four thirty AM, so half-hour blocks for five and a half years at this point. I'm not going to bore everybody with a recounting of the five and a half years. The truth is, it's not terribly exact. I tend to check in three to four times a day. For instance, when I sat down at my desk this morning, I noted what I had done since about six PM last night. I will check in probably after this, so maybe one thirty, two PM will be another check-in, another in the evening, and that's it. Then it will be tomorrow morning again when I check in. Each check-in is thirty seconds to a minute. I just write down really quickly what I've done. It's not this big ordeal. It takes about the same amount of time as brushing my teeth. I like to think that a lot of your listeners have also been brushing their teeth quite regularly since April of 2015. [laughs] 

 

Zibby: That would be nice.

 

Laura: Yes. It's along that lines. It's just more data that I'm getting from it.

 

Zibby: What have you done with that data?

 

Laura: More in the beginning than I do now. In the beginning, I was quite into the analysis of it. I wound up writing an article for The New York Times in 2016 on what I had learned from tracking my time for a year. It was useful because I found some interesting stuff. In my speeches, for years, I've had some laugh lines about people overestimating how many hours they work. I joke about a guy I met at a party who told me he was working 180 hours a week, which is very impressive when you multiple 24 times 7. Everyone laughs about this, ha, ha, ha. Then it turns out when I track my time -- I used to think I worked like fifty hours a week because I had tracked my time here and there over the years. Then I realized in the past I had chosen very specific weeks to track, like those weeks where I worked fifty hours a week because that is what I wanted to see myself as doing. When I track a whole year, of course I can't do that. It turns out the long-term average is a lot closer to forty, which is a different number than fifty, turns out. [laughs] I saw that I was very consistent on sleep. I didn't get the same amount week to week, but over the long haul I tended to get 7.4 hours per day. If I tracked for two months, it would come out to 7.4. If I tracked for six months, a track comes out to 7.4. If I track for two years, it comes out to 7.4. Good to know. These days, it's serving more of a diary function. I haven't really added up the major categories in quite a while. I do love that I can look back over a previous week, any previous week from the past five and a half years, and see what I was doing. When I look at those notes, I tend to be able to reconstruct it in my brain, and so that week is not completely gone. The memory is still there. That has the effect of making time feel a lot more rich and full.

 

Zibby: When you're tracking it, how much detail are you putting into -- if I were to, say, work today, would I then put "interview Laura Vanderkam"?

 

Laura: You could if you wanted to. Oftentimes, I just put work. That's the basic email, writing an article, unless it's something that I'm trying to track to see how much time I am devoting to. Sometimes I will put the names of people I am speaking to, like if I'm interviewing or somebody's on my podcast or I'm on their podcast, just partly to have the names. It's the memory. I will remember it more if I say talk with Zibby versus podcast or just work. Sometimes I'll be a little bit more specific, but there's no rules. It's just for my benefit.

 

Zibby: I know, but if I were to try and maximize this, if I were to try to do this, I would want to go all in. If I'm going to spend a week tracking my time, I want to do it the right way.

 

Laura: The right way. Then you might want to be more specific. If you're only going for a week, it's a little bit easier to do that because you're not worried about the sustainability so much.

 

Zibby: You're trying to make time stand still, essentially. You're trying to capture the most elusive thing on the planet which cannot be captured. What's this about deep down, do you think?

 

Laura: [laughs] Do you want to psychoanalyze this?

 

Zibby: Yeah, I do.

 

Laura: Time passes. Once a second is gone, all the money in the world cannot buy it back. Yet our interactions with time are very different depending on what we do with it. I have found that recording it makes these years that people say pass so quickly feel a little bit more like this rich tapestry as opposed to a slick linoleum floor which is just sliding away. I do have more memories of the past five and a half years than I would have had if I had not been recording it. I'll still die anyway, but I do have this that I can look back on and recall.

 

Zibby: Do you take pictures?

 

Laura: I do, like everyone, just a cell phone. I'm taking like ten a day of my toast. [laughs] It's kind of the curse of modern life.

 

Zibby: I know. That's how I feel like I fill in my memory.

 

Laura: It's helpful too. Although, to some degree, photos are of particular moments. Then you can go long bits of time that are not particularly memorable, but there are things you could remember of them. I do both. Sometimes it's fun to look back at photos as well. I think that's something we could definitely spend more time doing too. Recently, my older kids and I were looking back through the whole iCloud thing from the past four years. It was amazing to see just how different even they looked in the past four years, let alone their younger siblings who were a baby and then one who didn't exist. Seeing that change is pretty profound to note the passage of time too.

 

Zibby: I don't know if you can see. I'm in my office in New York. Here, I'm going to just slide this. That bottom shelf is all photo albums. Each one has, I don't know, a thousand.

 

Laura: Oh, my goodness. Good for you for doing that.

 

Zibby: This whole shelf is also all photos.

 

Laura: So many people don't print them up anymore. That's the issue.

 

Zibby: That was pre-digital. Then starting on that shelf are all my digital albums. I am obsessive about monthly recounting in photos. Maybe I have the same complex as you in a different way. [laughs] 

 

Laura: That probably has a good high-level view of your time as well. I'm sure if you looked back through it you would see plenty of things that showed daily life then if you're being that good about tracking it.

 

Zibby: I'm trying, but I don't know. So how did you manage to get a book out this quickly?

 

Laura: [laughs] Well, you just write. I've written a lot of books, so it kind of flows pretty naturally. I've always been a swift writer. A lot of the material I was covering was stuff I've been writing about for years. I didn't have to entirely reinvent the wheel here. I just wrote down some of the tips I had learned. Then I went and found people who had been working from home and running their own companies or had been working as part of distributed teams for a great many years. They had tips. I could incorporate those as well. It's a short book. It's a quick read. You probably could get through it in less than an hour and a half. It's not War and Peace.

 

Zibby: We would have to track that, though. Now even reading the book is an hour. You're all over my time tracking then this week. No, I'm kidding. Obviously, I read this a while ago. You have lots of kids yourself. 

 

Laura: I do.

 

Zibby: Four kids? Did I make that up?

 

Laura: Five kids.

 

Zibby: Five kids, oh, my gosh. A baby is one of them, right? Didn't you just have --

 

Laura: -- Yes, one of them is a baby.

 

Zibby: That's like four and a half. 

 

Laura: Four and a half, sure. [laughs] 

 

Zibby: I'm kidding. Five kids, and you're doing all this writing. How do you do it? Not to say, how do you balance it all? because it's an annoying question. It sounds like you're strict about, this is when I'm working and this is when I'm not. Then even in the not-working time, managing five different sets of needs is a lot.

 

Laura: Yeah, it's challenging. Partly, babies are challenging too. This year, I'm doing it with a lot less energy because I'm not sleeping as well as I would certainly hope to be sleeping. That is what it is. Babies are tough. They're worth it, but they're tough. I try to get very clear each week on what needs to happen. I spend some time every Friday looking at the calendar for the upcoming week. I try to record anything that is time-specific or that's coming up. I put it on the calendar so I know it's going to happen. I spend some time on Friday looking at the upcoming weeks seeing what needs to happen to be on track for those things, looking at people's schedules, the kids, the different priorities they're going to have. I make myself a priority list for the next week with my top career things, my top relationship things, top personal things. The goal is to end every week with all of it crossed off, which means that I have to make it very limited. There is a strict winnowing that goes down through there. I look and say, is it possible for all this to happen in the week? 

 

If I'm trying to bite off more than I can chew, then I need to crunch it down a little bit more so that I can cross it all off. It definitely has been more challenging the past few months, partly because when the kids have all been home, there's just more potential for interruption. I haven't had as much open time and space to be a little bit more flexible of when things happen. To record, I have to make sure everyone's quiet and accounted for. That's been challenging. The good news is the baby's in childcare right now. The five-year-old, we put in a private school that was promising to meet in person and has been. Then the older three started school virtually, but they’ve been, past the first day, relatively self-sufficient. I did a lot of Zoom tech support the first few days. After that, they kind of go and disappear. I know roughly when they’ll come up for their breaks, but I can work around that. The past five weeks have been so much different than the five months before that. I feel sort of like, ahh. [laughs] 

 

Zibby: Do you have any advice for aspiring authors?

 

Laura: I do, which is to write a lot. We can't be too precious about writing. I find that each author who has a lot of good stuff coming up also just has a lot of stuff coming out. They discover cool ideas by trying different things and then seeing what resonates and then writing more about that or by forcing themselves to come up with hundreds of ideas of, say, blog posts per year. Out of those hundred, maybe one or two might be a good idea for a book, for instance. If you were only trying to come up with one or two ideas a year, the odds that those would be really good are minimal. Do a lot of it, as much as you possibly can. Your quality and your ideas and all that will become better through the sheer quantity of output.

 

Zibby: Love it, a perfectly quantitative awesome. I would expect none less. [laughter] I feel like you did really well on the math part of the SAT.

 

Laura: Maybe.

 

Zibby: I'm kidding. And English. Look at you. You're a writer too. Thank you so much. Thanks for coming back on "Moms Don't Have Time to Read Books." You're my only double.

 

Laura: I'm so thrilled. I'm honored. This is great.

 

Zibby: I learned new things this time. It was great. Take care. Thank you so much.

 

Laura: Thanks for having me.

 

Zibby: My pleasure. Buh-bye.

Laura Vanderkam.jpg

Kim Brooks, SMALL ANIMALS

Zibby Owens: Hi.

 

Kim Brooks: Hello.

 

Zibby: I listened to your book. I listened to most of it in the car on a few drives, so I feel like you're my friend. [laughs] I'm so used to your voice. It's all I've been listening to.

 

Kim: Thank you. It was fun to record. I'd never done anything like that before. By the time we got to the end, I was like, wow, acting is really work. Actors work. I guess I did kind of think they didn't work. It's hard to read something that long.

 

Zibby: I bet, but fun to listen to. Small Animals: Parenthood in the Age of Fear, this was so great. The first chapter, I was like, wow, this person gets it like nobody else. I'm sure people tell you this all the time. I have four kids myself. I hadn’t even read your book. I don't know how I had missed it. I read your fantastic New York Times article about divorce in the corona era. I was like, I have to talk to you. Then I read your book and I was like -- [laughs]. Anyway, here we are. Would you mind telling people who have not read Small Animals what this book is about and what inspired you to write it, particularly the incident?

 

Kim: The incident that kind of sparked the book took place quite a while ago now. It was about nine years ago now. I was home visiting my parents in Virginia. I live in Chicago. I was with my kids. My son who was about four and a half at the time -- the day that we were leaving I ran to a store about a mile from my parents' house. This is a very rural, suburban area where I grew up. When we got to the store, he asked if he could wait in the car. I was just going in to get one thing. I let him wait in the car for about five minutes, which was something that I honestly always remembered doing as a kid in this same area. I remembered waiting in the car while my parents ran into the store or went to look at furniture at Sears or whatever. I just always remember sitting in the car. It was a pleasurable memory. I thought, this is just a quick, five-minute thing. I pulled up in front. When I got back to the car, everything was fine. He was playing with my mom's iPad. We headed back to Chicago. It was only later I found out that someone who I would never meet and never see had seen me run into the store and let him wait there and had called the police.

 

The police had then showed up at my parents' house. They were looking for me and wanted to press charges because they viewed that I had done something dangerous. It was just this one incident that kind of snowballed into a year and a half of various types of difficulty, legal and otherwise, in my life, but that's not really what the book is about. That's the narrative backbone of the book. What the book is really about is me examining our notions of what it means to be a good parent and what it means to protect our children and thinking about why those ideas have changed so radically in the course of a generation or two. It was really the first point in my life when this happened that I started to think -- until then, I was very much going with the pack, running with the herd of anxious parents. That was the first moment when I was like, you know, this is kind of strange how obsessed everybody is with protecting and safety and fear of public spaces in a way that is so different from just thirty years ago. Why have things changed? Is the world more dangerous for kids? If not, which is what I found out, then what's happening? What's happening to the culture of parenthood?

 

Zibby: I agree. I think that's what your book's about too. [laughs] It was so interesting to get that lens. I don't know exactly how old you are. I'm forty-four now. I grew up in a time where I sat in the back of the station wagon all the time while my mom went in. Okay, one time I crawled in the front and smashed into a dumpster. For the most part, I was left and I was fine. That's just what happened. I watch even home videos. My brother and I are playing about to fall in the pool all the time. She's sunbathing. That is the way it was. In your scene when you visited your family and your mom was playing mahjong or something in the other room with her friends and talking about how crazy we all are as a generation of parents and how they hadn’t done it, I just so related to that. There is, even within families, a sort of culture shock in parenthood that has everybody scratching their heads. You tried to explain it. I shouldn't say tried to. You tried to unearth what the root cause of all of that was. I just so appreciated you trying to unlock the key to all of that because it affects me on a daily basis, and I'm sure so many other people.

 

Kim: I'm about the same age. I'm forty-two. It's interesting that you bring up your childhood. I think about it a lot. I should say that there's many strands to the mystery that I tried to tease out in the book. I do think that one of those strands is a reaction in people, our generation, against maybe some of the permissiveness of the eighties culture. Not all of us, but I think a lot of us feel like our parents were very distracted or very focused on themselves. It was a time where there was a lot of divorce. Women, on the one hand, were going back into the workforce, which was wonderful, but our country didn't really step up to provide any kind of system for support, national daycare or leave or anything like that. There was this frantic sense of nobody's watching the kids. That was a cultural anxiety. From the kids' perspective, I think there was sometimes a feeling that there was a lack of adult presence in our lives. Some of that, I think people have very nostalgic, positive memories of that kind of independence in childhood. I also think have some of us have negative memories too. I think what's happened with our generation is there's been kind of an overcorrection. It's funny, this is a slight digression. I was watching Big with my daughter a few nights ago. She's ten now. We've gotten on this eighties movie kick. One thing I noticed that I thought was so funny was -- have you seen Big?

 

Zibby: I saw it with my kids recently. Keep going, yes.

 

Kim: Obviously, there's tons of things, you're like, oh, my god. The lead woman character is smoking, a really funny thing. My daughter's like, "Why is she smoking?" I'm like, "People did it." The funny thing that I caught was that scene where Tom Hanks and the girlfriend are at the dinner party. The guy's kid comes in, the guy who's hosting the dinner party, and says, "Dad, I need help with my homework." The guy's kind of like, "Not now, son. I'm doing something adult." I just thought that would never even be in a movie. It would be so unimaginable to show that scene where a parent says, "I'm doing an adult thing. Go deal with this yourself." I thought, if they shot that movie now, everything would stop. The parent would have this very public display of, "I'm going to help my son." It just was one of those small details about how much the culture has changed.

 

Zibby: I was thinking when I watched that movie, I couldn't believe the kids were just wandering around the neighborhood by themselves all the time and biking and wandering. I'm like, what? They just go in and out of the house whenever they want. That was the part that I was like, wow. They were so little, too, in the movie.

 

Kim: Especially the friend. The whole premise is his friend keeps coming into New York City.

 

Zibby: Yes, that too.

 

Kim: He's like, "I just got to be home by ten." There were no cell phones. There were no GPS tracking devices. The two alternatives were either you kept your kid literally locked inside the house until they were eighteen or you gave them some independence and you tried to teach them skills. You gave them some freedom. I think now, maybe somewhat, it is caused by technology. There's this sense that we can be watching our kids all the time and we can be connected to our kids all the time. Then there's the question of, should we? What happens if we accept that?

 

Zibby: I have this confession which I haven't even thought about in a while. I was so on top of my twins from the moment they were born. Now my last two kids, I'm much, much better. I'm not so crazy. My twins, I stayed home with them. It was my job. I was going to not let them out of my sight. Then when they went to school, for their first field trip, I was like, what do you mean you're just going to take them on a two-and-a-half-hour drive? What if something happens? What if there's an accident? What if? What if? What if? I got them these little GPS things. I hid them in their backpacks. [laughs] Then all day, I was like, are they okay? It's kind of raining. I don't know. What if the road's slippery? This is obviously my own issue. As I said, I'm better now. As a first-time parent, it's crazy. I would go away with friends for entire weekends, and they'd be fine. Goodbye. Have fun in Woodstock.

 

Kim: Exactly. The technology has changed our notions of what is possible in a way that --

 

Zibby: -- Not to jump around too much, but I loved your chapter on moms competing against each other and why everyone is so quick to put down each other's choices and why, when we should all be lifting each other up and being one big community, moms are so quick to put down other people's choices, which basically stems, of course, from not feeling confident, essentially, in your own choices and that so much of the time it's not even really a choice. It's where you just had to end up. Instead of being upset or something, you have to just own it, and so you double-down on it and are like, I picked this, so shame on you for not picking the same thing. That was a summary. [laughs]

 

Kim: I should say, I feel like when I wrote the book, which was a number of years ago now, I was in maybe a moment of feeling a little bit disenchanted by that kind of competitive mom culture. As the years have passed and I've reflected on it more, I really wany to say that I don't blame moms at all for feeling competitive or insecure or comparing themselves to other mothers. I think that we live in this culture that undermines women and undermines mothers in so many different ways both subtle and overt. We get the message that women don't know what's best for their own children. You have to defer to some authority figure. It's things as outrageous as women being arrested for making reasonable parenting choices to small things, small condescensions that take place, or the culture that tells us the answer is in a book we need to buy, a product we need to buy, or a blog we need to subscribe to or whatever when really, most women know what's best for their children. One of the good things that will come, I hope, from the pandemic in the aftermath is that I do think there's been more and more women who are taking ownership of their choices and taking control of it and saying, maybe how my kid does on the standardized test in the context of a worldwide plague isn't the most important thing. Maybe we can have different values. Maybe sitting in front of the computer all day isn't the best way. I'm going to homeschool. I'm going to work with my neighbors or do things that a year or two ago would've seemed really radical and unconventional choices. Now we've been given an opportunity to do that.

 

Zibby: Very true. You also point out how there is no such thing as basically harassment of a mom. There's sexual harassment suits and all these other ways. Other groups are protected, but not really for moms. Anyone can poke their nose in your business. A policeman can feel like he has a right to interrupt somebody at Starbucks like you wrote about or any of that. The moms kind of just have to take it. Whereas if it was a dad, you'd be like, oh, he must have had something really important to do. It's no biggie. I found that very interesting.

 

Kim: Unfortunately, I think it's true. I think it's still very true. I think that there's kind of a sense that if we can pose something as being an issue of child safety, then mothers have no rights. Then that priority takes away any kind of rights of a mother and any kind of rights of a child. The children don't have rights to do things either if there's any risk to their safety. The problem is being alive is risky. Being a person in the world is risky. In the book, there's a point where I interview this social scientist at UC Irvine. She makes that point where she says if some politician -- I won't name any in particular. If some politician got on TV and said, "I love women so much. We just need to protect them from something terrible happening to them. Women are abducted by strangers or assaulted, so women need to not be out in public by themselves just because I want to protect them," we would say, thanks but no thanks. We'll take that risk because we want to be people who move through the world. What this woman said, this social scientist, was that people will say that that same principle doesn't apply to children. She said, "I don't think that's exactly right." Obviously, it's not the same, but children do have some rights. Children have some rights to some amount of risk.

 

Zibby: It's so interesting, wow. Now the most recent article you wrote for The Times, which was so good -- I am divorced. It's been five years. I'm remarried. COVID has elevated some issues under the surface, as most stressful things are want to do, and so I found myself particularly relating to your essay. You almost point out that -- why don't you say more about it? There are so many different pieces of it that I found so interesting, not the least of which is that you had to do all the court stuff and finalize everything with your lawyers on Zoom, which is crazy. I also felt like having just finished this book, I was like, oh, no, they broke up. [laughs]

 

Kim: That’s the thing. We did break up. As I say in the essay, he lives across the street. I live here with my partner who's hiding upstairs. He lives with his partner. I should say, we were separated for a long time before we divorced. Some people have written to me. They were like, "How did you find another partner in the middle of a pandemic?" We were separated for some time. I think that there's this idea that divorce sort of has to be a tragedy for children and for family and that if you get divorced from someone it means that you hate them and you blame them and there's all this conflict and animosity. I'm not going to say that there haven't been any moments of conflict. Obviously, there's conflict when you're dealing with a big change. Overall, I think that we both chose to take the view that this was something that was good for both of us and that the fact that we were moving from being husband and wife to be coparents and friends and next-door neighbors for the time being, that that didn't have to be a tragic thing. It might be hard. It might be a transition. We were married for sixteen years. We didn't kill each other. We brought two amazing kids into the world. We could cherish that and still say, this is the best thing for both us, and see it as a kind of growth and restructuring of our family as opposed to a destruction of our family, which is, I think, the traditional way we think about divorce.

 

Zibby: I love that the divorce lawyer said she was in family restructuring. That's so genius. I loved it.

 

Kim: Can I ask you, though -- I'm just curious.

 

Zibby: Yeah, sure.

 

Kim: You've been divorced for five years. Were your kids pretty young when that was...?

 

Zibby: Yes. They were very, very young. I have four kids. We separated when my youngest was about nine months old.

 

Kim: Oh, wow. Stressful.

 

Zibby: I'm not supposed to talk about it publicly. It had been brewing.

 

Kim: I just was curious more about, did you find in the years that followed that there was still a lot of stigma to being a divorced person with small children? That's the thing that I found interesting. I guess I thought both things. I've internalized the stigma, but then I was also conscious of it. It is funny that it's 2020, but that it's still sort of stigmatized to have kids and to say, no, I'm getting a divorce and this is for the best. There were still so many people who sort of viewed it that it has to be a horrible thing. Did you have a similar experience?

 

Zibby: Yes, I did. I was shocked, actually, by the responses when I started telling people about it. By the time I finished telling and everything, I realized it has all to do with their own marriages. People's responses, it's all about how they feel. It has nothing to do with me and my kids and my kids' lives or anything, but I didn't know that at the time. I've tried to tell people who I know who are newly getting divorced, take all the responses with a grain of salt. I had people bursting into tears and being like, "But your kids." I'm like, yeah, I know, but I actually believe strongly this decision is the best thing for my kids. I still believe that. It sucks. It's hard. It's not to say I don't cry still a lot when they leave or if they get sad. Now my youngest is almost six. This has been their whole lives, my two youngest. My oldest are twins. They're thirteen. They're used to it. A lot of people were, "Are you sure? The poor kids." I'm like, you don't know what it was or what it will be. You just don't know.

 

Kim: I think you're right that it has more to do with people's own insecurities. There's a lot of people who don't want divorce to be a reasonable choice. Obviously, people like you and I aren't going around saying everybody should get divorced.

 

Zibby: No, no. It's terrible. I wish I weren’t.

 

Kim: Of course. When people say, "But for me, for us, for our family, this was the best choice," to some people who have put up with a lot or who have accepted really unsatisfying relationships, it's like, oh, that's a choice? That's a reasonable choice you can make? It can be very destabilizing.

 

Zibby: Yes. So many people feel so trapped. They want to leave, but they can't or they can't afford to leave. There's so many reasons why people stay. Even yesterday, I just saw this ad for Purina Dog Chow that said there's this new initiative because forty-seven percent of domestic abuse victims don't leave because they don't want to leave their pets, which I thought was so interesting. Okay, so now there's another wrinkle. It's very hard. If you can and you need to and you're able to, that's one thing. So many people aren't able to. You're just a mirror. You're just a mirror for their failings or their feelings of failure or their sadness at what they don't have and whatever.

 

Kim: It circles back to the issues in the book about when -- it's true that it's very hard for a lot of people to leave. Some of that, I think, has to do with our lack of autonomy as parents and our lack of a support system, our lack of wider community of social safety nets. People feel trapped sometimes in unhealthy marriages because women literally are trapped. They're financially dependent, dependent in other ways. That's something that hopefully will start to change.

 

Zibby: The only times that I really feel like I'm in a community -- not to say I don't have a lot of friends and people I love and people who are great with my kids, but it's only when something absolutely terrible happens where I cannot move when I actually feel that. "Hey, can you pick up the kids today? Would you mind taking so-and-so home with you?" or something. Then people, "Of course." I would love to help other people. I hope that this is different in some other communities where people -- I feel like in your experience and mine, that's not what it has been like, which is a shame.

 

Kim: It is a shame. I think it's very much due to this culture of the nuclear family and this idea that it's every mom for herself. It's every nuclear family for themselves. To ask for help or to reach out is to sort of --

 

Zibby: -- Impose.

 

Kim: Impose on people instead of, no, this is what humans do. They help each other out. One of the saddest parts of writing Small Animals was when I talked to this woman, Debra Harrell, who's an African American woman. She was charged with endangerment or neglect for letting her daughter play unsupervised in a park while she went to work one day at McDonald's because she didn't have childcare. Her childcare fell through. The daughter was completely fine. It was a very busy park with tons of adults. There was a camp running there. There were a lot of kids. When I was doing that part of the book, I watched online -- they since took it down. There was a video of her being interrogated by this police officer after she was arrested. He just kept belittling her and saying, "This is your daughter. She's your responsibility, nobody else's. Nobody else is responsible for this girl." She was crying as he said this. It just was so heartbreaking. On the one hand, this woman knows that no one else is looking out for her kid. This is a single mom who's taking care of her kid on her own. Second of all, I thought, it's true, and isn't that a tragedy? Isn't that so heartbreaking that we live in a country where nobody cares about other people's kids and that the expectation is that you look out for your kid and no one else is? No one's going to do it for you. It's really sad. Again, I hope that that's something that we'll change as we reexamine everything.

 

Zibby: What's coming next for you? What are you up to and all that now?

 

Kim: I am actually working on a new book about marriage and divorce and female friendship and a bunch of other things. I think it's going to be called Nobody's Okay: On Marriage, Madness, and Rebellion. It's a memoir and general nonfiction. It kind of takes up where Small Animals leaves off. It's the last six years of my life in navigating all of these things. I'm very excited about it. My agent was going to send it out to publishers about a week ago, but we decided that everyone was too distracted by the election. Literally, I went to Starbucks, and the woman giving me my coffee wanted to talk about the debate with me. Everyone's very anxious and focused right now. We said that we're going to send it out after the election. That hopefully will be my next project.

 

Zibby: Do you have any advice to aspiring authors?

 

Kim: Gosh. My advice is to just be compassionate with yourself and to see writing or whatever you're trying to do as -- to look at the long game. I write a little bit about this in Small Animals and more so in this new book. I think about the many years of feeling like I wasn't a real writer because I hadn’t published a book and feeling like even though I was writing all the time, it didn't count somehow. Of course, that just made everything worse. This is not very original. A writer is somebody who writes. Just because you haven't reached the milestone you might want to yet doesn't mean you're not going to get there eventually.

 

Zibby: Love it. Thank you, Kim. Thanks for talking today. Thanks for your book and your article and all the rest. I can't wait for your next book. That's awesome.

 

Kim: Thank you. It was great talking to you.

 

Zibby: You too. Take care. Buh-bye.

 

Kim: Bye.

Kim Brooks.jpg

Matthew John Bocchi, SWAY

Zibby Owens: Welcome, Matt. Thank you so much for coming on "Moms Don't Have Time to Read Books."

 

Matthew John Bocchi: Morning, Zibby. Thanks for having me. It's a pleasure to be here.

 

Zibby: Your book was so good. I loved it. I could not put it down. I read all the way to the end, every word. I was like, don't even talk to me, when I was reading it. Congratulations on writing this beautiful memoir.

 

Matthew: Thank you. Thank you so much.

 

Zibby: Can you please tell listeners what Sway is about?

 

Matthew: The quick synopsis and the easiest way to put it, in terms of themes and messages, I think that my story encapsulates resilience, inspiration, hope. My story is, really, it starts off as a 9/11 story, but it shifts drastically. My dad worked at [indiscernible] on the 105th floor of the north tower and passed away on 9/11. The reason why I think 9/11 is such an integral part of the story is because it's the catalyst to everything else that happened in my life. Not only that, but it's really when my life changed. All of our lives really changed. For someone who was personally affected by it, it had a really long-lasting effect on me. The early years after 9/11 I spent trying to figure out how my dad died. Hearing what I was told from family wasn't enough and didn't suffice for me. I wanted to have every single minute and second of those last moments outlined and figured out. I really wasn't going to stop until I got to that point. As the years went on, I was really, really direct and poignant with my questions. I had facts and data and research to back up all the things that I was asking. This inquisitiveness really was what was my initial downfall that led to me being sexually abused by an uncle through marriage. As that transpired, the feelings that I started to accumulate of guilt and shame -- embarrassment was a big one. All those feelings led me to start using drugs and alcohol as a way to cope with my feelings and emotions. I went down a path of drug addiction for many years and by the grace of god was able to pull myself out of it. I've maintained my sobriety since. My story, it's a continual downfall as it progresses. Of course, there's a happy ending. There's a rising at the end.

 

Zibby: Wow. As I was reading it, just one thing after another, I wanted to reach out and hug you and be like, oh, my gosh, I can't believe this is happening. Now this is happening. Yet you kept -- I guess you just keep on keeping on. That's what you have to do. You just did it. Your resilience is amazing, I guess is all I'm trying to say.

 

Matthew: Thank you.

 

Zibby: Can we talk first about 9/11? You're one of the first people, if not the very first person, to write a memoir from the experience of a child of someone who had died that day. My best friend actually also worked in the north tower, and roommate. It's so crazy for me to think that just a few floors up your dad was there and was my friend was there. What happened that day? Like you, your obsession with or what you later called an addiction to watching the footage religiously, almost, is something I shared at the beginning just watching all of the jumpers as so many people probably did to see if they could spy their loved one. What were they wearing? That's such a unique phenomenon to this event, I feel like, that need to understand what happened. Tell me a little more about your compulsion to research and that need you had to understand the end and why it felt so important to you to know.

 

Matthew: If you look at 9/11 itself from a third-person, third-party point of view, especially someone who grew up in the tri-state area, people who knew the World Trade Center, to be witnessing what was going on with obviously the planes, but then watching people voluntarily jump to their deaths as a way out, as a way to not have to deal with what was going on inside, it was so baffling and perplexing to me that I was amazed by it. On some sort of philosophical level, I think I was looking for myself in also trying to figure out my dad's story. I am the oldest of four boys. Being a nine-year-old kid at the time, I think that there was just a need to figure out who I would become as a person in a sense too. Really, by watching these last moments to try to figure out my dad's story, I was trying to figure out who he was as a person. Although, you can't figure that out in someone's final moments in something so tragic and horrible as what was going on in there. I was extremely naïve, and I thought I could.

 

What I started to realize through time and watching certain documentaries was people, they at least claimed that they were getting some sort of closure by finding out, good chance my loved one was a jumper. This picture pretty much looks like them. They knew. They had their answers, and that was that. For me, I thought maybe I would have my closure and my peace and know, okay, my dad made a few phone calls after the plane hit and then he realized there wasn't a way out, and that was that. But I didn't have that, so I held onto that. I held onto the belief that maybe he was able to figure out something. Maybe it wasn't so bad for him in there. As I continued to watch those videos and stuff and look at the pictures, seeing the tragedy unfold, it's just a horrible thing to witness, obviously. Knowing that my dad was in there and that's where he spent his final moments, it just really overwhelmed me to a degree. I'm at a point now where I know the answers. I know what I'm going to know and what I will forever know. I also know that I will not be able to find out every little detail. That is something I'm okay with today, but it took me a long time to get to that point to really be at peace, so to speak.

 

Zibby: Wow. The intensity of the search and all of the ways that you wrote about it were just so moving, and even how you described the fact that he was able to call and that you do have a record. You knew that he knew, and then as all these details emerged, how you had to make sense of that yourself.

 

Matthew: I think too, he really did know. That's the thing that's fascinating to me too, is the fact that he called two minutes after the plane hit. I think that there was already a level of uncertainty inside the tower. I have a feeling that things got bad pretty quickly just given the fact that he faced that head on. It would only get worse, obviously, as time would progressed. Also hearing that, too, from my family -- I didn't get to witness that myself. I didn't get to go through that myself. I didn't get to speak to him. I wanted something for myself. I wanted something greater that I could hold onto, that I could cherish. There's so many positive stories. There's good Samaritan stories like the guy with the red bandana and stories like that where there's a happy ending for the family. I was so determined to find that happy ending story. Even though my dad didn't make it out, maybe he did something miraculous or heroic before he passed. That was something I was really trying to figure out and search for. All it did was bring up more anger and sadness and confusion.

 

Zibby: Also, for you, exposing yourself at such a young age to that graphic, awful, violent, just disturbing imagery, that is a lot for anybody to take on. That in and of itself, it's like watching a trillion R-rated movies at the wrong age over and over. The trauma of that, how do you even get over that part?

 

Matthew: And it's real life. That's the thing. I'm twenty-eight years old. I have a lot of friends who live in Manhattan. You go in there, and you look at the skyscrapers. Even the skyscrapers that are forty stories high, that are not big, big buildings, that don't overcome the skyline, and you realize that the World Trade Center was nearly triple that, and that's what people were watching. People on the outside were watching that. Twenty-eight years old now. I've had friends who finished my book and they told me, "Look, I'm going to be honest with you. I actually started looking at some of that stuff. After reading what you said and wrote and how you wrote it, I was curious to see for myself." I don't know to what degree they looked at it. I didn't really ask. I think for so many people it was so easy to try to forget back then, especially around my age. I was obviously relatively young. For people like myself to be doing what I was doing and searching what I was searching, it got to a point where it was completely voluntary. I wanted to try to find something.

 

I think that people realize how almost heartbreaking my story is, or what I went through as a child. Many of my friends who also lost their dads on 9/11 did not go through that. They didn't want to know. They didn't want to look at that. Maybe they just accepted it for what it was worth. Their dad died, and he's not coming back. That's that. For me, I wanted something more. That's just the story of my life. Nothing was ever enough for me. I always, always, always wanted something greater. Even with writing my book, I can't even tell you the amount of rewrites I've done. Now the book's in hardcover out for everyone to read. I haven't even read it back to back yet. I've read it on the PDF and stuff. If I read that book -- I opened up to the epilogue. I'm searching through it. I'm finding words that I would change. This is what I do. I over-critique myself. I'm just trying to grow as a writer, but I look for things that I wish I wrote differently or maybe had a different change on a certain way to express something. There's certain things that I wish I did differently. I guess I could for the paperback.

 

Zibby: There's always the paperback. I want to talk about your writing, but just one story which will probably make me sound crazy. I had always believed that my friend Stacey had died instantly because the plane hit right at her floor. Her mom said the phone rang once right at that time. Stacey always used to get to her desk and call her mom. Our belief collectively was that she had gotten to the office, sat down, started to call her mother, the plane hit, and she died instantly. That's our theory because nothing ever turned up. Then I had a session with this medium. This sounds so hokey. Until this session, I didn't really believe in mediums. She said all this stuff about other people that I just thought there was no way. Anyway, she told me that that is not what happened to Stacey and that she heard a loud explosion, so she must have been elsewhere in the building, and that she was with a nice older man. The two of them were trying to find their way out, and then it happened. I don't know if I believe that or not.

 

Matthew: She was trying to find her way out and then the building collapsed?

 

Zibby: Yeah, or something. I don't know. The thing is about these things, we'll never know, but now I have two theories in my head.

 

Matthew: With mediums, I've had one experience with them. Actually, I take that back. My mom has had one experience, or at least that I know of. I never have. I did a psychic. It wasn't the same. Those, I don't maybe believe to a certain degree. If I really believed in them, my book would've been a best seller three years ago. My mom had an experience with a medium that was -- she said what you just voiced, that there was no way of knowing some of these things. I've been kind of curious myself to check that out and see. It’s one of those things where it's like, do you believe it? Do you want to believe it?

 

Zibby: I know. I don't know. It gave me some sort of sense of peace.

 

Matthew: I think it should.

 

Zibby: Hearing it from someone else, like, I know what happened, but she's okay now. Anyway, whatever. Let's go back to your writing of this book. [laughs] The writing itself is amazing. Some memoirs, along the way they might say how much they loved writing or something. I didn't get anywhere in here that you had turned to writing as a coping technique at all. The drugs and all the other stuff you did were very spelled out. I was wondering, when did the writing start? Have you always loved to write? It just didn't come through in the text. How did you do this? The crafting of it is exceptional, all of it, the time, the way you go back and forth in time, the language, the immediacy. Tell me about that part.

 

Matthew: First of all, thank you for that. I, like I said, critique my writing. I'm really overly critical too. I do probably what authors and writers should not do 101, read people's reviews of your book. A lot of people -- not a lot of people. I focus on the minority. That's the way it always goes. I have a lot of good reviews. Then I have a couple reviews that have said where I either skipped out on parts on maybe fast-forwarded through parts or something. I briefly mentioned it towards the end about how I used to journal as a kid. I'm not sure if you remember that part. What it came down to was -- my mom's brother is a music journalist. He gave me my first journal when I was ten years old. He wrote a little note on Christmas morning. He said, "I've gone through hundreds of these journals in my life. Write whatever comes to your mind. Don't overthink it." In the beginning, I did that. I wrote. Whatever came to my mind, I wrote. Then I started treating it sort of like homework. I kind of strayed away from it because I didn't really like that. I would go to bed and write, "School was good." There was nothing deeper.

 

I was talking about this, actually, with one of my friends from Villanova. One of my biggest regrets in college is that I didn't pursue creative writing the way I should have, or writing in general. I didn't pursue my goals and dreams because, obviously, I was going through addiction. I think I was fixated on continuing the story that people wanted for me, which was go into finance or whatever. When I got sober, I started speaking at schools. As time went on in my speaking -- I started off as the basic 9/11 story, into drugs, now recovered. Then I started going a little bit deeper. Then when I got deeper and I talked about the abuse and my obsession with my dad's death and all that stuff, people were really blown away by that and said to me, "You should write a book." For me, the journaling started to continue in sobriety. I shouldn't say started to continue. It remerged in sobriety. I started writing just basic things. It was just whatever was coming to my mind, and the pain, physical pain, emotional pain, mental pain, all the things I was feeling. Then in 2016, I said, you know what, I'm going to do this. It was the tail end of 2016. I started writing. The way I did it initially was -- I didn't even have a laptop at the time. I had nothing. I borrowed my brother's laptop.

 

I started dating stories. I still have that original document. I started dating the stories. It was like, December 2014, then I would just write out the story. I finished about fifty thousand words in three months. Then I went to an editor. He was like, "I think you need to do this, do this." We worked on it. I wrote another thirty or forty thousand words but then cut out fifteen. Finished the first draft in 2017 and then started pitching it to agents. Nothing was happening. Then I started rewriting it. That's where I think I started to find my voice big time because I really had to get vulnerable. There was a lot of things that weren’t there in the beginning. It was very surface level. I got really deep and basically just said my whole entire story in graphic detail. I think that's what people are amazed by, is the honesty, especially as a heterosexual male, saying some of the things that I said, that I admitted to happening. Most people don't want to talk about that stuff. I think that vulnerability was important for me in order to grow as a person too. Then I continued rewriting stuff. The first ending that I had was not well-rounded. It was strictly chronological in the beginning. I didn't want that. I was viewing it almost as a movie. I wanted it to be a little creative. I wanted parts to move around. That's when I started moving segments around. I had to find the right spots for them. I finally had these clicking moments where it was like, all right, here it is.

 

For instance, my dad's car, that scene with my uncle going to get the car was initially way in the beginning. I changed that to move it to the end and then finished the story with us driving the car. As time went on, I found my voice. I did. Now I write every day. One of the issues that I ran into, not issues but sort of a dilemma, was I was writing the way I write now for my nine-year-old voice. I had to go back in time to not reflect. It had to be in the moment. What were you feeling in the moment? For me, to remember some of those details was really, really hard. I had to put myself back there to do that. Same thing with fourteen-year-old. I know what I look back at now and how I reflect on these moments. That can't be laid out for the reader. It has to be in the moment and as it progresses. What's a beautiful thing now is that I can write now. I'm twenty-eight years old. This is my writing now. It's a little bit slower with dragging out imagery a little bit more. I'm trying to really slow it down for a reader like describing the cardigan, things like that, whereas I felt at times I had to condense certain things, certain parts of the story where maybe I would like to have expanded a little bit more or gone into a lot more detail. It gets to a point too, as you know, with the editing process where, does it need to be there? Is it really going to move the reader one way or the other? I'll be honest with you, as a kid and as time went on, did I envision myself to be writing? Absolutely not. There's days that I don't want to do it, of course. There's days that it feels like a job in that sense. Then there's a day like today, a muggy day, where all I want to do is read and write. It has its perks and benefits sometimes.

 

Zibby: I literally posted a picture yesterday of me reading a book because it's so disgusting outside. I'm like, that is all I want to do. That is not what I am doing. Reading, writing, cozy, maybe under the covers, oh, my gosh, that would be a dream day. That's one of the perks of writing. Are you working on another big project? What are you up to?

 

Matthew: There's a couple things. I was approached by a couple screenwriters about adapting it to a movie. I would like to have some sort of say in the writing process for that. There's been discussions of that. That's sort of where I'm going. The thing is, writing a memoir versus a screenplay, it's a totally different type of writing. I'm a little hesitant in a way if I want to put both feet into that fully. The thing with my story is, I knew this going into it, I could've split it up into three books, essentially. I didn't want to do that at the end because what I felt was especially 9/11 and the sexual abuse led into everything else that I did. I don't blame them. I don't use them as reasons for doing what I did. I know I have an addictive personality. It's just who I am as a person. I felt that it would be remiss if I didn't include it all because these all played into each other. It was just a domino effect.

 

People were saying, "Maybe you should split it up." I didn't want just a story of me, 9/11, and all that. I wanted it to be different. I think it certainly is. Now where the book ends versus where I am today is about four years. Besides the epilogue where I fill the readers in on where I am, where it ends was four years ago. I have four years of, in sobriety, struggles and other things that I went through. I'm debating about taking an Augusten Burroughs type of spin on it and continuing. Then maybe in continuing the story, I can also really touch back on things from my childhood that are not in Sway where it's not going to be repetitive. Obviously, there has to be a creative and artistic approach to do that. I don't want it to be repetitive. I think that there's a lot of stuff that has transpired in the last four years that people who were really into my story and wanted to know more about where I am today and all that stuff will definitely -- I think they’ll find it maybe somewhat satisfying and see a little bit more growth in the last four years.

 

Zibby: I also really wanted the continuation of how everything that happens towards the end affected your family. You had one sentence about it, like, this destroyed my family, or whatever. I was like, wait, what? What happened?

 

Matthew: That's the big thing. It was really tough because I could've continued writing and writing and writing.

 

Zibby: You ended in a good place. I'm just saying now talking to you. I don't want you to give away the ending to other people.

 

Matthew: To answer your question, yes, there's a lot that I could fill in for that. There was a lot of things that -- we could take it offline -- that happened that I think I could tie it back creatively to when it happened originally and some of the feelings that came.

 

Zibby: So you are definitely never going back to finance? Is that it?

 

Matthew: Unless some place wants to pay me some great money to sit on a board and do nothing. Look, I said this about two and a half years ago. I was working at the company my dad would be working at now if he was still alive. I was there for about four months. Then I didn't pass one of my financial series exams. I was presented with the opportunity to leave or basically drive myself to insanity by staying there. I was like, all right, I'm leaving. Back then, I was like, I'm going to take my dad's death and the feelings that he had leading into his job and that day of wanting to quit and not having the chance to do it and finding his true passion in life, I'm going to do that. I didn't do it. Now after finally getting the story out there -- the publication's there. It's out. Everyone can read it. A couple of my dad's colleagues reached out to me, one of which was in the book. I changed his name, but he's in the book. Peter is his name in the book. He's very proud of me. He's like, "Your dad would be very proud of you. Your dad would be really proud of the fact that you're not trying to go down this road." He's still in finance. He was trying to get me to come work for him. This was recently. This was right before COVID. He's like, "I'm not going to even offer you a job if you beg. You're good at this. You should pursue this. This is what is your path." I think I found my path, so I'm sticking with this. I'm sticking with it.

 

Zibby: Good for you. That's the best ending to any story, is finding your purpose in life. I think the only perk, perhaps, of 9/11 is that it caused so many people to switch gears and say, this is important to me. Life is short. This is what I'm going to do.

 

Matthew: Life is short.

 

Zibby: It just took you a little bit longer, maybe. One question I just have to ask is -- I know we're almost out of time. I want to know how your brothers and your mom are doing and how they felt with the book coming out.

 

Matthew: They're all doing well. My mom, as time went on, I'd print out, old-fashioned, print out a chapter at a time. She got to chapter five or six around the time where the abuse starts. We had to put it on pause for a little bit. Then when I got my complimentary copies from the publisher, she was like -- I got them about a month or so prior to it coming out. I was like, "Here's your book." She's like, "I'm not going to read it. I'm not going to read. I'm going to read it. I'm going to read it." She didn't know what to do. Then she got to her own answer of, you lived it, I can read it. She read it. My mom is not a quick reader, but she breezed through it. She loved it. It's difficult for her to read, obviously. My brothers, they're very proud of me. They're very proud of me for getting my story out there and being diligent with it and determined and persistent to get it done and get it out. To my knowledge, I don't know if they’ve read it in full. It's hard for them. It's hard for them because they didn't have the same effect with 9/11 that I did. They didn't go through the other things that I went through. They know about it, but to read it on paper I think makes it a little bit more real. It certainly is the same for a lot of my family too. My mom and dad, both of sides of my family, for them to read it just makes it more real. This is not some random author. This is not some fiction piece. This is their nephew or their grandson, whatever. I think in some ways it makes it a lot harder to swallow too because how crazy that this all happened under everyone's eyes? No one was expecting that.

 

It was really cool for them seeing me on TV and stuff. I hit a couple of my brother's favorite spots, so he was really happy about that. It was important to be up front and address this and be okay with who I am. To say that on national TV -- my mom was saying to me during the release -- that was the one thing that they were asking me a lot about. How are you feeling? How are you doing? It's just so surreal as you're going through it that it almost doesn't feel real. Four years ago, I was writing this book. I was thinking at first, I'm going to write it, I'll get an agent in probably like three months, maybe a month. I'll reach out to ten agents, and one of them is going to grab it. You know the process. It's hard. To think that it actually happened is, to me, the biggest success that I could have. If it does really well, the best-seller list, obviously I'll be happy, but that wasn't my end goal from day one. The little messages I'm receiving on Instagram and stuff like that are, to me, what I did this for. Parents of sons or daughters with addiction, people who went through 9/11, that's why I did this, people to be like, thank you for telling your story, and that they can get something out of it.

 

Zibby: That's the true gift that you leave. It's a true gift. Last question. What is your advice to aspiring authors?

 

Matthew: It sounds very cliché, but just don't ever give up. Look, I think it was really easy at some points in the writing life -- not that self-publishing is a sign of failure. It's not, but I was very close to either just saying, I'm not going to get this book out there ever and I'm not going to even self-publish it, or I'm going to self-publish it and then we'll see what happens. I didn't go the traditional way either. I don't have an agent right now. I was able to get in contact with my publisher who's a little bit smaller. We worked out a great deal and everything that was okay with me and definitely has its perks for sure. It was not an easy step. The rejection is what I think adheres a lot of writers and prevents them from really continuing to pursue it. You get a couple rejections from agents and you think, my story's not good enough or my writing's not good enough. It's really hard to hear it, but you have to just keep going. You'll find your right fit finally. One day, you'll find that fit. I remember there was one time I had an agent who lost their uncle on 9/11. I'm reading her response. I'm like, oh, my god, this is it. I finally found the one. Then she's like, "But it's too close of a story for me. I can't do this." It was really hard for me as someone who has insecurity issues to begin with and self-confidence and self-esteem issues to get those rejections. Sometimes they're just so bland that it's like, my story sucks. My writing's not good. It's very easy to get in your head. You really have to stay persistent and know that your writing is good in whatever way. Someone's going to find something from your story, whether it's nonfiction or fiction. That would be my advice. Keep going. Don't give up.

 

Zibby: That's excellent advice. Matt, thank you. It was so nice to talk to you.

 

Matthew: Thank you. Likewise. It was awesome.

 

Zibby: I had a few more questions. [laughs] Thank you so much for coming on the podcast and for this beautiful book complete with this amazing cover, by the way. I didn't even really pick up on what this was until halfway through the book. I was like, oh. Well done.

 

Matthew: Thank you so much. We'll certainly be in touch. I'll keep you posted. By the way, thank you. I have to thank you again for nominating my book for the GMA list.

 

Zibby: Of course.

 

Matthew: It was so funny. When I found out the connection to that, I was like, oh, my god, I have to reach out to her. I have to try to get on her podcast.

 

Zibby: I actually had meant to reach out to you. Then things got crazy. I'm so glad that you did. It's perfect. I wanted to have you on from when I first got ahold of it.

 

Matthew: Thank you so much. Bye.

 

Zibby: Bye, Matt.

Matthew John Bocchi.jpg

Liz Petrone, THE PRICE OF ADMISSION

Zibby Owens: Welcome, Liz. Thanks so much for coming on "Moms Don't Have Time to Read Books" to talk about your amazing memoir, The Price of Admission: Embracing a Life of Grief and Joy.

 

Liz Petrone: Thank you for having me.

 

Zibby: It's such a pleasure. Your book was moving and well-written and soulful. I just was like, I love this woman. [laughs] You know when you read something and you're rooting for the person so much and you care right away? I had that feeling reading your book.

 

Liz: Thank you.

 

Zibby: Would you mind telling listeners what your memoir is about? What made you even write a memoir to begin with?

 

Liz: This book was seven years in the making. The book that got published was probably the fifth iteration of this book. It was a process. In the book, I talk about the loss of my mother. We lost her after a struggle with addiction and mental illness. She was bipolar. Eventually, she committed suicide. That was about seven years ago now. If you follow that timeline, as soon as she died, I sat down and said, we need to be talking about this stuff. I've said in a lot interviews since the book came out that I feel like my mom died of a disease of silence. We live in this society where we don't talk about these things. We don't do a very good job of dealing with addiction and loss and grief and mental illness as a society. We didn't do a good job as a family. When she died, the very first thing I did was sit down and start writing because I really believe that we need to be talking about this stuff. That includes my own story, which of course is woven in through the book. We talk about my mother, but I also talk about my own struggle with an eating disorder and my own suicide attempt when I was younger and my own struggles with depression and anxiety. I think these are universal themes that we need to be doing better telling the truth about.

 

Zibby: That's amazing. So many of the scenes here were crystal clear as if you were living them then, like the scene in the elevator and the scene with your daughter in your tummy. They were just so clear. Are you the type of person who was journaling or recording these along the way, or do you just have an amazing memory?

 

Liz: I think maybe it's somewhere in between those two things. I don't know if you watched The Office. When Pam and Jim are getting married, they do this little mental camera where there's these moments. You just kind of know that these moments are something bigger than they feel like when you're living them. I think especially if you're a writer, but probably if you're any sort of creator or artist at all, you look at your life as you're living it through that lens a little bit. There are these moments that seem sort of ordinary. Then you go, oh, this is going to mean something later on.

 

Zibby: I know those moments. I do. I know those moments. There were so many passages that I wanted to at least flag because I thought they were so beautiful. I loved this part. You said, and this is probably how you titled your book, "I've come to realize that the true lie the darkness tells is one of omission. The darkness doesn't tell you how pain is simply the price of admission. And it's a steal, really, a bargain. One I will pay a hundred times over for the simple pleasure of a beautiful sunrise or a mug of tea heavy in my hands or another mile run or a hug from a long-time friend or the smile --" I'm going to cry -- "of a child across a crowded room. For the comfort of my soon-to-be husband's arm strong across my waist while he watched me sleep. For the moments when the darkness whispers its lies in the night and I am able, still, to answer it with the only two words that matter: I'm here." Oh, my gosh. Does that make you want to cry too hearing it again? It makes me want to cry.

 

Liz: Hearing you read it gives me goosebumps. I think you should just read the book to me all day long.

 

Zibby: [laughs] I have more passages I want to read. I don't usually just sit down and read somebody's book to themselves.

 

Liz: That particular story, which is really the story of my own suicide attempt, for me, was the hardest story to tell. There's this idea in writing that every story that you tell will be the same story in some fashion until you tell the story you're supposed to tell. That was that for me, which is why it was important to me that the book be named The Price of Admission and that that kind of be the lynchpin. Even though I set out to write a story in my mother's honor, that story, for me, was the one that I was very, very scared to release into the world. It's also the one that was the most freeing to tell the truth about.

 

Zibby: In the book, you were saying how you were afraid to even tell your husband. You have the moment where you finally confess to him. He was your boyfriend then, right? I think you weren’t even married. Now you've gone from that place of, should I tell the person in the world closest to me? to, actually, now I'm going to tell anybody who can read.

 

Liz: I'm going to tell you in the grocery store while we wait in line. [laughter]

 

Zibby: Wait, tell me more about how it feels freeing.

 

Liz: I think we carry this stuff with us. We think that we're the only person that could possibly ever feel this way. That can be anything. For me, it was that story. It could be anything for anybody, any story of struggle or hardship or any story where you feel like you are not necessarily the hero or painted in the best light. Those are the things that, when you put them out there, I feel like they make the most immediate universal connection with people because everybody has that. It doesn't have to be the same version of that, but everybody carries that kind of stuff with them. What I really have found is the hardest stuff to put out there is the stuff that makes the most immediate and true connection with people, which is really a gift when you think about it.

 

Zibby: It's true. We hide so much. Like you, I'm heart on my sleeve in my writing, but not as much in my talking with people. People have said, you're brave to write about this. I'm like, it doesn't feel like bravery to me. It just feels like finally I can get it out of my own head and just get it out.

 

Liz: I feel like it cuts through a lot of that minutia. I have relationships with people that I've met as a result of writing or as a result of things they’ve put out on the internet. We get to skip through all these preliminary layers because it's already there. We've already laid the baseline of, okay, we're going to do this. We're going to be intimate. We're going to tell our stories. For me, someone who's introverted and not really good at that whole small talk/minutia stuff, that's also a self-serving gift. I hear you. I get that too, that whole, you're so brave to be putting this out. In many ways, I'm doing it for myself just as much as I'm doing it for the rest of the world.

 

Zibby: I know. It's true. I've been talking to you for maybe five minutes, and we've already talked about your suicide attempt and your mother, your eating disorder and all this stuff. If we met at a cocktail party, this would never even come up. Obviously, this is a different format and I'm interviewing you for a reason. I wanted to read just one more part. This is when your mom calls you after you were stuck in the elevator. "I didn't know it then, of course, but it was the last conversation we ever had. She died a few days later. In the first chaotic weeks of grief, I thought of that elevator and how quickly everything can change. You can be just standing still, all minding your own business, when the floor drops out from under you and you're thrown right off your feet. It's completely terrifying, and it's easy then to get stuck in unfamiliar territory where the only way out is going to be calling out Marco and trusting even while your heart tries to gallop right out of your chest that the Polo is coming. And it is. There are people who will quite literally lift you up, grab your hands and pull. It's happened before --" I'm going to cry again -- "and it will happen again. Of this I am sure, as long as I continue to have the faith to call out." It's so nice. Oh, my gosh, sorry, I'm so emotional.

 

Liz: I know that you are dealing with your own grief right now.

 

Zibby: It's just anyone who's gone through grief has found, or really anything hard, as you point out so eloquently having just literally dropped floors in an elevator and getting stuck, that your life just sort of followed the feeling. You captured it so beautifully, especially because you were thirty-six weeks pregnant in the elevator, oh, my gosh. Could you even get into another elevator after that?

 

Liz: I worked on the, I think it was the sixteenth floor at the time. I was hesitant to get into another elevator, but I think I was even more hesitant to walk down sixteen flights of stairs.

 

Zibby: What was that job? What were you doing in the office building?

 

Liz: I was a computer programmer. I still am a computer programmer. Although, I don't work in that building anymore. It's a very opposite of writing professional life that I have.

 

Zibby: Wow. Like coding and building [indiscernible] and all of that?

 

Liz: Yeah. I support financial systems, so I'm sort of an applications programmer. I think that the two sides, the computer programming world where there is a very clear and finite answer to a problem and I find that answer to a problem and I give it to people and it's very satisfying -- then there's the creative side of telling a story where you could tell a story eight hundred different ways. You have no idea what's the right way or the wrong way or how that story is going to be received when you give it to the world. They sound like very opposing ideas, but they do a really good job of balancing each other out.

 

Zibby: That's really interesting. How amazing you have both sides of your brain. I only have one. I only have one of those sides. [laughs] Amazing. Tell me a little bit more about the eating disorder piece of your story, if you don't mind. You told in the book about going to an inpatient facility with a much older woman named Tina and how that was sort of a warning flag for you. You would not let yourself become that person when you got older. Tell me about your, not getting over it, but how you found your way through that mess. What lingering effects do you still wrestle with today?

 

Liz: The active part of my eating disorder was, we're going on over twenty years ago now, when I was sixteen, seventeen, eighteen. I was anorexic primarily with a little bit of bulimia in there in the later stages. At the time, there really just wasn't the treatment options that there are now. Thank god that there are now. I think that's important. I've done some work with some agencies. I'm excited that that is happening, finally. At the time, we just all were shepherded into a treatment facility which was a generic place where they treated addiction, suicide attempts, eating disorders, anything where you weren’t safe being home by yourself. I had a roommate who was also an eating disorder patient. She had to be in her fifties, maybe, which to me at the time was ancient because I was a teenager. To see her struggling honestly in the same way that I was struggling, it was such, like you said, a wake-up call to me. I really had thought, okay, I'm dealing with all this crap because I'm young and I don't know what I'm doing, but by the time I'm in my fifties, I will have figured everything out. Everything will be fine. To realize that that wasn't just a given was kind of jarring and scary.

 

I credit that moment, really, more than any therapy session or treatment that happened as an impetus to really start pursuing getting better and getting healthy. Getting better and getting healthy was a long, convoluted process. It probably is for anybody, but especially then when we didn't really have a lot of options as far as treatment. I think anybody who's ever lived with an eating disorder would tell you, you don't ever really get away from that completely. I would never stand here and say I'm totally healed. It's still something that lingers in the background all the time. I've had to develop a much healthier relationship with my body, especially through four pregnancies and raising children and, not to generalize, but raising teenager daughters who are starting to deal with some of the same ideologies that haunted me then. It lives there. I see it when life gets stressful. I'm not sure I've had life get more stressful that it is right now. It's definitely there. That's another reason why I think it's important that we talk about this stuff. If I didn't talk about it, it would be unhealthy for me personally.

 

Zibby: Do you still get therapy? Do you have things in place to make sure you don't slip back?

 

Liz: I don't actively get eating disorder-centric treatment right now. I do keep in place for myself, a support network of things. I will fall back on that when I can see that stressors are popping up or triggers are popping up. A good example might be, when my third daughter was born, I had postpartum depression. I didn't have postpartum depression with the first or the second, so it was kind of a surprise when it happened. I didn't have any experience with it. I wasn't prepared. When I got pregnant for the fourth time and then my mom died during that pregnancy, very close to the end of that pregnancy when my son was going to be born, I said, okay, the risk is huge right now. I've had postpartum depression before. I'm dealing with grief at the same time. I'm going to mobilize this network. I'm going to reach out to my people. I'm going to reach out to my treatment providers. I'm going to knit this safety net underneath myself and have people check in and have myself check in. That's the beauty of having been through stuff before. I think the problem is that you don't know to do that if you haven't lived it before, which is, again, why we need to be talking about this stuff and why we need to be laying that groundwork for people.

 

Zibby: There's someone in my life who's struggling with an eating disorder now and doesn't want to get treatment. As somebody who loves her so much, what advice would you have? What can I do as a friend? I'm sure other people out there have people who maybe they suspect have eating disorders or things like that. Is there anything you can do, or does the person have to be ready? What do you think?

 

Liz: It's just like any other addiction, really. I think the person has to be ready to pursue treatment in order to get healthy. Having people in your life that are understanding and supportive and primarily understand that this is an illness and not a choice, which is not always how people view things like this, but if you can look at it like that, that kind of gives you permission and grace to always be there no matter what the situation is. That is so important. Especially when you're in the late stages of an eating disorder, which is both when you're getting really close to getting treatment but also when things are getting dangerous, I think they go hand in hand, the instinct is to push everybody away because people are starting to notice and be concerned and push you towards treatment. It's hard to love somebody in that situation. Anybody who can survive and stay there with grace and patience and understanding is giving that person, I think, a better chance than they would have if they were truly all alone.

 

Zibby: What would you say to the person? Let's say there's somebody listening who's really struggling themselves right now.

 

Liz: It gets better. There is hope on the other side of all of this. It is better on the other side of all of this. That leap is probably one of the scariest things I've ever taken in my life, that leap to abandon what becomes the comfort center of living in this illness and what becomes the identity of living in this illness. It sounds crazy because you're sick and you're in pain and you're not in a good place, but that becomes almost your comfort zone. To leap out of that is terrifying. To land someplace softer and safer and healthier is so worth it. It's so worth it.

 

Zibby: Thank you. I'm hoping that somebody who needed to hear that today heard that. Thank you.

 

Liz: I could just sit here and stare at your color-coded book arrangement. It's so satisfying to me.

 

Zibby: Thank you. I know. I love it. It goes all the way around.

 

Liz: Oh, my gosh.

 

Zibby: I have to redo it soon. Because I've gotten so lazy, now I'm throwing things everywhere. I'm overflowing with books.

 

Liz: How do you find time to read all these books? is what I want to know.

 

Zibby: Man, I don't know. I just do. I don't finish every single book. I sit down to read. I've figured out a way to -- I don't know if it's called speed reading. I don't know what it is I'm doing, but I can go through with just a second or two and get most of the important information off of every page. Every other weekend, I don't have my kids. I don't have them today. They're with my ex. I can read all day. I'm about to take a drive. I'm going to listen to a book the whole time. I don't know. I just find the time. With my kids, I always, at bedtime, have a book. It takes like four hours to put your kids to bed. They know that as soon as the first time that they go in the bed, I'm going to sit down and start reading, so I always get a good hour in.

 

Liz: I do that too. I've read before bed since I was five years old. I think that's where wanting to write a book comes from, honestly, is that voracious consumption of reading. It becomes the logical way that you think of to tell a story, almost.

 

Zibby: What types of books do you like to read?

 

Liz: Anything, really. I probably prefer women stories and women authors. Since the pandemic, I'm in this ridiculous cycle of only reading psychological thrillers because they're so absorbing that they can distract me from everything else that's going on. I do worry what that's doing to my mental health because I find myself going, who do I know that's a murderer?

 

Zibby: [laughs] That's the great thing about books, though. You can decide. It's so crazy. They all look the same. In one, you're going to be terrified. In one, you're going to be crying with emotion. In one, you're going to learn all these factual things. Yet they all just look like words. I know this is ridiculous that I'm saying this.

 

Liz: No, you're right. To me, it felt like a level playing field. You can be a nobody and write a book. You can be the world's most famous person and write a book. They're both books on the shelf at Barnes & Noble. It's crazy.

 

Zibby: Right, exactly, which is great in a way because we all are just people with thoughts and feelings in our heads. Getting them out on paper is just one way to share. Famous or not, who's to say your story's any more important than yours? Anyway, sort of loosey-goosey talk. One last thing I just wanted to touch on was the suicide element of your loss because that's a particular beast in and of itself. You talked about the priest at the time asking if it was okay to even share at the service that it was a suicide. While you were saying yes, everybody was saying no. I'm wondering in your own family or your own extended circle, when did that protection and hiding, almost, go away, if it did, or this is a big coming out of her death?

 

Liz: Her family is not okay with me talking about this. There's a big schism there and has been since shortly after the death, which is a huge source of sadness for me, but not enough that I felt like I had to stop. I feel like putting this story out there was honoring her, which I think is kind of a funny thing to say. I tell some stories about her that probably are not totally flattering. My mother, despite all of her faults, despite the fact that she would wake up in hospital after us calling 911 and her going in an ambulance intoxicated and saying, "Did the neighbors see?" I think she would've wanted the end of her life to help save somebody else's life. I truly, truly believe that. Without getting into all sorts of froufrou stuff, our relationship didn't end when she died. I have full confidence that she supports this book and this story and the work that I've done. I wouldn't be doing it if I didn't believe that. To specifically address what you're asking, no, we do not do a good job talking about suicide. We don't do a good job talking about death in general. Suicide is a whole nother level. Then grieving a suicide is a whole nother level because it takes you a while to get to where you would start if you just -- I don't want to say just -- if you had lost somebody in a more natural fashion. Like I was saying earlier, I started writing this book seven years ago when my mom first died.

 

That first iteration of this book was angry and hurt and abandoned. I was the martyr. She was the villain. Thank god that thing has not seen the light of day. Also, thank god that thing came out of me because it had to. That kind of grief is not the kind of grief that people are going to necessarily feel comfortable talking to their friends about because who wants to say, my mom died a month ago and I'm still so mad? That's not a thing that people feel comfortable saying. I think it's just the natural progression of losing somebody in that fashion. Seven years have gone by. I'm not angry anymore, but that takes time. I think it takes honest conversations. I hope that the book can help people have those honest conversations and help people understand that all of those reactions, the anger, the abandonment, the sadness, the everything, is totally normal. When you lose somebody who's been struggling like that and you've had this tumultuous relationship, there's that -- I'm going to screw this up, and I don't want to say it wrong -- almost this sense of relief, like, at least that's over. That is a thing that people really can't talk about it because it sounds so off-putting and terrible, but it's just natural. It's just part of all of it. I think we need to talk about that stuff.

 

Zibby: That’s amazing. I hope you're thinking of starting, if you haven't already and I just don't know about it, some sort of bigger way of spreading, like a movement about what you're talking about because you made it. You need to be the leader of this movement.

 

Liz: I do. Now that the book is out there and that work is done, I really do want to start doing some community work in this realm. My story of having been a suicide survivor myself and then losing my mother to suicide I think gives me the ability to see it from both sides and to speak to both sides in sort of a unique way. I want to encourage more people to be having these conversations.

 

Zibby: I should introduce you -- I'm on the board of the Child Mind Institute. It's for children's mental health and also to help reduce to the stigma of mental illness. It's more for childhood issues, everything from anxiety to depression, everything. Maybe you could reach parents that way or you could reach the children who are struggling and tell your story to them.

 

Liz: That would be great.

 

Zibby: [Indiscernible/crosstalk] offline about it. I'm just trying to think of good channels for you to be able to use that are already existing as opposed to having to put your own community together to get the message out. Anyway, not that this is my job. Last question. What advice would you have to aspiring authors?

 

Liz: Write. Butt in chair. Write. It's funny. I did a podcast yesterday. The host asked me, "How was the experience of writing this book?" I'm like, "It was the worst thing in my life," which doesn't sound like much of advertisement for writing, but I think that's how you know it's what you're supposed to be doing, that it is just so unbelievably hard and exhausting and consuming and all-in. I remember going to bed at night and falling asleep. Then I would wake up an hour later just with chapters flying through my brain. I think we all need to be telling our stories. It's not about being trained as a writer or even being a good writer. It's about putting pen to paper and putting the story out there. I remember going to a book lecture when I was probably in my twenties. I had always wanted to write even though that wasn't my career. The author, I can't even remember who it was, stood up and said, "People are always coming up to me and saying, I have a story inside of me." She was saying that she found that offensive, like, nobody comes up to a surgeon and says, I have a surgery inside of me, but they come to writers and say they have a story inside of them. Now that happens to me. People come up to me and say, "What would your advice be to write? I want to tell this story," or they tell me their story. I think the fact that people are constantly coming up to me and saying they have a story inside of them is the best part of all of this. There's nothing more universal than the fact that we all want to be heard. We all want to relate. We all want to have that community. It's beautiful.

 

Zibby: Wow. This has been really inspiring. I hope that we stay in touch. I'm just so happy to have met you.

 

Liz: Thank you so much.

 

Zibby: Thank you for your beautiful book, Price of Admission. Everybody go pick this up. Thank you. Thank you for coming on the show.

 

Liz: Thank you.

 

Zibby: Bye, Liz.

 

Liz: Bye. Thank you.

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